Rough week & well you'll see...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Oct 5, 2009.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    If you know us - then this will seem almost unreal. If you don't know us then this may give you hope if you stick with a good consistant therapy plan and despite all the ups and downs - it's a sign of maturation.

    Saturday I got a call from Dude. I could hear kids crying in the background. Never a good thing. I ask the dreaded "What's wrong?" and of course you know no one is going to say a word. I get "Are you going to be home?" Well had planned on going to run a few errands but said I would wait.

    Dude gets there and O.M.G. he is driving his car (remember almost on COPS?) so I'm NOT happy. He was followed to our house by a friend. Grrrr. Asks if he can just leave his car there and comes in the house to where I am and just sits. You can tell he's been crying & I know he's upset so I just sat down and asked if he was hungry. Figured if he wanted to talk - he would. Didn't press.

    He said the fosters are interviewing for a new child. They didn't even have the decency to tell him that they are going to put him out by December. He walked in the house and overheard the conversation. He's supposed to have a place to stay if he stays in school until graduation. But oh well. I told him - it's their house - they can do as they please. He said it wasn't that. It was the fact that they tell him he's like family - then have treated him like dirt, and when he walked in they changed the subject. I said - well it's really none of your business.

    Then the tears started flowing and he said that really wasn't why he was upset. Apparently one of his buddies has a Father that is very bad into crack cocaine and owes his dealers a lot. They live in a trailer pretty far out. The boy is a good kid, with a lot of tough breaks, no Mom to speak of. Thursday was the last the gang had seen him. Saturday morning - one of their other buddies went to his place to see where he had been and the door was ajar. He pushed it open and there was their friend in a chair in the living room beaten and bruised with his head shot off. The friend got in his truck and went home freaked out so badly his Mom called 911 and he had to go by ambulance to the psychiatric. ward and the boys Father went to verify and called the police from the friends house that it was true.

    Dude at this point was sobbing and hating all crack heads and his own biological father, and alcohol and all that goes with it. He did not understand why the drug dealers shot the boy and not the useless Father. I explained for this very reason - I took Dude and left. It gave me an opportunity to explain to him some of the things that happened in OUR life and while he was only 5 - he remembered things that were taken and gunshots into the house. He asked if THAT was why? Because of his biofather and drugs? I said "Yes." That made him cry even harder. I said "I know you haven't understood really for a long, long time and I knew too when I took you and left that you would hate was a chance I was willing to take so we'd be alive and you wouldn't end up like your friend -because dealers don't hurt the addicts - they go after the family. This is why I really asked you NOT to pursue the child support thing as well.

    He just looked at me and started saying how much he hated drugs, crack heads and booze and how he wished it would just disappear for everyone. I agreed, but told him that it was a choice...I also told him I was proud of him for choosing to stay away from it. He started to say how much he hated his biofather....and I stopped him and said -don't hate him -hate the addiction. It's an awful thing - and he has nothing. NOTHING. I have you - you have me - he has no one. His choice - but he still has no one.

    Then his other buddy callled and told him that another friend of theirs had been found stabbed 25 times for going to get his girlfriend from a party. The kid lost his job and the girl (all about the dollar) broke up with him and went to a party. Men there made unwanted advances so she called her x. He came to her rescue and several men jumped him and stabbed him. He's now in intensive care fighting for his life.

    Now while this is horrible......and I completely understanding burying three friends in one year at 18-19 years old( First our son Steven, then DeQuan shot in the head while riding his bike for no reason and now this boy over crack)....I'm very proud of my son because the old Dude would have gone off the deep end or done something stupid or ridiculous......this kid? He just sat there and said "I just need a hug Mom." Then he said - I need something to do to work off the frustration so I stay busy. I said "How about wash my car??" (wishful thinking at best) but semi-old Dude said - How about not?

    The car will remain at my house.....and we have talked about selling it. I also got to meet his incredibly cute and oh so adorable girlfriend and his buddy's girlfriend....and I like them. He's been dating her 2 months and finally decided she could meet me/us. (DF & the dogs) lol. His family.

    The boys funeral apparently isn't going to be right away as there is a lot of investigation going on and it's been kept out of the news - until the Father is notified or found or whatever.....what a nice man huh. I hope they make him look at the photos I think he should get life right along with the men that killed his son.....he killed him just as much as they did in my opinion.
    I hope the boy that went into the hospital and the other one that is in the psychiatric ward can get a prayer or two from anyone who has it to spare.

    Gosh things are not like they were when we were kids are they? Not at all.

    Thanks if you made it this far. Just wanted to let you know how far Dude has come with maturation and control - there is always hope. (knock on wood)
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Star, I am so sorry. It simply is wrong that anyone experiences such loss at an early age. After all Dude has been through, to heap this on his shoulders is just too much.

    It sure sounds like he is trying to figure out a way to cope with-o going off into the kinds of behaviors that create these problems.

    He has come so far. When you can, give him a big hug from Aunt Susie. I am very impressed with his maturity in facing all this. Not that my being impressed matters one whit, but I am.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    This just brought tears to my eyes. What a horrible burden for anyone to carry, let alone a 19-year-old. Many prayers and hugs going out to Dude, his friends, and of course, his mama.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs for Dude, and for you.
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am oh so tired of seeing the damage done with drugs. In our paper today is the story of a 19 who has plead guilty to killing another 19 year old and shooting a 28 year old. He will receive life in prison. He shot them because they had given the police some information on him and his drug dealings (the other two were trying to get out of charges.) Two 19 years olds/ one dead----one in prison for life. One 28 year old with brain damage and the guilt of watching his 19 year old cousin die in his arms. And not a single young person in my town has learned a lesson from this.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh Starbie, my heart aches for Dude. So much senseless pain.

    He's growing and maturing.......but dang it all, that's alot to take in. And sorry, but personally I'd like to go whack foster parents upside the head. Sure it's their house and their decision.....but NOT to tell Dude their plans so the boy can make needed plans of his own.....that is just low underhanded sneaky disgusting foul......and if I could report it and get them into trouble with the system I'd do it. Telling the kid he's one of the family while treating him like anything BUT.....two faced SOB's. grrrrrrrrrr

    Give Dude a huge hug from me. He'll be in my prayers.

  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Please tell Dude that he is another Mom's hope and inspiration. He has come so very far, in such a short amount of time. I am super proud of him, and his story gives me hope for my own wayward son.
  8. MyFriendKita

    MyFriendKita Member

    So very true, sad to say. It really tears at my heart that so many of our kids have had to endure things that would be difficult for adults to deal with, let alone someone their ages. Prayers going up for all who have been affected by these tragedies.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry for Dude. Yeah it seems to be these types of lessons that make them learn. Corys lost several friends in the last couple of years but the one just a month or two ago really shook him the hardest. I think having to actually witness the death and hold the dead body was just so hard for him that it physically changed him. If I so much as have the sniffles he is over here with bells on.
  10. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm sending you and Dude both a huge hug, lots of cuddle time from Cloe and for Dude to work off his frustration....Chester and a case of tennis balls. Actually.....scratch that. I'll just send ONE tennis ball. That way, Dude can chase Chester around trying to get it back. If that doesn't work it off, I don't know what will.

    As for:

    The fosters....karma, baby. What goes around, comes around. It stinketh for him but I know he can turn this to his advantage.

    The crack head's son...poor kid. I just hope that the father isn't so far into crack that he's numb. I hope he feels this for the rest of his life. I once read a book (it was a romance, but still) about a woman who had a .....not a bad life but not a great one either. She died young but got a chance to go back and have a better life. In the book she got to choose from 4 or 5 different lives and time periods. Maybe this poor kid got to do the same thing. I hope so. He certainly deserved much better than he got.

    Major hugs again to you and Dude. And, if he's in the frame of mind to hear it, kudos for handling things so old Dude-like.
  11. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member


    Can't sleep and your post was heavy on my heart. Big hugs and many prayers going up for all involved in this tragic situation. Hang on.


  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm so sorry, Star.

  13. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    Prayers and hugs. I'm so sorry he's going through this, what a thing to have to deal with. I am glad he's holding it together.
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I don't know the full story, but from what I read, it sounds dreadful.
    I'm so sorry.
    One positive is that your son clearly sees the profound sorrows involved with- substance abuse and addiction, and like you said, he has come a long way in terms of maturation and learning coping mechanisms.
    My heart is heavy for his disappointment and losses...with- his bio dad, the boy who passed away and this family that he lives with- that doesn't seem to be sincere or all that stable, etc.
    And yes, your son has come a long way...really grown.
    I'm glad you see this and are feeling gooooood about his personal progress.
    Again, I'm so sorry for the very difficult week.
    Lasted edited by : Oct 6, 2009
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    (((Hugs))) to you and dude. Poor kid. That's so much to go through.
  16. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    This also weighed on my mind last night. Such a tragic and senseless loss and it must be very difficult for Dude to process. Many hugs go out to you both.
  17. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Oh Star,
    I'm so sorry about this whole thing, how awful. Big hugs to you and Dude--he sounds like he has come so very far from where he was.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am so sorry, hun. But proud of Dude. Give him a hug from Auntie Big Bad.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Update -

    Well the young man that was beaten and shot? The police either are not saying much and doing their job - or are really not doing their job and the local news station has chosen to step in and is now now following up with the police to find out why nothing seeming is being done to catch the boys murderers. The latest word is no one has seen his Father (wonder why) and the word from the coroner was that his back was broken but he would have lived if they had not shot him. Tragic.

    The other young man was visited and is recovering. His former girlfriend is not allowed near him. I don't even think his Mother had to say a word...In this instance it was all his friends that have been sitting outside the ICU and told her she was forgiven but just trash and he didn't need a friend like her. Dude apparently walked her to her vehicle to make sure she got there safely and told her that he's made a lot of mistakes in his life, and he hoped she learned from hers and then said he did. He stood there until she was okay to drive (from crying) and then went back inside with his buddies. They asked him WHY he was being nice to her - and he said she didn't stab him, everyone makes mistakes, and he was sure she felt genuinely bad and he knows what it's like when everyone is against you. He just didn't want HER driving off crying and either hurt herself or someone else. He said they all said - That was pretty cool. (sigh - another moment of maturity)

    Whoda thunk MY kid would be the voice of compassion & reason?? :surprise:

    --->:redface:this is me
  20. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well Mr. Dude you are giving one Momma who has a long road ahead of her some mighty big hope right now!
    Despite the sorrow and sadness that had to come at these poor naive kids expense, the gift that Dude has gained is such a treasure.
    You have yet one more thing to be proud of that son of yours for! He really is a great kid. Quirks and all, he will continue to make you proud.