Romantic Delusions

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

difficult child-daughter has a very concerning reoccurring tendency toward the same romantic delusion...

The "storyline" remains the same... the characters change.... "His family (usually his mother) LOVES ME!!!!" and..."I haven't met him yet..." (or "I barely knew him when I knew him, but now we're so many miles apart and we KNOW we belong together!")...

Always... "WE'RE so SERIOUS about each other!"

And frequently... "I already KNOW I'm going to MARRY him!"

We just heard through the grapevine difficult child-daughter is planning to fly to Germany to meet her current romantic delusion. She "fell in love" with "current guy" that she's never met... through his mother... they work together.

difficult child-daughter revealed this plan after hearing about easy child's ever increasing success as a young adult... easy child is moving into her own expensive apartment on her own... and will be covering all her expenses with her own hard earned salary! husband and I are sooooo proud... and sooo blessed to have one child who is healthy and lovingly attached to us!!!!!

The concept of difficult child-daughter chasing a stranger out of the country is a nightmare for easy child, husband and I!

But our hands are tied unless we want to have her admitted against her will for psychiatric evaluation. We won't do it! We only know about her insane plan as "hearsay" through a third party.

For all we know it ALL could be just another huge Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) lie... difficult child-daughter could be trying to bait us to "react" through an innocent third party because difficult child-s' local audience's attention may be waning, not enough drama to keep the crowds.

The scary thing is "the chasing a romantic stranger story" does mimic so many of her past "relationships."

Oh, and this is the week we've been getting harassing calls all week saying the same "buying a ticket to Germany difficult child" failed to pay her student loan.

My "non-professional" opinion is she keeps subconsciously seeking her birth-mom through all these crazy relationships.

What would Dr Freud think?

 

[CrazyinVA]

Forming intense relationships quickly can also be a hallmark of a borderline personality. I've seen this happen with Oldest over and over, although thankfully not to the extreme of moving out of the country. She has, however, announced marriage plans on several different occasions to men she's only known for a short time, has moved in with men quickly, and announced how in love she is, has a new "best friend" one week and hates them the next. That's the thing, the relationships can turn to hatred as quickly as they turned to love. It's very frustrating, I know. With Oldest, I think it's part of her intense dislike of herself and unhappiness, and the need to somehow validate herself from outside sources. The flip side is, when that doesn't work out, all the validation disappears as quickly as it was created, and she's left feeling more lonely and depressed than before. It's a very difficult cycle to watch

The good news is, your difficult child will probably hate this guy in a few weeks, and the Big Move will never happen

 

[DammitJanet]

So she fell in love with a guy in Germany by talking to this guys mom just because the mom talked up a good game about the son? Has she even talked to the guy on the phone? Talked to him online? Skyped? Actually knows he is a real person?

I mean really, this guy could be the photo that comes in the wallet when you buy it...lol.

Hey, maybe I could get my oldest son married off by telling your daughter about him!

 

[dashcat]

I've posted about this before. My daughter has been doing this for years. Earlier, it was love at first sight across the dance floor at a school dance or in church youth group. It was always insta-love, and the guys were usually either a little younger or the sort of guy the girls never noticed. She is a beautiful girl, so - in high school - this was a heady experience. She'd shower him with compliments (you'r so hot!), attention and affection. Then the stories would begin... she'd "need" him because her crazy mom (that would be me) was suicidal, drunk, kicking her out of the house, yelling (well, the yelling maybe...but the others are false) or her dad was drunk, angry for no reason, not speaking to her, running off with another woman (the last true, sadly, but she recycled it to death). After she wore out the parent crisises, she'd "need" him because of her anorexia (false), cutting (false) .... If the poor guiy was still around after all of this, she'd find another insta-love and dump him unceremoniously.

Now the pattern is quite a bit scarier. She's run out of in real life guys because she's reached an age where this sophomoric behavior sends them running at first sight. Now she meets them on free online dating sites. She's moved in with two of these characters (one out of state). They never have any money is she makes minimum wage at a part time job. Only one of her in real life guys was a difficult child - ALL the internet guys are difficult children.

There's even been a female love interest. That lasted a week but did result in a mutual lip piercing (ick).

She is currenlty living with her dad and there are at least three - that I know of - internet dudes coming around. I think she's moved from insta-love to what she would call "playing the field". She becomes sexually involved right away and there's always the drama. If the guy dumps her, she is brokenhearted and continues to pursue...tries to make him jealous with the new relationships....etc. If she dumps the guy, he (or she) is history right away.

It's very, very scary. Believe me, she'd be looking at airfare to Germany just like your daughter is - just from meeting the mom.

We are working on trying to get her evaluated but, as far as she's concerned (and unfortunately her dad is with her most days on this), she's fine. Not a thing wrong.

I feel your pain, but do realize that your difficult child-daughter isn't doing this "to you". Her motives aren't really even motives in the true sense. Her searching - and the way she is going about it - is all about the pinball machine playing continually in her mind.

Dash

 

[Nancy]

I think your opinion about her seeking her birthmom is correct. Through drug rehab my difficult child has finally had to face the fact that she comtinues to seek out risky and unhealthy relationships with people because of unresloved adoption issues about her birthmother. She admitted that guys are a game to her, she has to do whatever she can to make everyone of them pay attention to her and if they don't she acts out in a negative way to get that attention. Once she has them she doesn't want them, just wants the thrill of the chase. But in the meantime she gets herself into a lot of trouble with them. She says she wants a good husband and a family but she does everything to make sure that doesn't happen. She continues to sabatoge herself due to her low self esteem.

I wish I had a good answer for you but you know already what's behind it. We adopt these children and do everything in our power to love them and help them and yet it isn't enough to undo the damage.

Nancy

 

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

Thanks to all!!!!!

CrazyinVA
I would not be at all surprised if there is something "more" than Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) here... While the behavior does "fit" Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), much of what I've read says that "if left untreated" it can "develop into" a variety of other conditions. In the counseling husband and I sought after our adopted kids Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) meltdowns... suggested their "very concerning behaviors" may be indicators of "more severe adult diagnoses." I'd like to say she runs short cycles through the "love-hate" thing... but that's not what I've witnessed. Distance makes her imaginary relationships thrive. I'm hoping the people surrounding her in "rescue mode" will wake up to the mental illness... and take steps to prevent her from doing something very dangerous.

Dammit Janet
Seemingly all you gotta do is let our difficult child-daughter know you LOVE her and talk up your son to her... tell her you think it would be AWESOME for the two of them to get married... Oh... but wait... the woman "playing mommy" to our difficult child-daughter had kinda sorta promised our difficult child-daughter to HER son!!!!

Hmmmm... there seems to be a fine line between the mom pushing... and our difficult child-daughter finding "true love."

dashcat
Thanks Dash! It is comforting to know we're not along in this!
Interestingly enough, our difficult child-daughter doesn't have the history of hotly pursing "In Real Life" romances. She actually has routinely turned down many advances from many seemingly "suitable" young men.
She's had a few boyfriends over all... a couple of them that we've had long "Don't you see the Red Flags?!!!" conversations regarding.
I can pinpoint exactly where her "romantic delusions" started. It was her one (and only) semester out-of-state at college. That's also the place I can pinpoint where Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) behaviors began showing up again in-force... only we didn't recognize it as Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) returning until after her Meltdown last August.
We realized (after her Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) meltdown last August) that part of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) symptoms is the "cause and effect thinking part of the brain doesn't function well."
Usually our difficult child-daughter would "get it" eventually... but we ALWAYS had to discuss at length and ask her to consider the same type situation under several examples of much less-personal circumstances.

Nancy
Thank you Nancy... There certainly are "issues common to adopted individuals." I'm grateful for your encouragement.

I may not show up on these boards frequently... but I AM SOOOOOOO GRATEFUL for every parent here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

I have no idea about the birthmom thing, but I do have four adopted kids and one is unattached from us. He is however a productive member of society.

I agree with your daughter acting like a borderline. In spite of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), she does sound borderline..these people, adopted or not, have a nonstop string of "relationships" and they never end up good, but as soon as one is over, the person is already looking for the next one. It is an extreme fear of being alone. I know. I am borderline and have recovered quite a b it, however, I remember how sick it used to be and how I used to sit around crying and wondering why I always had to have "somebody." But I did. I'm glad there was no internet back then...lol...and that I got very lucky with hub #2 There is no known cause of borderline, but the newest info from my own psychiatrist is that now they feel it could very well be inherited. And it usually doesn't stand alone...anxiety, mood disorders of all sorts, and even disassociation can go with it. Although they used to think borderline was a part of sexual abuse as a child, I was never sexually abused. I didn't have loving parents, which may be a factor, but I'm positive I was never sexually abused.

I have a great book about borderline. See if it fits. The symptoms are a lot like Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). She could have both. There's good help out there now for borderline!!! I've read every book on the market for borderline and I think the newer ones are all helpful, but this one hit home the most and it explained the best treatment for it. Of course, the patient needs to be motivated to change.

http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

 

[svengandhi]

My sister is borderline and I had to finally excise her (and my enabling parents) from my life.

As for your daughter, the only practical advice I have is to put her passport in a safe and don't let her have it. I'm not joking. My friend's son tried to get to a foreign country to get to a girl who had been sent to her relatives overseas after Residential Treatment Center (RTC) failed. The only reason he didn't get out of the country is because my friend hid his passport.

 

[Nomad]

I agree with what MWM said...but would add that recently I read that adopted kids seem to have a higher incidence of borderline and the cause is 'unknown.'

by the way, our adopted adult daughter difficult child had a good friend (also adopted) that met a young man and within a few days of meeting with him, drove across country to set up house with him...everyone was frantic. She came home...all is ok...but it was an eye opener.

Our difficult child has VERY odd relationships...both with guys and girlfriends.

And she has always been envious of her brother's successes....never putting together that he plans and then works very hard to achieve his goals.

It seems that these kids are searching for the love and stability that they never felt they had or deserved. Their perception of the situation is often warped...negative...out of touch.

And worse than anything, they don't seem to love themselves. And of course, as we most of us highly suspect with many of our adopted children, there could be some sort of biological issue involving mental illness.

 

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

Nomad svengandhi and MidwestMom I appreciate all your feedback, Thank you!!!!

Each of you have great insight... With her choosing to remain estranged... there's not much I can do from a "hiding her passport" perspective or providing insight for her counseling path. The best thing I can do right now is pray... and ask the Lord to watch over her, put a hedge of protection around her.

 

[dashcat]

The best thing I can do right now is pray... and ask the Lord to watch over her, put a hedge of protection around her.

That's all we can do most days.....

 

[Hound dog]

Sounds borderline to me with the need to find birth Mom mixed in.......maybe a bit of something else going on.

Perhaps all difficult child cares about is if she is going to "love" the mother and she just figures like mother, like son?

Got to say I've heard just about everything.......but the let's fall in love with his mom first is a new one. Guess that is one way to avoid getting an mother in law you can't stand.

I hoovers to the max when they're adults and your hands are basically tied. Hopefully this idea will die out as fast as it came on. Another country is a whole other ball of wax....whew.

You both will be in my prayers.

((hugs))

 

[Raven21901]

My daughter has the same thing. She has been in some many bad relationships because of these delusions. All were VERY abusive.

difficult child-daughter has a very concerning reoccurring tendency toward the same romantic delusion...