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<blockquote data-quote="exhausted" data-source="post: 525880" data-attributes="member: 11001"><p>Nancy,</p><p>My heart is with you and I wish I could comfort you. There is no doubt that you love that girl in the way only a mother could. When difficult child was at the private Residential Treatment Center (RTC), at least 1/2 of those kids were adopted. As a teacher I have had many adopted kids and fostered kids in my class over the years. I would agree that many, if not most seem to have more than normal struggles.</p><p></p><p>I have to tell you, it feels horrid to have a difficult child and know it was your <strong>own genes </strong>that have done the damage! While husband and I are not drug or alcohol users, diagnosed with any mental disorders, both our kids have diagnosis. husband and I have tried our darndest to be the kind of parents that would stop the crazy parenting that was part of both sides of our families. We thought we could turn generational issues around and stop the cycle.</p><p></p><p>My sister and mother both have mental illness and have varied diagnosis over the years. My mother is in complete denial at 72. My brother has one boy who is so out of control and has spent much time in jail and has 4 kids by different mothers and he is only 26!. My brother refused to medicate him when he was found to have ADHD (brother refused to believe it) and used physical punishment and humiliation-the old family legacy. We have never laid a hand on our children, been firm and structured, with love and involvement and our difficult child is headed on the same path as my brother's son.</p><p></p><p>My husband's family has depression and some alcoholism. I don't know what else as they are a very religious lot who puts many things in a closet. </p><p></p><p>If we would have known what we now know, we may have never had kids either. But at age 25 and again at 32, I wanted children and I believed mine would be just fine because husband and I were good people, educated, desirous, and not mentally ill or addicted. Yet here we are and the genes that may not have affected us, have been passed to our biological children.</p><p></p><p>Trauma, not inflicted by the family could trigger issues (as it has for us), gene combinations could cause issues. Children are a ****- shoot- Adopted or biological. The odds are worse in adoption. But 20 and 30 year old people do not have the knowledge or the forsight to think about these odds in most cases.</p><p></p><p>I tell myself everyday that no matter the outcome, they were sent here to earth and to us. Sometimes I ask what purpose God had in mind?? And in our misery (as raising these children is aweful-I can't imagine much worse frankly), what is it we are suppose to come out the other end knowing? Everything I do concerning difficult child I ask myself, "Can I live with this decision and in what way will it help or harm difficult child?" That is what parents do. However with difficult children-the stakes are so high. They involve their actual lives, jail, living on the streets, rape etc. etc....</p><p></p><p>Thank you for sharing your grief, because I have it as well and I don't want to be alone. If we cannot feel our pain and have bad days, what then? A huge hug to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="exhausted, post: 525880, member: 11001"] Nancy, My heart is with you and I wish I could comfort you. There is no doubt that you love that girl in the way only a mother could. When difficult child was at the private Residential Treatment Center (RTC), at least 1/2 of those kids were adopted. As a teacher I have had many adopted kids and fostered kids in my class over the years. I would agree that many, if not most seem to have more than normal struggles. I have to tell you, it feels horrid to have a difficult child and know it was your [B]own genes [/B]that have done the damage! While husband and I are not drug or alcohol users, diagnosed with any mental disorders, both our kids have diagnosis. husband and I have tried our darndest to be the kind of parents that would stop the crazy parenting that was part of both sides of our families. We thought we could turn generational issues around and stop the cycle. My sister and mother both have mental illness and have varied diagnosis over the years. My mother is in complete denial at 72. My brother has one boy who is so out of control and has spent much time in jail and has 4 kids by different mothers and he is only 26!. My brother refused to medicate him when he was found to have ADHD (brother refused to believe it) and used physical punishment and humiliation-the old family legacy. We have never laid a hand on our children, been firm and structured, with love and involvement and our difficult child is headed on the same path as my brother's son. My husband's family has depression and some alcoholism. I don't know what else as they are a very religious lot who puts many things in a closet. If we would have known what we now know, we may have never had kids either. But at age 25 and again at 32, I wanted children and I believed mine would be just fine because husband and I were good people, educated, desirous, and not mentally ill or addicted. Yet here we are and the genes that may not have affected us, have been passed to our biological children. Trauma, not inflicted by the family could trigger issues (as it has for us), gene combinations could cause issues. Children are a ****- shoot- Adopted or biological. The odds are worse in adoption. But 20 and 30 year old people do not have the knowledge or the forsight to think about these odds in most cases. I tell myself everyday that no matter the outcome, they were sent here to earth and to us. Sometimes I ask what purpose God had in mind?? And in our misery (as raising these children is aweful-I can't imagine much worse frankly), what is it we are suppose to come out the other end knowing? Everything I do concerning difficult child I ask myself, "Can I live with this decision and in what way will it help or harm difficult child?" That is what parents do. However with difficult children-the stakes are so high. They involve their actual lives, jail, living on the streets, rape etc. etc.... Thank you for sharing your grief, because I have it as well and I don't want to be alone. If we cannot feel our pain and have bad days, what then? A huge hug to you. [/QUOTE]
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