Right now

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 23, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm thinking I should just give up and stay out of difficult child's life. He can't get whatever he needs if the focus stays on me and people battling with each other. God knows, I never tried to cause him any problems, but if I have, I certainly don't want to continue it.

    I sat here and spent the majority of the day doing what judge and gal wanted- as far as trying to call people and trying to get things lined up. I also emailed school, called the place where difficult child is now, contacted lady about medicaid (tried anyway and had to leave a message) and called my therapist to make an appointment. Not one of these people called me back.

    Now, I'm sitting here asking myself WTH am I doing. This is how it keeps going week after week and month after month. And now, I'm supposed to have an evaluation and a county meeting and meetings at psychiatric hospital and a court hearing within the next 3 weeks. The point of course is supposed to be able to provide difficult child a good home and have him return home and live a normal life. And they act like I'm 2 people here- one is the person working and providing this home and the other is the person who is always where they are telling me to be and doing what they want me to do.

    I can't continue to do these things and give him a normal life. I have to cut it off and stop and concentrate on going back to work with 2 part-time jobs now since my current one no longer needs me full time, even if I try. So, I need to find another part time one. That's just to pay bills. I have no idea how to get the walls fixed- money wise. You know, where difficult child is now it's no big deal if he gets mad and hits a wall because they are block walls. At home, it damages walls and doors and I am left with it to repair. I am left with the restitution to pay. And for what? To go to one fight after another? To be viewed as the problem or as an unstable person?

    I hope with everything in me that they don't send my son to my half-bro. That's all I can say. But of course, they will more than likely do that because it won't cost them anything. I don't know what I did to cause difficult child these problems. I don;t know how I caused him to cut himself or break the law or pull a knife at me. I was sitting in a different rooom when it happened. The only thing I can figure is that he knows I love him and thought I wouldn't turn him in for it. But I did. And what good would it do to try to advocate for him anymore- I feel so self-conscience right now that they just think I'm a whack job, or unfit, or the cause of his problems, or all the above, that I can't even imagine being able to have a conversation with any of them when being viewed that way.

    Maybe if I'm completely out of his life, someone will at some point have to look at his needs and how to get them met. difficult child and I both have to have some peace in our lives. We will never have peacein our lives if he's at home or even if things keep going the way they are. It seems like the only way to have peace for either of us is for me to get out of his life. I would bet the pennies I have left that they will leave whoever ha custody of him alone, as long as it's not me.

    GAL had dss put on standby and had them do a family assessment 2 years ago after difficult child went on his crime spree. DSS lady ended up telling me that no one in this county or state could or would do more for my son than what I was already doing. But, it had already instigated so much in my family that my half-bro filed for custody. Then, many thousands of dollars later, he dropped it. This is the kind of carp that we will be dealing with every time difficult child isn't stable if I'm involved because I am the one they see as the common denominator. They will never stop to look or think that maybe if they provided the needed help instead of looking for someone to blame, the problem might get better instead of escalating.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2009
  2. maril

    maril New Member

    You are one person who has been through loads. Give yourself a little time out and think about the next step after you are rested (I know, easier said than done). I understand how overwhelming all this might be for you; with my difficult child, especially of late, it is a whirlwind of events/contacts/suggestions for treatment/along with fearful moments when he engages in one of his rages and it is often difficult to take a deep breath and dig in again to figure out how to help him. I understand.

    If your son does come home, how would the "system" back you up as far as providing some safeguards for you? I know the helplessness I feel when difficult children anger escalates, threats occur, and property is destroyed. It is an awful feeling and difficult to deal with.

    Please take care of yourself and be assured that you are doing your best. It is not your fault that things have turned this way. I hope that things will work out for the best for you and your son and send hugs your way. Please don't give up.

    I saw previous postings today in another thread you started. Do you think the suggestion to get an attorney would be something you might do? Sounds like you need someone to represent you. You must be exhausted at this point in time.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    k, I am so sorry you are feeling defeated today. As someone who has been there, I so understand. I also know that deep within you is something wanting to fight for your son. Don't let your despair get the better of you. Take some time. If you need to let go for a while do it because you need a break, not because you believe that your son will be better off without you. He needs you in your corner fighting for him.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, but it is more than clear to me at this point that my son, nor I, will ever have any peace as long as I'm in his life because they will continue to concentrate on everything other than getting what is in difficult child's best interest.

    I think I will just concede that I am NOT psychologically typical and never will be and they can take custody and hope and pray that they not give custody to my half-bro because difficult child is likely to end up molested. That's really all I know to do. I will be here when difficult child turns 18 if he wants to find me and he's not locked up and hopefully, the house will be repaired, his restitution to courts will be paid, and the cc bills will be paid. That is, if I'm not broke from having to pay child support.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    klmno - you have 4 short (very short - trust me) years to get difficult child pointed in the right direction. Bowing out of his life right now is not going to get him the help he needs - it will simply give every professional in his life an excuse ("oh, well mom was not involved/a mess/whatever") to *not* do what they're supposed to be doing.

    I know you're tired hon. I know it's a wicked long road and you are dealing with some major roadblocks, PO especially. You can (and will, I'm sure) find it in you to deal with these latest requirements. Get the evaluation they've ordered. Cooperate. At the same time, do what you need to do to keep roof over your and difficult child's head. I know - much easier said than done, but you are nothing if not a true warrior mom.

    I feel how weary you are. You know, though, if you are not there advocating for difficult child, no one else will. No one.

    In practical terms, I hope you're keeping a log of calls you make, when, for how long. Calls not returned. If not, start now. Go out and buy a keyed lockbox to put knives and other sharps in, just in case the judge decides you have to jump through the in-home services hoop yet again. Buy another one for medications and cigs and any other substances (cleaners, alcohol, whatever) you have in your house. Put the keys on a chain and wear it around your neck.

    I wouldn't sweat the psychiatric evaluation of you - if you are crazy ;) you at the very least present very well. But you know you're not, you know you're a good mom. I would think at worst they might come up with- a depression diagnosis for you and gee... I think we all fit the DSM criteria for situational depression when we're dealing with- out of control difficult children. That in and of itself is not going to count against you. They have no reason to remove difficult child from your custody - it's not going to happen, hon.

    in my humble opinion - it's trial by fire and you're in the thick of it. If they can find a reason to discount your input, they will. But realistically, there isn't one, is there? Jump through their hoops, protect yourself in the meantime, *document* every doggone thing you do in terms of complying with their requests, and get documentation from the resources recommending Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and make sure they're solid. And hang tough.

    You have a recommendation for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) from a psychiatrist, you have funding from Medicaid. I really don't understand how things work in VA but it does seem backwards for the county team (none of whom are MDs) to override that recommendation. Hopefully GAL will hear what is being said but I think if there is anyway to get *yourself* an advocate, you really ought to.

    I'm sorry, klmno - sometimes it's ridiculous the way things are done. You know that the only chance difficult child has to learn to live with his disability is with you right there in his corner.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This is already what they are doing-

    My son has taken hinges off doors that were locked by exterior locks. He has broken kitchen utensils to have something that could stab someone. My cigs were locked in the trunk of the car and I was keeping my keys on me and sleeping with them. He's in a secure place now and has cut with a piece of plastic broken off a laundry basket, a broken piece of a radio antenna, and a piece of laminate finish off a countertop. He has said he can cut with a piece of paper or a toilet tissue roll if need be. He has physically taken keys out of my pocket and was last arrested for putting a knife near my throat. Yes, I can (and have) call the police. The more that is done, the more likely he ends up in state juvy. Right now, the attny's are fighting to keep him out but instead of concentrating on ways to get him in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as recommended and I've been asking for, now they are concentrating on me again. Never mind that his cutting has gotten worse since he's been out of home. OK, it appears that gal would be fine with difficult child going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) if the county could fund it, but now po has gotten this new ca thinking that maybe i'm the problem- because the po does not want to advocate for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and the county is highly unlikely to pay for it.

    In Jan, he was tdo'd after calling cops for him becoming aggressive with me. This was after an earlier meeting with PO that day- after I had called and asked her if we could postpone it due to a great amount of stress and tension and she said no, we had to go. My son has told his therapist how he can't stand being on probation with no end in sight. There are no rules or guidelines or time limits on his probation. I can't stand the way she tries to play family therapist and other stuff she says that causes problems between me and difficult child and greatly increases our stress level. The day of the last incident was after I'd been to courts and resquested to speak to a dss worker about temporary relief of custody and I had come home and talke to difficult child about it. I did that because po was doing nothing to address the real problems that I was telling everyone in county we needed help with and then her super told me that he thought all difficult child's problems were my fault and difficult child wouldn't do school work or anything. I am not letting difficult child come home until this is resolved. He knows I love him, the place he is now knows I'm trying to be a participant in his treatment, in any way they suggest, and I visit and provide for difficult child. But if they (PO or gal or anyone) is going to claim that maybe this is why difficult child is still cutting, then I will stop that.

    If these people stay in my life, I will be a continuous emotional, stressed-out basket case. If he is living somewhere else and does better, than it is the right decision. Never mind that it could have something to do with the fact that po will back off if he's somewhere ellse- and chances are he wouldn't be in this jurisdiction anyway. If he doesn't improve, I will at least be able to advocate for him then and hopefully, they will be more willing to listen or at least consider that maybe he has issues that are not resulting from where he's living.

    As far as the psychiatric evaluation- most tdocs don't even have experience in what I went to therapy for. There is no way I can "pass" one by our people in the county mental health dept who know the PO and mst guy. I'll concede on that one. Now, does throwing me in jail help them deal with the problem of where to send difficult child?

    I can't afford an attny. I couldn't find a pro bono one for difficult child so I doubt very seriously that I could find a pro bono one for myself- I haven't even been charged for anything.

    Furthermore- they ought to be thinking about what kind of message it would send difficult child to know that he put this knife at my neck, demanded cigs, got arrested, then ended up back home with a therapist coming over 3 times a week to tell his mom what she needs to change and seeing a po who's sitting there agreeing with difficult child that i'm just over protective so she's going to sit there and order my parental decisions. Oh, Hellooooo NO. And I am an enabler?

    Remember- the county meeting a month ago where they said they would send an in-home but that's it- which I'm sure was based on PO- and I said what if I put him in parental placement with dss and dss said if I did, they would put difficult child wherever they wanted. And I said, well if I don't, where are you going to put difficult child if he puts a knife in my throat 2 weeks from now. And of course, that would be state juvy. Then, less than a week later, difficult child had a knife at my neck demanding cigs. So now, they are considering state juvy or back home with in home therapist. Uh HUH.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2009
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh sweetie, what a long, hard day, after long hard years of advocating for your difficult child. I wish I could word things as well as Sue and others have done. You are a fantastic mom. You have done so much to advocate for your difficult child and at every corner you have met with so much resistance. It isn't fair and it is no wonder you are beyond exhausted.

    You need to give yourself a bit of a break and continue to advocate or no one will. Like Sue said make sure you are keeping records of everything that you are doing to advocate for your difficult child.

    I wish you did have someone to represent you, this is so much to have to do by yourself.

    Please take care of you. Wrapping you in a gentle hug.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey girl...sorry this got so messed up.

    I think you are freaking out about this psychiatric evaluation too much. I was always worried that they were gonna find out I was a nutcase and then glom onto me and stop worrying about my kids. Didnt happen. I was afraid to tell people my diagnosis for a long time until I started to realize that I didnt have anything to be ashamed about and if they thought I was contributing to the problem they could bite my big ole butt!

    I have had many psychiatric evaluations. I dont think you need to worry a bit. They arent going to be very indepth here. They may do a mini mental health test, do one that asks you the year, the president, stuff like that. Count back from 100 by 7's. There is that test where they give you three words and tell you to remember them and then ask you to name them later. If they do an indepth test you may get a MMPI. I really doubt it will go much further than that.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I'm not sure I can do that. LOL! I sure can't do it if I'm really nervous and stressed. And I had some really stupid diagnosis's before a therapist who had experience in my problem knew my story. Seriously, I will concede to it- I am not ever going to fit their idea of psychologically normal.

    And I don't think they will use that to take difficult child away as much as I think it's the goal to have judge order me to do therapy so that gets in PO's authority, too. And they can forget it. difficult child told his psychiatrist he had been smoking. psychiatrist writes it in his report. Now it's an issue in court. See how this works? What damn good does therapy do if you either clam up because you know it's going to end up in front of a judge and courtroom of people or you tell it all then have to deal with the po about it. And yeah, i know, in theory the therapist covers it. But the therapist isn't there when you have to deal with all these other people. How many people on this board had their problems solved in their families this way? Any?

    You realize that with an inhome therapist this way, it isn't signing release forms to update someone. The po, gal, and anyone else in county has full open record access. Then of course, all these people want to have conversations with you about it and they all think they know a better way to "cure" you. LOL! And you can bet that po uses it against a person.

    PEACE- I want PEACE - for myself and for difficult child.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2009
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    KLMNO.........I just want you to know I really, really understand.

    Today I was SO worried about difficult child that I called psychiatrist, and then decided to call up to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he was at to see how he was. Turns out my worry I had conveyed to psychiatrist had been conveyed to difficult child, exactly at the same time I called. I felt like had I just butted my big head out of everything - and let others handle the situation - once again, things would have been better.

    When I talk to the tdocs and psychiatrist at difficult children place - I always get the same thing - I am an over controlling over invested Mom. Maybe that is true. Maybe I should just let everyone else take over the raising of my kid. God only knows how many hours I have spent trying to do it to no avail. However........we know that is not true, right?

    You will find balance in this K. You will. You are right you cannot spend every waking hour dedicated to your difficult child..........but yet............that is why we are called warrior moms. There IS a balance to all of this, but that does not spell defeat. Simply balance.

    I don't know what else to say right now - except I understand. And I am sorry.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    that does not spell defeat. Simply balance.

    I agree with-Steely. You are in a place right now where it's hard, if not impossible, to see the outcome of your situation. You feel trapped and useless.
    But you are still your difficult child's mom.

    I don't know what kind of psychiatric evaluation's these places do, but other people here have given you some of their experience. I have to say, counting backward by 7s would be my worst nightmare! I had to do it once when I was put under anesthesia. Everyone made a joke out of it because I started counting on my fingers. I said, "Wait, if I don't do this, does that mean I don't get my surgery?"
    They had my dad do it for his last Alzheimer's evaluation, too. He did very poorly. He had regressed to the point to where he didn't know what day it was, who the president was, or what bldg he was in.
    If it's anything like the test he took, you will have no problem at all.

    I know what it feels like to spend every waking hr thinking and worrying about your difficult child. I'm here at 1 a.m., living proof of it. My difficult child was in the kitchen playing Sims. :(
    He's got to get up in 6 hrs. So do I.

    I didn't sign up for this! But I'm going through it.
    We all are.
    Please get some sleep and don't make any rash decisions.
    I understand from your notes, how frustrating it is. I would be hopping mad. But all you can do, as everyone has said, is document, document, document. And then jump through hoops. You are dealing with-the gov't, after all.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2009
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you. I'm awake too, by the way. I was in bed thinking and decided to just get up. I am remembering so many things difficult child has done that just hurt me so bad. I think I lost him months ago.

    Then, I was thinking about right after court today, I walked out in the hallway and CA and GAL and defense attny were talking. The CA spoke to me and I answered but didn't walk over to join their little "group". She said "no, come over here" and I did, then CA walked away and defnse attny and GAL were just talking to me about county meeting and gffg and that they would get with me later to discuss some more about difficult child- like I was his best advocate. Now, this kind of stuff just messes with my mind- if they believe this and see me taking care of alll this, I swear I don't get this. Except before we went into court, CA talked with PO a few mins and then I heard PO raise her voice saying "she EVEN REFUSED to sign papers up there". Well, I know that was about me signing release forms for everyone but her.

    Anyway, they can do whatever they want- but I cannot see bringing difficult child home until this is resolved and my mind might not change about all this as easily as they think. I have less and less faith in the system and the people in it all the time. They claim to want to work with families and keep them involved. It sure doesn't look that way to me.
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hon... I'm a few days behind, as I tend to get over the weekends. I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. I don't have time to fully read all your posts .. but I get the gist of it.

    Please call me if need be. I think a distraction from this would be good for you... we tend to overthink things when we have nothing else to fill our brain with. Believe me, I've been there done that. Think about taking a night off from this.. get out of the house, do something completely different, don't think about difficult child or this situation for a few hours.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    The CA spoke to me and I answered but didn't walk over to join their little "group". She said "no, come over here" and I did, then CA walked away and defnse attny and GAL were just talking to me about county meeting and gffg and that they would get with me later to discuss some more about difficult child- like I was his best advocate.

    This is great feedback, klmno. You cannot get into their heads, or guess whether they are talking about you or not. But you can hear what they say directly to you, and in this case, they invited you to join "their little group." And they acted as though you are difficult child's best advocate.

    It is NOT "their little group." It should not be them against you. Try a paradigm shift.

    I've been through situations like this. I have to completely come out of myself and turn into someone else. I was raised in Minn. I behave like a laid back Midwesterner, with-a touch of silliness because of my art and writing. I can also be withdrawn and isolated.
    But when I am faced with-a situation like this, I have to turn into a New Yorker. Not mean, not pushy, just very, very assertive. When I visit my cousin in NY, I am in first gear the entire time. It's exhilarating and empowering.
    It's also exhausting. I could never live there.

    In a sense, we're all "living there," where ever "there" is. It is a place and personality we would not normally choose. But we've got to be there. Then we can step back into our own personalities, do what we need to do to regroup, and start all over again.

    Maybe, instead of thinking that it's messing with-your mind, convince yourself that you ARE his best advocate, and that the reason these people are not completely in line with-your thinking is not because they are against you, it is simply because they are who they are.

    First off, they are working for the govn't. No offense to govn't workers, but there are certain rules they follow and a there is a certain mindset that is very different from the private sector. That is a fact. They are operating within financial limitations and legal limitations that are beyond their control.

    Second, they have been trained to think and do certain things and it's going to be very hard to undo any of that. Unless you're a judge and have power. ;)

    Third, they can provide feedback to one another on a constant basis, and you have no one in person to bounce things off of. I see in your notes that you are single, alone, and isolated. You have us, but it's not the same thing as verbal feedback, eye contact, shuffling feet, half-filled coffee cups and the immediacy of human contact.

    Get some sleep. Take a nap today. (I'm going to try, lord knows!) It is way too hard to function on 3 cylinders.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I dont have any connections in VA in the courts or mental health but if it works anything like it does down here I can kinda figure out what is going on. Now here, the therapy notes would not be released to anyone unless it was a danger to self or others. The fact that he was in therapy, or maybe that you were in therapy, could be introduced but the notes themselves are private. They wont even release the notes to Social Security. Even with a release.

    They can release diagnosis's, a report...but not the notes taken in sessions. There is a huge difference.

    I still think that this whole thing comes down to funding and a "you have to do X, Y, Z to get to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)." Thats what I had to do. I had to prove that we failed at everything else before we could get what I knew we needed in the first place. Stupid but what we had to do.

    I know you think you want to give up. We all have probably felt that way at some point...I know I did. The day that Cory sauntered into my office and told everyone that he had sex I wanted to crawl into a hole and disown him. There were days I just wanted to send him off to the French Foreign Legion and be done with him. Unfortanetaly that really isnt an option. There isnt a return desk. (I really looked for one!) We cant give up...we have to soldier on.

    One day this will all be over for you. It might not be over for him. That will be up to him. On Corys 18th birthday I bought a bottle of champagne and celebrated. He thought I was so happy for him. HA! I was celebrating the fact that he had now become an adult and was no longer my responsibility...lol. It was such a joyous day.
  16. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I haven't read all the posts but I agree with Janet, you are worried too much about the psy evaluation, hon. Take it, it wasn't that bad. If you don't, they assume the worst. I don't think they are trying to be able to order you into more services, I think they are trying to find out who to believe, you or the PO. The PO is fighting for her reputation with everything she has, they have to be noticing how intense she is being, I really think they are looking for evidence to over rule her.
  17. Stella

    Stella New Member

    Klmno, just want to send you hugs. I think we all know how it feels to just want to throw in the towel but I really hope you find the strength from somewhere to keep going.:angel3:
  18. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    OK I'm sort of caught up. My experience with a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation was a long time ago, but it was basically an interview and a fill-in-the-blank questionnaire. It wasn't a big deal. Very standard procedure. You've done nothing but fight for your child, you have nothing to hide, no matter what is in your past. Everything you've done recently, you've done in difficult child's best interest, and I've no doubt that will be clear.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, everyone, but I might have to stray from the well-intentioned advice this time, even if it turns out that I'm wrong. I don't expect anyone to condone this decision. I have typed up my reasons why I honestly believe that it is not in difficult child's best interest to come home right now, the things I am most worried about regarding "the system", and how this seems to be limited to 3 options that the judge will choose from and I find all 3 completely unacceptable. Of course, I realize that I have no say-so in it and she will make her choice based on the tired, over-worked, county employees who just threw out their opinions to dicuss 2 mins before walking into the courtroom.

    Then, I laid down and tried to take a nap and my therapist returned my call. She said the psychiatric evaluation should be by someone who has never met me and that the courts would have to have something listed as a reason or concern to have assessed. She said the only thing she could think of that would seem a possibility for me would be that I'm distressed and they want to know how I'm handling it, to see if it's in a way that's triggering difficult child. We agreed that there would be no reason to do this for family therapy because that can be ordered anyway. She said the intent would be to order me into therapy to deal with the stress better. I asked if it wouldn't cross their minds to maybe quit handling things in a way that causes me more stress and she just laughed. She said she couldn't encourage breaking a court order, but it is reason to be concerned and she said maybe I should let them know that I am seeing a therapist to address my stress already. Also, we discussed the fact that she is the one who had initially suggested getting difficult child into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so that we could work out kinks in relationship without adding more stress to either of us and still giving him consequences for his aggression toward me and keeping myself safe and not having to worry about his every next move during the process. She said I could notify people of this before the psychiatric evaluation and maybe they would change the order, or at least, she suggested telling the person who was going to evaluation me and asking them what exactly was I being evaluation'd for. That sounded good to me. I alos mentioned how it's driving me nuts that people are asking me why I didn't lock up more stuff - difficult child is in a secure place now and still finding ways to cut and everyone is ignoring that. Are they sending that staff and psychiatrist for a psychiatric evaluation?

    Then, the lady about medicaid called and she's still trying to help but doesn't know as much about specific benefits as I had hoped. She said she would call the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) I had applied to and try to figure something out. Of course, this doesn't solve the problem of the county team and funding the educational component. I don't think it will happen, but I appreciate this lady's efforts a great deal.

    Then, I cried about everything difficult child had done. I was starting to regroup and go eat a sandwich.

    And the phone rang again. It was mst guy. I immediately feel my whole body cringing and tried to remind myself of things my therapist had suggested I bring up. He gave me no chance to do that and just told me when he had scheduled an appointment for me. It was with some lady therapist but there was no asking if it was convenient for me, how am I, do you have any questions or anything else. I started to speak and he started telling me where the office was. Here I was in bed crying and hearing this guy just dictate stuff, as usual for these people, and visualizing this ending up with my issues broadcast in court in front of difficult child (yes, here they DO that) and having more court orders for PO to hold over my head and discuss in meetings, and I couldn't even ask a question. He said do you know where this office is, and I said no, but it doesn't matter, I'm not so sure I'm going thru with this. He said well, I'd feel more comfortable telling you where the office is anyway and proceeds to list off detailed directions so I just said that's ok, thank you, and hung up. Needless to say, it ruined my appetite.

    Then I cried some more and here I am. LOL! Please understand, I am not saying that I don't have issues or that I wouldn't address them under different circumstances. But I'm looking at it like some things can be addressed by making a decision and moving forward instead of having more stressors added on in the guise that they will help me learn how to reduce stress. I understand there will be consequences and people will think worse of me. I'm not so sure that I'll even go to the next court, quite honestly. I might just submit my statement, hope someone reads it, and be home trying to find someone to take care of my dogs before I go to jail. I'd rather be in jail than to hear PO's mouth one more time or be yelled at about the having to answer to the judge or any other threat that I'm so sick of hearing about.

    I keep remembering the judge yesterday- she commented on how if parents get help for their kids themselves, there is no accountability to anyone that the treatment really is giving adequately instead of some treatment given until funding runs out, then that is it. I find that interesting because when I testified last year, I made BIG issue about docs not being held accountable for services they claimed they could provide and how they will blame the child or parent if the therapy doesn't work or come up with excuses if you go to them for months and nothing has really even progressed. But, I think the judge is failing to see that while she might want to keep things in Department of Juvenile Justice so she can monitor and hold tdocs accountable, what we are really getting is a PO who is a nightmare and difficult child and I cannot continue to live feeling like we have an ax over our heads trying to get approval from someone who'll never see me eye to eye and we will never have similar parenting ideas. And here, complete therapist records are open to PO and GAL if paid for/provided and ordered by court.

    And I honestly do think that the judge has a valid point about Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s not being a magic answer and not always sticking to having kids earn their way out adequately. However, I can't see either putting my son in detention, sending him back home on probation, or giving him to dss so they can stick him in the cheapest place as better alternatives that give a better opportunity. She says she can't order Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and I have researched and found a court case online where a county took a judge to court for ordering it, but the judge won. Ok, still, it might be sticky for the judge. Anyway, the judge could have ordered the po to go to county team and try to get it approved. Instead, I ended up in hallway after court trying to get gal to see why she needed to go to the county meeting, then calling gal to tell her they wouldn't even let me set it up this time, that someone would need to talk to PO in order to get that done. And their solution to my stress is to get something else ordered for me? I think I better stay away from these people for a while or I'm going to have a lot more to worry about than breaking a court order for a psychiatric evaluation.

    Every late winter/early spring, difficult child is in legal trouble for 4 years now. Every time, at least one person wants to scrutinize the carp out of me to determine if I'm the cause. I've been through it with so many. It will never end until difficult child is living under someone else's roof and either stops, which would be ebst for him, or doesn't stop and they are forced to focus on something other than me.

    PS I do appreciate the PM's I have received lately and sorry it is taking me a while to repsond. I'm trying to wait until I'm not so cranky. LOL!
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2009
  20. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    klmno: I hope you take time everyday to spend some time on you. I feel like you are wearing yourself out when this time without your son in your home can be used to refill your well.
    Also I think you are on to something when you point out how the dynamics of you and your son 'triggers'. Patterns developed over time that he uses to keep the energy on high. And when the relationship of two is not working well it is awfull.
    Where are your support group around you, Mom? Who can you turn to and count on? How can you meet the people who can and want to help you either in groups or on a one on one basis?
    You are in a terrible crissis and you have a need to have the support of others around you AND in your home.