rewards vs loss of privilege

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Mar 6, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    How do you do this? He likes rewards, but when he is in his "I don't care about anything" mood, loss of priviledge works best.

    How do you set up a plan where you want it to be positive, but if he doesn't feel like it he will tell you he doesn't care.

    Can you switch and say if you do not do this you will not get a reward plus loss of privilege? that seems like a double wammy.

    I know that loss of privileges work best with him. He will try, and often win with husband to sweet talk his way back to getting what he wants.
  2. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I can probably help you a little with this, as I have had an incredible success with my son, Dylan, with behavior mod, rewards, charts, etc. It actually worked well for all my kids, but was miraculous with him because he is so complex (Bipolar/ADHD/Autistic) neurologically, and now I really have no issues with him at all behaviorally (with the exception of the once in a while thing).

    I kinda took the charts/stickers/prizes thing and rolled with it, converting it to fitting our own specific needs and what I wanted my kids to do. We not only put chores, homework, hygiene stuff on here, but also certain behaviors I was targeting (i.e. No putting hands on others for 2 hours).

    So, basically, we started small, picking only one or two things to target. We went to the Dollar Store, picked out construction paper, markers, stickers, rewards - I let the boys pick all of that out. They'd fill the cart with toys and such, I would put everything in a basket at home, on top of the fridge, and use them.

    As I said, we'd pick one or two things. For instance, using my son Dylan, I'd say okay - this week we're going to do all homework (one thing) and shower nightly. I would make the chart with the paper and markers, and make blocks for every night of the week. For each task done, he'd get a sticker. If the task wasn't done, he just didn't get the sticker. Ok, so maybe he didn't care, but you know, neither did I. We're working on a goal. You make the goal, you get the reward, you don't - you don't. I DID NOT argue and fight or get upset or angry.

    So, say 2 things we're working on, 7 days in the week, that's 14 stickers you should get. You get 12, you get whatever out of the basket ( you can't ever expect perfection here, and need to make the goal reasonable).

    You are going to have to start small and build from that. It took me 3 years to be where we are to remove all the charts completely. Alot of people do not like them because they feel you shouldn't be rewarding a child for behaviors, however, if you remember this is a step process, with the eventual weaning OFF of the charts, to teach the child make good choices = good things happen, it can work.

    Now my son does all homework, shower, chores, etc with NO charts, and he gets no rewards. Over time I switched from the charts to just taking privelages, and he knows now what he loses for inappropriate behaviors or refusal to do a task.

    It's not easy at all. I've had to say what I mean, mean what I say, stick to my guns, and ignore alot of negative behaviors from him (i.e. throwing a tantrum when he didn't get the sticker), but now I can say it's all been very worth it.

    He got in trouble at school yesterday. Threw a tantrum. You know, that boy knew the 2nd I showed up in the school he was done for. He knew he was in trouble. He came home last night, sat down at the kitchen table, did THREE HOURS of homework/classwork he missed, and got nothing but supper. I had NO problems with him, because he knows now.

    If I can help you any more with this, feel free to PM me. Don't want to write a novel LOL!

  3. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Have you offered difficult child choices? Put the decision squarely in difficult children lap?

    An example I've used many times your homework & you get recess tomorrow. Don't do your homework - no recess. (They have responsibility homework; it's written in their IEPs) Totally up to you.

    I give them the time, place & help if they ask for it.

    I then back off & let my tweedles make the choice. And then I remind them it's in their hot little hands if they want recess.

    If they come home with no recess, I gently remind them that it was their choice not to do homework & let it go.

    It is fairly effective with the tweedles.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Another email: he came to class with nothing. Has missing work. Puts head down in class.
    I just spoke to him this morning. He said he'll try. He DOES homework, I see him. He takes it to school. That's as far as it gets. He stuffs it in his locker (i hope) and shuts the door. That is it for the day. Shows up in class and does nothing.
    He had his mind made up that he will fail the test today, so why do the work or the review.
    I told him he will need to complete his work regardless. If he needs to he will re-take the test. Then he went on talking about things that made no sense. Totally blocked me out.
  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Personally, I think the reward system depends on the child. Some, like Janna's boy, it works great. Mine, not so much. I think you have to modify it and adjust it to suit your own needs and to what works for your difficult child. The only thing I would suggest is to not switch in midstream so to speak. You have to have it all outlined at the very beginning and stick with it. If you find that you do need to tweak it, you should involve everyone so the expectations are clear.
  6. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I think it is a personal thing with each kid. My older son needed the carrot and the stick effect. My difficult child does well with rewards unless, as with yours, he is very depressed and doesn't care about anything. It is so hard to switch your parenting style depending on your difficult child's mood but that is what I do. In the really hard times, I just keep him close to me because nothing except constant supervision seems to work. My difficult child has anxiety that just gets in the way if I make things too hard and if
    I had a chart with both rewards and losses he would go nuts. I save losses for really big mess ups and use rewards whenever I can. The only problem I have is I get comments like "what will this get me?" I can live with that.
  7. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Neither plan will work unless you and your husband put up a united front.

    My son works well for careful, flexible rewards but horribly for punishments. Most of the time I try and avoid both and use them only for major hurdles that need overcoming (rewards) or gross offenses (punishments).
  8. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #333399">i think an important component to any plan is to not target all behaviors at once. take a page from greene's explosive child & only target the top two, maybe three, behaviors you are trying to change. once he's mastered those they become part of everyday life & you move on to the next behavior on your list.

    that's pretty much greene's The Explosive Child method. it becomes very overwhelming if there are too many targeted behaviors...both for the kids & the parents.

    it's imperitive that both parents be on board with-whatever plan you try. you've mentioned that this is a huge issue between you & husband so you need to figure out how the two of you can come to some compromise regarding expectations for your son.

  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Thank you. I go through so many posts and read all the links. Maybe someday I will be wise enough to offer such great advise. I have been writing everything down...IEP on Friday. This was scheduled, or "set-up" by school district. Reviewing homebound. I am afraid I will be so nervous I will forget everything. Will they LET me talk? Should we include difficult child? I did email his Spec. Ed. case worker and asked how an IEP can be reviewed if there has never been an assessment at Middle school. No response.
  10. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #663366">keep one thing at the forefront of your mind. YOU ARE A FULL VESTED MEMBER OF THE IEP TEAM!!! they HAVE TO let you talk. ask questions, give your opinions. i wouldn't sign anything at the meeting. tell them you need 24 maybe 48 hours to review the suggestions they have made. then you can take things to martie & sheila on Special Education. & ask questions & advice.

    take note....record the meeeting if they will allow you too....some object to that. if you can bring someone with-you to take the notes ~~~ yes, you're allowed to do that.

    good luck.

  11. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I have been following a little of your story. I know you've mentioned homebound before. I get the impression that you are really overwhelmed, especially last week. I wouldn't think that homebound is really a good idea. I think there should be other options first. Janna's son is in an emotional support class. Albeit, it's not the school closest to them, it's been a wonderful class for him. I would ask about a class like that. If one is available, they would have to get him back and forth.

    Bring notes to the IEP, so that you won't forget what you need to talk about. Bring a tape recorder and ask if they wouldn't mind if you recorded. Many parents here have had IEPs, here on the board, then later the school district conveniently forgets what was decided at the meeting. If you are able to tape it, then they would have no other recourse, later, but to do as was discussed.
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    Not only do they have to let you talk you can call for an IEP meeting as often as you feel it is needed. Please take someone with you. Someone who is not as emotionally vested in this. Its a very good idea to record the meeting. There isn't much they can do to stop you from recording it. Especially if you don't ask. "Hi, I'm going to record this, so that I won't forget." Maybe it can be the job of the person coming with you. And if they object present it in a light of 'I need this to help me remember.' Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

    How are you doing? Are you doing any better? Did the 4 day break help at all?
  13. BTCM

    BTCM New Member

    I was going through and reading some of these posts. I am struggling with similiar issues. We don't have a clear diagnosis yet. Which is frustrating in itself. But have had some thrown out there. I was reading Janna's post, and I would love to start doing charts for him. Here comes the buts, number 1 I am not an organized person. So I start feeling overwhelmed at the thought of this process. Because I want them to be just right. And also sometimes I question if I'm a strong enough person to follow through. The end result sounds nice. It's everything in between that worries me. It sounds like you have to be very organized and ready for a battle? How do you decide which things you are going to tackle first? His physcologist suggested putting $5 in change in a jar. Everytime he says no, take two quarters out, see who gets the $5 at the end of the day. All of this sounds so odd to me, when I was a kid I was just expected to do the right thing. I guess I have to admit he is not an average child and there are special modifications he needs. I'm finding admitting there is really something wrong more difficult than I thought. It has been a roller coaster since he was 3. He is now 8 and we are still not sure what is going on with him. Sorry if I'm jumping all over. I guess I am just trying to figure this whole thing out. And trying to come to terms with it. Any advice would be appreciated. C's Mom