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Rules/Curfews for College-Age difficult children when at Home
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 545610"><p>I really don't mean to beat a dead horse...but</p><p></p><p>I guess my feeling is that if it comes down between your need to sleep versus your adult son or daughter's desire to stay out all hours of the night - in YOUR home - your needs take precedence. A young adult's burgeoning liberty does NOT come at the expense of a bona fide adult/parent's liberty to decide how they wish to live in their own home. Some of us are light sleepers, some of us are struggling with *AHEM* hormonal changes, - personally -- we use an alarm system which goes off when the doors are breached. I can compromise & be OK with being awakened at 12:30 on the weeknights and 2:00 am on the weekends - but I also have the right to get the sleep I crave in MY bed in MY home. I have no problem sleeping when my kids are away from home or at school, on sleepovers, etc. But yes - if I am expecting them home and I wake up and they are not home and very LATE- I worry. If I am expecting my HUSBAND home and he is not home and I haven't heard from him -- I worry. It's not about being uber controlling. In this house, we tell people where we are going and when we will be home. It's courtesy. Adult courtesy.</p><p></p><p>As for wanting to control your difficult child's college experience. I can see both sides of it. My easy child is leaving for college in 5 weeks and I am stressing a bit -- mostly because of difficult child's issues. (difficult child was a easy child until he was physically assaulted his first week away, had a serious injury, started self medicating, fell into wrong crowd, became a jerk and a liar, dropped out mid semester 3 and is now estranged from us). When I started seeing yellow, orange and finally red flags - I overlooked them -- wanting to give difficult child the ability to figure it out for himself. In retrospect - I wish we had stepped in A LOT sooner. In some ways, it's sink or swim and my kid SUNK. Controlling the purse strings does give one a vested interest in an offspring's education. I can tell you with certainty that if easy child starts exhibiting warning signs, we will pull the plug quickly. Tuition is A LOT of money. And an investment in their future. And while it's THEIR future - and we don't expect to be paid back - we also don't want this opportunity squandered. They need to find a balance and if the scale is tipping in the wrong direction - they are not finding a balance and the buck stops. My biggest regret is not pulling difficult child home before his second semester. In retrospect, I never should have let him return to school after his injury.</p><p></p><p>So, I can see all sides. Lots of kids have a rip roaring good time at college AND find a way to balance it and fulfill educational goals. Their primary responsibility needs to be their education. Lots of kids manage to fly their irresponsible behavior under the radar. While I would never suggest parents look away from warning signs - frankly -- had my difficult child gotten good grades and been pleasant, his substance abuse and partying would have flown under my radar. I am glad your difficult child is in a structured dorm. I think it will work well for him. I think it's really great to suggest that he take up a sport. But make it a suggestion and not a decree. I wish my difficult child had taken up a sport. He went from being a HS varsity athlete (very structured and physical) to being a college freshman with too little structure and too much free time. </p><p></p><p>With my easy child - I have suggested that he choose a course schedule that mimics the school schedule he has known his entire life. (he's a humanities major - so it works out) A math class, a language class, a science class, an English class etc. I suggested that he leave the more challenging classes to his second and 3rd semesters. Being away from home and on his own is enough of a challenge - his classes and the rhythm need to be more familiar. In contrast, my difficult child was encouraged by his adviser to take difficult science classes for which he DID NOT have the pre-reqs -- so he could "get them in" and progress towards his bio-chem major. It was a recipe for disaster. And when he struggled and had to drop classes or got mediocre grades - we cut him too much slack - all in the name of letting him own it. That was a mistake. Hindsight is always 20/20.</p><p></p><p>So, you know your kid. Follow your instincts. I wish I had. </p><p></p><p>{{{hugs}}} I know - like me - you are probably starting to panic a bit as the college start date gets closer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 545610"] I really don't mean to beat a dead horse...but I guess my feeling is that if it comes down between your need to sleep versus your adult son or daughter's desire to stay out all hours of the night - in YOUR home - your needs take precedence. A young adult's burgeoning liberty does NOT come at the expense of a bona fide adult/parent's liberty to decide how they wish to live in their own home. Some of us are light sleepers, some of us are struggling with *AHEM* hormonal changes, - personally -- we use an alarm system which goes off when the doors are breached. I can compromise & be OK with being awakened at 12:30 on the weeknights and 2:00 am on the weekends - but I also have the right to get the sleep I crave in MY bed in MY home. I have no problem sleeping when my kids are away from home or at school, on sleepovers, etc. But yes - if I am expecting them home and I wake up and they are not home and very LATE- I worry. If I am expecting my HUSBAND home and he is not home and I haven't heard from him -- I worry. It's not about being uber controlling. In this house, we tell people where we are going and when we will be home. It's courtesy. Adult courtesy. As for wanting to control your difficult child's college experience. I can see both sides of it. My easy child is leaving for college in 5 weeks and I am stressing a bit -- mostly because of difficult child's issues. (difficult child was a easy child until he was physically assaulted his first week away, had a serious injury, started self medicating, fell into wrong crowd, became a jerk and a liar, dropped out mid semester 3 and is now estranged from us). When I started seeing yellow, orange and finally red flags - I overlooked them -- wanting to give difficult child the ability to figure it out for himself. In retrospect - I wish we had stepped in A LOT sooner. In some ways, it's sink or swim and my kid SUNK. Controlling the purse strings does give one a vested interest in an offspring's education. I can tell you with certainty that if easy child starts exhibiting warning signs, we will pull the plug quickly. Tuition is A LOT of money. And an investment in their future. And while it's THEIR future - and we don't expect to be paid back - we also don't want this opportunity squandered. They need to find a balance and if the scale is tipping in the wrong direction - they are not finding a balance and the buck stops. My biggest regret is not pulling difficult child home before his second semester. In retrospect, I never should have let him return to school after his injury. So, I can see all sides. Lots of kids have a rip roaring good time at college AND find a way to balance it and fulfill educational goals. Their primary responsibility needs to be their education. Lots of kids manage to fly their irresponsible behavior under the radar. While I would never suggest parents look away from warning signs - frankly -- had my difficult child gotten good grades and been pleasant, his substance abuse and partying would have flown under my radar. I am glad your difficult child is in a structured dorm. I think it will work well for him. I think it's really great to suggest that he take up a sport. But make it a suggestion and not a decree. I wish my difficult child had taken up a sport. He went from being a HS varsity athlete (very structured and physical) to being a college freshman with too little structure and too much free time. With my easy child - I have suggested that he choose a course schedule that mimics the school schedule he has known his entire life. (he's a humanities major - so it works out) A math class, a language class, a science class, an English class etc. I suggested that he leave the more challenging classes to his second and 3rd semesters. Being away from home and on his own is enough of a challenge - his classes and the rhythm need to be more familiar. In contrast, my difficult child was encouraged by his adviser to take difficult science classes for which he DID NOT have the pre-reqs -- so he could "get them in" and progress towards his bio-chem major. It was a recipe for disaster. And when he struggled and had to drop classes or got mediocre grades - we cut him too much slack - all in the name of letting him own it. That was a mistake. Hindsight is always 20/20. So, you know your kid. Follow your instincts. I wish I had. {{{hugs}}} I know - like me - you are probably starting to panic a bit as the college start date gets closer. [/QUOTE]
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