Right therapist?

[Crystal72]

Hey all

With two autistic boys and a self centered teenager at home is a challenge for any family. Have anyone try marital counselling before they let the marriage break apart?

My husband and I are just started to see a marital counsellor. I went in for 3 visits and he went in for two but the therapist doesn't bring us together. At first she says she wants him to feel comfortable with her but now she says she wants to make sure the billing would pay for couple. And she says something like she feels I m the person who needs help, not my husband. Cos I m the one who couldn't cope with the situation, not him

Of course I m the one who couldn't handle it cos my husband walks away from the situation all the time or gets aggressive with them. I m the only one that handles everything from psychiatrist to school to therapist. Is it too much to expect spouse to help or at least to support ??

I just don't get it at all

 

[DDD]

No experience here but she sounds like a loser to me. I can see one or two individual sessions before couples share an appointment. Seems like that would expedite getting each sides point of view but if you already get the feeling she is not understanding the reality of your joint life...then maybe it's time to move on to another therapist. Good luck. DDD

 

[ready2run]

my husband is also useless when it comes to all things related to the kids and their disfunctions. he generally tends to make everything worse and refuses to take any type of advise and finds it insulting when i show him what works for me. difficult child is his kid and i do everything for him, all his appointments and dealing with the school bs. he also makes things into 'my' issue because he refuses to admit to any professionals that he cant handle it. so i know how you feel. did you tell the counsellor that he deals with everything by running off or being aggressive and that is what is causing the problem? what is he saying you are doing if its' being put back onto you? def need some 'together' counselling

 

[Liahona]

Should probably find a different counselor. We've had some "interesting" therapists for difficult child 1. Being a competent therapist doesn't always come with the degree.

 

[susiestar]

To paraphrase my much younger cousin, "Buy New Therapist".

This person is NOT going to help you. If she is treating you as a couple, then she needs to see the dynamic between you BEFORE she sees you individually and decides that you have all the problems and husband has none. I have been in therapy with husband and there are usually quite a few sessions before we see her individually. Sometimes a therapist would see us together for 1-2-3 sessions and then spend a week or two seeing us individually to get a feel for how we are with each other, indiv personality that might not come out together in a session, etc... but the indiv sessions were NEVER right off and the therapist NEVER just decided one of us was the whole problem.

Heck, about fifteen yrs ago my childhood bff caught her husband in an emotional affair. They got help and are still together, but at the worst point they saw the therapist together 1 or 2 times a week AND individually once a week. It sounds very much like your therapist is charmed by husband and is taking what is said at face value - which means she is NOT going to really be of help. Or it could mean that she sees that your husband flat out will not accept help and so says the main problems are with you because you are willing to work on them. It is stil a bs attitude for her to have, and one that will NOT help your marriage.

There is a school of thought that says if a person isn't willing to do the work, then the therapy won't ever help. I don't buy it. Largely because way back as a preteen my mother dragged my dad to a therapist. It was NOT common and NOT accepted in our part of the country at that time. Only people who were really sick or idiots needed therapy back in the late seventies. I actually had no idea they were even going, I went to a friend's house that afternoon/evening because they had classes in something that night. They drove about an hour each way to the complete otehr side of the city we lived in so that NO ONE would know they went. I only went to 1-2 sessions, my gfgbro to maybe four because his relationship with my dad was very volatile and had become physical both ways. My father REFUSED to admit that ANYTHING the therapist said was anything he needed/wanted to hear. He was just going because my mom forced him.

About three years ago he admitted to my mom and I each separately that he actually did remember what the therapist said and that it was very very helpful in both his marriage to my mom, his relationship with us kids esp gfgbro, and even in his job as a teacher. So don't feel that a therapist is wasted if your husband blusters about it - if it sunk in and helped my dad then it can do that with ANYONE.

You just need to find a therapist who you both feel comfortable with at least on some level and who will see you as a couple. The therapist should have some indiv sessions, but be respectful that some things you may not ever want to tell husband or vice versa. Sorry this therapist is such a dud.

You can clear up the insurance question by calling the ins co - it is pretty easy and you will know if the therapist is telling you the truth or not.

 

[keista]

Yeah. I'd be looking for another therapist as well. I've never gone, but did call to make an appointment, and was told that they would NOT see me alone. Total of 5 visits already and not a single one together? That is not couples therapy. If they can't bill it right they should have told you that sooner. Essentially this therapist took 5 out of whatever number of visits your insurance will cover without moving forward on anything.

And I will say that in my quick, non-professional assessment of your situation, I will agree with this therapist and say that you are the one that needs help - FROM YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[exhausted]

New therapist for sure! By the way, it is not uncommon for our husbands to leave all this stuff to us. I go to NAMI meetings and my husband(who I drag with me when he can) and an occational other man are the only males to show. What they say is usually doused in anger-this is safer than showing the underlying hurt. They have a different brain than ours. It is not unreasonable for him to help-that is the reason for therapy-help him understand the strain this is on you, learn to work together and find time to take care of your relationship. This is difficult when you are caring for tough kids. Find someone with experience in helping families with kids who need more care. I also recommend finding someone who has a family-any young therapist (with no child rearing experience) we have ever had, was worthless for us. Stay at it, it's hard to find the right person.

 

[MuM_of_OCD_kiddo]

It sounds very much like your therapist is charmed by husband and is taking what is said at face value - which means she is NOT going to really be of help.

Susie - I am glad you said that, because I got that same vibe there. I'd also say to go looking for a different therapist. And if your husband stalls and "likes" this one, you know there is something to that vibe you all picked up on...

Crystal - are you going to Alanon or some other real life group counseling? I think you might get more out of that than from the current therapist. I would definitely add that to your "got to check out" list, even if drinking or drug use is not an issue in your family. It is a wonderful aid to get some clarity in your thinking...

 

[Crystal72]

We are starting the parental support with the parents from autism group soon. Hopefully this help

 

[keista]

We are starting the parental support with the parents from autism group soon. Hopefully this help

THIS will probably be more helpful than any therapist can be. There will be fathers there with whom husband will be able to relate to more easily. At the group I participated in, a couple shared a story of how their marriage practically fell apart because of the kids. They solved it by setting a 7pm bedtime for the kids and began "dating" again. They didn't leave the house, but that was THEIR time.