ok, so I know there are ups and downs, this is our life. But sometimes I feel so out of control. We have had some real good weeks since difficult child was discharged after his last hospitalization last month. I really think his current medication combo is good for him. Most of the time he seems the most stable I have seen him in a long time. His sister's therapist saw him yesterday because I had to drop difficult child off to his sister during her appointment yesterday after his psychiatrist appointment so I could return to work. She told me last night that what she seen from him was the best she has ever seen him and she has seen him periodically for almost 2 years. Anyway, yesterday his anxiety raised its ugly head. I don't know if it was set off because he knew he had a psychiatrist appointment scheduled for the afternoon or what. But he was pacing around and whining and refusing school because he was afraid of being teased, etc. I was unable to get him to go to school. psychiatrist talked to him during his appointment, reminded him that he has done his part now it is difficult child's part, he needs to go to school. We did discuss the possibility that difficult child will be retained in the 7th grade. difficult child has known this for several weeks though, his school counselor had already discussed it with him. We got our 504 plan in place - basically in writing all of the supports they are already doing for him. I had also requested that they assess him for a IEP. They have started the process, they have until April to complete it. This morning, I have trouble waking difficult child again and he begins to start in on the I don't want to go again. I tried talking to him, he says why bother, he is going to have to repeat again anyway. I told him that he needs to make the effort, that he is required to go. He again talks about afraid of being made fun of, etc. He cries and goes on and on, promising once more that he will go tomorrow. We have been down this road so many times it makes my head hurt. I think that today in particular that it is refusal not so much his anxiety. If he refuses tomorrow I will have no choice but to call the school. Everyone has agreed that I determine if his refusal is related to mental health or flat out refusal and if I don't see why he needs to stay home then I have to call the school and they will more than likely send out the school truancy officer. I just don't know what to do. I have to work, I can't stay home with him. I am so depressed right now. I hate mornings because I know they bring a potential of an episode like this morning. All I want to do is cry. I feel so alone. When I have talked to my parents about what is going on, they say they are sorry that this is happening and they wish there was something they could do but there isn't. My therapist tells me that this is a valley that I am going through and it won't last forever. My boyfriend, says I am doing all I can, that I am a great mom and he is sorry that this is happening. He said this morning we will talk about it more later. Everyone is sorry that this is happening, but in the end it is ME who has to live with it and deal with it on a daily basis. Even on good mornings, it takes me 45 mins to an hour just to get difficult child out of bed. It's exhausting. I have so hoped that the good times we have been having would last for awhile because the last year have been so tough. I am so worried that the rollercoaster is spinning toward the wrong direction. The stress of all of this is awful on my health too. My blood sugar is not where it should be, which of course then I catch hell from my doctor. Sorry for rambling, but I am sitting here at work feeling like I want to cry, just wishing that I could go home and bury my head under my pillow and let it go. Thanks for listening.