Rough moment unrelated to difficult child kids

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mamaof5, Dec 22, 2010.

  1. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    I honestly had a "eurika" moment today. An ephiany of sorts...

    Hubby is a difficult child as much as the difficult children are. BIG TIME.

    You see, we have this fight over monthly paperwork that has to be done once a month for dental\medical benefits through my self employment program (run by our version of welfare, not welfare just a program run by them for the fed gov and provincial gov).

    Basically it provides us with benefits that self employment would not provide for us. It's more for the kids than it is for us (they are 100% covered, us not so much but some things are covered). This program also helps get a home business off the ground in the first two years of its life span. He has his income statement and I have mine. Some reason I manage to get mine out on time every time...him, he struggles to get this done every month, is so disorganized and I warned him to do this last night so all he had to do was drop it off in the morning on his way to work.

    What does he do: forgets the paperwork, hasn't done his income statement and I had to find the income statement paperwork in the van for him (he spent an hour looking, I found it in 5 seconds flat). He spends an hour doing the paperwork, complaining, laying blame everywhere but at his feet. B'ing that it's so much they ask for and too much paperwork they want (they only want it once a month your king dorkiness, not a lot to ask for for paid for governement benefits you know). On top of that, tried to lay blame on me for "paperwork of the kids schools, mine and everyone elses" being in the van and making it harder on him.

    Did I mention I called his work office to ask them to get him to call me so I could remind him to drop it off at the appropriate place so that the benefits would not be suspended? Because it's end of year and the office is going on holidays we'd be uncovered medically and dental wise for at least a month before it was brought back to order again and set straight.

    He has the nerve to get p!ssy with me about his paperwork and how I should have it organized and ready to go for him and how they ask for too much beaurocratic red tape crud. He has no one to blame but himself for the monthly stress he puts himself under. Every month, same dang thing. Today I told him that's it, it's your obligation to your children to keep them covered medically and dental wise - I'm not holding your hand anymore and if you mess it up, there's the door buddy boy.

    To add to all of that stress, my washer\dryer bit the bucket before we moved to the new place. Laundry place is 25 to 30 bucks a week and I can't afford it but can't afford for the kids to not have clean clothes. No programs for lower income families for a new washer and dryer, found a 3 yr old pair for 400 for both and don't have a penny for it.

    I'm so sick of holding up the fort and keeping it glued together. When is it my turn to have someone else take over, even for just a freaking hour. Ask me if I can take a shower without one of them banging on the dang door at least a dozen times...What the heck is peace and quiet because I don't know the meaning of it. Haven't in years heard quiet ever, not once.

    Plus, I haven't heard a dang thing about the job I applied for. I'm desperate for my own space and time to myself. So desperate that I'm willing to work 40 hrs a week outside the home on top of the 60 hours I put in at home for the home business. I need a happy place and it's not here right now. So utterly frustrated, rage filled and angry..resentful and sometimes even hateful. It's not a nice feeling. I'm starting to think maybe I need to be back on some sort of medications. I've spent the last 5 yrs proudly off them after 5 yrs on them...maybe I'm just the type of person who ends up on them for life or something.

    You know I have day dreams about all of the kids grown and gone and living a solitary life by myself. Quiet is all I want, just solitary quietness. I need a still moment where I can just exist, just breath and do nothing but that. *sigh*
  2. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I'm sorry. Just what you needed another difficult child. :hugs:
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My darling, I TOTALLY understand your feelings. I can remember many times wondering why I couldn't get even a few minutes to use the potty in peace. Not just the times when I had to take Jess into the bathroom with me to keep her safe, but ANY time. I started allowing myself anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes longer for certain errands that I had to do. I took a book with me, and brought a drink or stopped and got one and would go sit in a park and read or just be. My husband, kids and parents ALL thought I found some illegal drug like valium or was doing SOMETHING really major because I became so much calmer and more peaceful. It really made a GIANT difference in how I handled everything. In cold weather I put a blanket in the car to use at the park or I sat in the car or went into a favorite little diner for coffee or something. I tip well, so I was invited to sit there for as long as my little heart desired. I sacrificed a little sleep.

    My holiday gift to you is permission to take a "sanity break" at least one time every day.

    You are also to STOP responding to knocks on the door in ANY positive way. You MAY announce to the family that if the bathroom door is closed they are NOT to pound on it. They can use another bathroom, use a neighbors' bathroom, whiz on a tree (but NOT NOT NOT on an electric fence!) and solve their own problems if they cannot wait until you are done in there. You are to find a bath oil or salt or additive that you like and SPLURGE on it. You are NOT NOT NOT allowed to share it with ANYONE.

    You are to take time out to serve in a long relaxing bath. Let the family know that for the next 45 mins the bathroom is off limits and so are you. If a family member attempts to make contact with you or enter the room, you restart your 45 minutes. You are also to give them a chore or else respond with a snarl that lets them ALL know that you are severely stressed.

    While we all like to think we can be as unendingly sweet as the mom on Little House on the Prairie, it just is not reality. It is okay to let the kids see that you are stressed before your bath or break and to let them see you being much less stressed and nicer after the break. They need to learn this AND SO DO YOU.

    What will happen if you don't start insisting on sanity breaks and time to relax? Your body will mutiny on you. We are not designed physically or mentally to deal with this much stress on a never ending basis. It leads to nasty painful health problems that we cannot just ignore or move on from. Our bodies make us stop and it is NOT fun. I know firsthand.

    In the long run taking this time for yourself will be an amazing gift to your children and grandchildren. No, I am not smoking wacky tobacky. You will teach the kids that taking time to care for themselves is NOT a bad thing, that it is a normal, healthy habit like brushing their teeth.

    It all starts with adding a little time in here and there and to NOT giving them what they want when they won't let you shower or potty in peace. You may want to interrupt each of them during shower/bathroom time to illustrate how upsetting it is. I wouldn't go there first, but it may be needed with harder heads.

    As for the paperwork, is there some sort of system to keep the papers together? A special folder in the car, or a briefcase or file bag that he can EASILY put the papers into each time he gets one? Maybe you need to create system for him and use the same tools to teach him to use it. Or it may be way past that point and you should stick to the "it is your job, do it or else" that you have already said.

    Is it possible that there is some learning disability or issue that makes paperwork hard for him? He may not have a clue. husband's sister's husband did not realize that he had a form of dyslexia until he had a hard time reading to their son. He had learned to cope with it and thought everyone had those problems (small country town with NO help for this even if his parents had allowed the school to test him). He actually learned to read fluently by helping their son learn to read. I have dysgraphia and some dyscalculia and thought it was normal until college. If the kids have any problems like this, they may have a parent with similar problems. So he may truly dread the paperwork.

    It might be interesting to offer to do the papers for him if he gives you his paperwork by X time on Y day - IF and ONLY IF he will take over a chore that you do that takes a similar amount of time or that you despise doing.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Girl.....Do what I do......

    Bolt out your front door in your Quasimoto pajamas and into the front yard and the top of your lungs..........

    best case scenario? You get a 72 hour break at the state B&B - worst case scenario - your neighbor sends you her used pjs and tells the others you're slightly off your rocker. (Either way? Win/win cause you'll get new Pj's at either place)
  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Have some chocolate, it's like a mini vacation for 10 seconds. You're husband and my husband sound a lot alike, why should they do anything if we can do it for them? Last night at 12:30 my husband asked me where the bread is located. PLEASE!!!! (translate: will you make me a sandwhich?) I said,"YOU KNOW WHERE THE BREAD IS, don't play your little helpless routine with me now". Oh, I get up work at 5am, do every chore in the house, I went to supermarket at 7am this morning before work also, work, then make dinner, clean, more housework.....he didn't work at all.....He really thinks I "like" working 24/7! (sorry I didn't mean to go off on a rant about my husband, just trying to make you feel better, you're not alone) He's worse than the kids!

    Here's what I do: Play music really loud and sing! That'll clear everyone away from you. Dance while closing your eyes as well. lol
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I used to take 4 mile walks with the dogs. Heaven. (and a great way to lose weight lol)

    That had to be my haven as if I attempted anything near the house it was ..........Moooommmmmm oh Moooommmmmm ugh

    I knew my washer was gonna go............. husband "fixed" it which meant it was gonna die at any possible second. So I held out money from my last school loan refund and snatched me up a new washer just in the nick of time too. It wasn't all husband's fault, the washer was only 22 yrs old........but he sure didn't help it either. ugh
  7. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    I did a ton of baking last night. Spent 230 bucks (not on me, kids clothes). I did gingerbread cookies, shortbread cookies and peanut butter cookies as well as brownies (no not those kind, I'm allergic to that lol). My house smelled good, the kids didn't pester me while I was baking and hubby, I think, made dinner last night as a peace offering.

    *sigh* I still feel flusttered but I did record my favie movie on the DVR last night to watch today (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines). One of my girlfriends came over last night with the shopping for clothes she did for me in Sudbury (kids clothes) to pick out what I want and I said bleep it, all of it lol.
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    The phrase, "your body will mutiny on you" is 100% correct. When I get to the I-can't-take-anymore point, I melt down. If I don't - and I hold it inside - I end up with UTIs, colds, flu, migraines, joint aches, and a major case of stupidity. ALL AT ONCE. I'm just about the healthiest person I know normally, so my world comes to a screeching halt if I let it go too long.

    Hugs. And go do something for you! No difficult children allowed.
  9. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    I totally agree that it manifests physically. I'm hurting today but then it could be to do with the fact I nearly fell down the dang carpeted stairs (what were they thinking when they invented triagular stair steps at the top of a flight of stairs and decided to throw carpet on it - socks+triagular stairs+carpet= ouch). At least I had the banister in hand but it wrenched my left shoulder, hip and my back. I don't think that helped my mood when I ended up hanging up on hubby yesterday for the paperwork crud he pulled and that's why he came home too.

    My washer I never took with me on the move because it had to be hand spun to start the spin cycle, motor wouldn't catch unless you manually spun the drum to make it catch and turn. Not a good idea, dangerous even. It was 30 years old the washer, bought it second hand with the dryer for about 200 bucks off of a local classifieds. I'm fed up of second hand crud that breaks down 6 months later. It's the third washer in 2 yrs, can't get credit - not happenning, already tried. I have to pay outright the full amount and it sucks.

    I have to do laundry by hand now I can't afford the amount of money the laundry mat requires a week. Oh so fun with stage 4 carpel tunnel issues and fibro...*sigh* At least I got the HP printer working but what a pain in the **** that was *lol*

    Gotta find the humor in it, just have to otherwise I'll lose my mind...
  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I have a washer/dryer set in storage that was given to me. Second hand, too, but if there was some way to get it to you, I'd do it. Hope things look up for you soon. You don't have the rent to own places there with appliances?
  11. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    No rent to own here, I'd have to go to Sudbury for easy home or aaron's. I think I can swing the washer at least in the new year, around the child tax benefits time. If I had her dang (Wevil's) children's disability funding already (they said by Dec, pfft) they'd pay for it because it's considered on their list of necessities.

    I'm actually feeling much better today, I dolled up (bought myself make up even though I KNOW I will be breaking out from it, I said screw it I want to look pretty at least for a night) and I feel so much better but weird too because I never do this kind of girly stuff. It's odd to me, like speaking a language I don't understand odd to me.

    *sigh* ah well...humor and a couple of peanut butter cookies and it all comes out in the wash in the end as they say.