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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 525898"><p>OK -I am confessing again - and then I will zip my lip.</p><p></p><p>But when this happened initially with difficult child - when we were reeling in September - when I was still bawling every night - H and I went out to dinner. And he was giving his spiel about "just wanting his wife back" which I still don't understand and I was trying to explain how I felt like the world had collapsed beneath my feet. How everything I knew and believed about kids, about child raising, about unconditional love,<u><strong> about being a mother</strong></u> had completely collapsed, taking me with it.</p><p></p><p>And I said, "if I knew then, what I know now - I would've never had kids." And my H was crestfallen. He looked like I kicked him in the stomach and stole his car. He couldn't believe it. But I meant it, and I still mean it now. It never dawned on me that you could raise and love and be the best mom you could for 18 years and end up with an estranged, drug addicted, loser for a kid. I mean, "what was the point?" We were supposed to be near the finish line! And I don't like failure - I tried so hard to be a good mom and my eldest got the best of my mothering skills. And while I know I often short changed my job, and my h, and my house, and MYSELF, it was mostly because I was pouring it into my kids. And it didn't make a d@mn bit of difference because I ended up here. Both figuratively and literally .And if it could happen w him, that means it could happen with easy child 17 or PC15. Or it could happen when they are 25 or 35 or 45. What if there is NO FINISH LINE? And I think of DDD when I type this -{hugs}</p><p></p><p>So there. ;-p</p><p></p><p>shutting up now</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 525898"] OK -I am confessing again - and then I will zip my lip. But when this happened initially with difficult child - when we were reeling in September - when I was still bawling every night - H and I went out to dinner. And he was giving his spiel about "just wanting his wife back" which I still don't understand and I was trying to explain how I felt like the world had collapsed beneath my feet. How everything I knew and believed about kids, about child raising, about unconditional love,[U][B] about being a mother[/B][/U] had completely collapsed, taking me with it. And I said, "if I knew then, what I know now - I would've never had kids." And my H was crestfallen. He looked like I kicked him in the stomach and stole his car. He couldn't believe it. But I meant it, and I still mean it now. It never dawned on me that you could raise and love and be the best mom you could for 18 years and end up with an estranged, drug addicted, loser for a kid. I mean, "what was the point?" We were supposed to be near the finish line! And I don't like failure - I tried so hard to be a good mom and my eldest got the best of my mothering skills. And while I know I often short changed my job, and my h, and my house, and MYSELF, it was mostly because I was pouring it into my kids. And it didn't make a d@mn bit of difference because I ended up here. Both figuratively and literally .And if it could happen w him, that means it could happen with easy child 17 or PC15. Or it could happen when they are 25 or 35 or 45. What if there is NO FINISH LINE? And I think of DDD when I type this -{hugs} So there. ;-p shutting up now [/QUOTE]
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