Well, today was the biggest freakin' disaster.
To start, I didn't sleep a wink last night. The only parts of my body that don't hurt are my left arm and left hip. Literally. Every other part of my body hurts to some degree.
Just before I left, I went to mapquest the directions to the facility. My mom drove me last time and I am not at all familiar with University Hospital. For some stupid reason, my computer was acting up even though I had been on it just 30 minutes prior and hadn't shut it down and I couldn't get anything to work.
So, I call my mom and ask her for directions. And in typical 'my mom' fashion, she starts with too much information. I cannot process that anymore. It becomes too much and I either can't remember any of it or I remember the wrong parts. I told her I just need simple directions. What exit do I get off, which way do I turn. So, she's telling me and then she tells me that I after I turn onto ABC Street, I'm going to make a left at a major intersection. She can't remember the street name, 'but you'll recognize it', she says. No, mom, I won't. Yes, you will you were just there. Mom, Cognitive Disorder, not otherwise specified with amnestic features...no, I won't. Oh, yes you will. ARGH!!! She finally did remember the street name which is good because I didn't recognize it at all. I might as well have been picked up and set down in another country. I don't know why she refuses to understand some of these things, but it frustrates me to no end. Does she think I'm making it up?
I get there. My appointment is at 9. I don't see the doctor until almost 10. And he tells me that he has good news, blood work is all normal there is nothing wrong with me. I started to cry. He said, 'Well, you don't want to have something autoimmune or rheumatic.' I said, I don't care what it is I just want it treated. He said there is nothing he can do, the blood work is normal. What about the bursitis in my hip, shoulder, knees..what is causing that? Well, he doesn't know, but it happens sometimes. (For no reason???!!!) What about the swelling in my right arm and hand and the weakness in my grip? Well, you should talk to the neurologist about that and he can do some tests (did he even read the records I brought???). I did talk to him about that, he did an EMG and everything is normal. Well, what does he think is causing it then? He thinks it's connective tissue. Well, it's not connective tissue...I don't know what you want me to tell you. So, I showed him pictures of me before I got sick and even from 2 years ago when I was sick with heart disease. He was like, wow, look at you. I said, no, look at me now. This isn't me. He said I should try another NSAID. If I don't have any inflammation, why does everyone want to put me on effin anti-inflammatories??? So, he said I should probably see an endocrinologist and probably someone for pain management and he doesn't think he needs to see me again.
I got out to my car and was just sobbing. The kind where you can't breathe. I was going to go to my mom's but I couldn't figure out how to get on 315 South from that stupid area, so I had to go north and then turn around. Of course, I'm still crying and am probably pretty lucky that I didn't get into an accident or two.
I get to my mom's and as I'm preparing to pull into the driveway I hear a *crunch*. You have GOT to be **kidding me! (Yes, I said that out loud.) I get out of the car and today was garbage pickup and there was a glass salad bottle dressing in the road and I ran over it. Clean that up. Check the tires for punctures. Tell my mom what happened and cry some more.
I took my car in Monday because it was still acting up and they said there wasn't really anything they could find wrong. Said there was minimal play in the ball joints, but nothing that warranted a repair. Well, it was definitely an issue. So, my mom followed me up and it was vibrating so bad that I pulled off the highway at one point to make sure I didn't have a flat tire.
Get it to the mechanic and tell them that my alignment is already out again, that if I hit a bump, turn or take my foot off the break it squeaks and squeals and clinks and clanks and vibrates the teeth out of your mouth. They look at it again. There are two lower support brackets under the cradle that holds the engine in. One is rusted through. Only one is holding my engine up right now. To fix that plus go ahead and do the ball joints.....$2300.00. And I'm not working. Thank God for mom and her credit card. It's probably not worth putting that much money into my car, but the engine is sound and I'd never get another dependable car for $2300.00 so what am I gonna do?
Oh, and my child support that is deposited into my account every Wednesday isn't here this week. It hasn't even been received yet by CSE.
You know what? I am so **done. I don't think I give a flying flip about anything.
Just like I knew there was something wrong with my car and just like I knew there was something wrong before the heart attack, I *KNOW* there is something wrong with me now. But, while these guys get to go home at night and feel good and sleep well, I'm living with this **** and no one seems to have any **sense of urgency about it.
I can't stand it. I've hit my limit. I am so **done. Seriously. I cannot take one more thing.
