rollercoaster feels out of control

[butterflydreams]

ok, so I know there are ups and downs, this is our life. But sometimes I feel so out of control. We have had some real good weeks since difficult child was discharged after his last hospitalization last month. I really think his current medication combo is good for him. Most of the time he seems the most stable I have seen him in a long time. His sister's therapist saw him yesterday because I had to drop difficult child off to his sister during her appointment yesterday after his psychiatrist appointment so I could return to work. She told me last night that what she seen from him was the best she has ever seen him and she has seen him periodically for almost 2 years.

Anyway, yesterday his anxiety raised its ugly head. I don't know if it was set off because he knew he had a psychiatrist appointment scheduled for the afternoon or what. But he was pacing around and whining and refusing school because he was afraid of being teased, etc. I was unable to get him to go to school. psychiatrist talked to him during his appointment, reminded him that he has done his part now it is difficult child's part, he needs to go to school. We did discuss the possibility that difficult child will be retained in the 7th grade. difficult child has known this for several weeks though, his school counselor had already discussed it with him.

We got our 504 plan in place - basically in writing all of the supports they are already doing for him. I had also requested that they assess him for a IEP. They have started the process, they have until April to complete it.

This morning, I have trouble waking difficult child again and he begins to start in on the I don't want to go again. I tried talking to him, he says why bother, he is going to have to repeat again anyway. I told him that he needs to make the effort, that he is required to go. He again talks about afraid of being made fun of, etc. He cries and goes on and on, promising once more that he will go tomorrow. We have been down this road so many times it makes my head hurt. I think that today in particular that it is refusal not so much his anxiety. If he refuses tomorrow I will have no choice but to call the school. Everyone has agreed that I determine if his refusal is related to mental health or flat out refusal and if I don't see why he needs to stay home then I have to call the school and they will more than likely send out the school truancy officer.

I just don't know what to do. I have to work, I can't stay home with him. I am so depressed right now. I hate mornings because I know they bring a potential of an episode like this morning. All I want to do is cry. I feel so alone. When I have talked to my parents about what is going on, they say they are sorry that this is happening and they wish there was something they could do but there isn't. My therapist tells me that this is a valley that I am going through and it won't last forever. My boyfriend, says I am doing all I can, that I am a great mom and he is sorry that this is happening. He said this morning we will talk about it more later. Everyone is sorry that this is happening, but in the end it is ME who has to live with it and deal with it on a daily basis.

Even on good mornings, it takes me 45 mins to an hour just to get difficult child out of bed. It's exhausting.

I have so hoped that the good times we have been having would last for awhile because the last year have been so tough. I am so worried that the rollercoaster is spinning toward the wrong direction. The stress of all of this is awful on my health too. My blood sugar is not where it should be, which of course then I catch hell from my doctor.

Sorry for rambling, but I am sitting here at work feeling like I want to cry, just wishing that I could go home and bury my head under my pillow and let it go.

Thanks for listening.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Hugs}}} I can feel your heartbreak and desperation. My best advice would be to set some priorities and let some of the other stuff go. I think, also, that you should talk to the psychiatrist about a medication check. difficult child may have plateaued or had a growth spurt.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I absolutely know where you are coming from. During the worst times with Youngest, I was glad to have an office with a door at work, so I could close it and cry when I needed to. Being a single parent of a difficult child is absolutely exhausting, and there are days you think you can't make it another day.. but somehow, you do. I know that doesn't help much right now, either, but know that there are many of us who have been there. It DOES get better.

I think the key to getting through the worst parts, at least for me, was grasping whatever small tiny victory I could find in the day .. it's there, somewhere... and holding onto that. "Well, at least (s)he didn't do X today. Could be worse."

Keeping my sense of humor also helped. Of course, that meant I developed a pretty warped sense of humor, laughing about the most awful things that my difficult children did.. but some folks here will get that, I'm sure. It helped keep me sane. So did journaling, just getting those feelings out day after day.

Hugs. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

[aeroeng]

I am sorry you have to go through this. Wish I could do something, You are a good mom.

Ops you already know that.

Wish I knew what to say. But I don't.

I don't want to go home today. husband will be at a meeting and I get all three this evening. Non-stop fire chasing. Homework issues will be a killer. There with you even if I can't make it go away.

 

[butterflydreams]

Thanks so much. I like the idea of journaling. I should start doing that. At least putting down my feelings will help get them out.

I just had a call from the school psychologist, he was looking for some paperwork that I completed last week. I should have known difficult child wouldn't get it turned in, I will look through his binder when I get home tonight and I will walk it into the school myself tomorrow. (I didn't want to walk it in myself last week, because on top of all going on with difficult child, I slipped and fell getting into the shower week before last and I look like someone really beat the h*ll out of me.) Anyway, he asked why difficult child wasn't in school, so I told him about difficult child's anxiety. He tells me that difficult child needs to come (no duh) and that he needs to be there, he said to explain to difficult child that he falls behind when he is out (been there done that). He says that he is trying to complete paperwork and testing for the IEP and that he is planning on testing difficult child tomorrow - he is only on campus a few days per week.

I had talked to my boyfriend a little earlier. He called and talked with difficult child a little bit. He is going to pick difficult child up and take him out for a little bit and talk to him some more. difficult child really looks up to him and hopefully he can ease him a little. difficult child did reveal to him that someone punched him last week, but he had not reported it. I told the school psychiatric about it, he said it might be true or it might be an excuse.

 

[gcvmom]

I am right there with you just feeling like it is all on ME, MOM to deal with this kind of stuff. Going through similar things with difficult child 1 and his anxiety. He goes to school, but he's not getting work done in class and homework is sub-sub-standard. Between his problems, difficult child 2's problems, husband's problems... I am all worn out with other people's problems.

Thank goodness for LNO (ladies' night out) tomorrow night. I cannot WAIT.

Hang in there. Maybe your boyfriend can give you a break and stay with difficult child so you can just go out and have some ME time? I know I'm way overdue when I start feeling this way.

(((HUGS)))