Running out of ideas for punishments that Work for 5 year old

[Hound dog]

I agree with Janet. Except that I also happen to believe that a disabled child (like Travis) should be held to the same standard as much as possible. Discipline doesn't always mean time outs and spankings. As parents of difficult children a parent has to get creative, know their child, and figure out what works best for them in whatever situation it happens to be. This can be a process that takes a while. Or you may think you have it down, then suddenly it no longer works and so you have to change it up a bit.

We also have to remember praise. But praise should also be earned. Grandson Brandon is having quite a time with sibling rivalry right now. Baby Connor is now able to move and get to his toys. Now Brandon adored Connor before the whole moving thing started. So it's been one big fit after another with him trying to hurt the baby (because he doesn't know he really can hurt the baby) and take everything away from the baby. So....easy child started trying to make him share. That didn't go over well at all and he was being punished a lot. Then she and I both made sure that whatever nice thing he did for the baby.....we praised him for it and told him what a big boy he was. Reinforce the good, punish the bad. It's taken a few weeks but he's catching on to this whole sharing thing. He's still not sure he likes it, but he will at least do it now without a major tantrum.

I rarely spanked. It was reserved for serious offenses only. Time out was used as long as it was effective. But honestly, it wasn't effective for everything. Any punishment used too much loses it's impact, used without praise of good behavior..... well, my mom used the same punishment for everything, the woman didn't know what praise was, and I think most of us were about 7 when we stopped paying much attention to her.

Travis under age 5 was exhausting, to put it mildly. I actually had to watch him like a hawk for things I could praise him for or his days would've been filled with nothing but punishment. And it reminded me that not everything he did was bad, it just seemed like it sometimes, which let me be more affectionate with him. (cuz let's face it, it can be hard to feel like hugging someone you've done nothing but put in time out ect all day long for the same offenses over and over again)

But bottom line is cause and effect. It's how the whole world works. Sooner they learn that, the better off they are.

Malika, all the things you mentioned are forms of disciplining a child. I've used every one of them, along with many more I came up with myself that suited the situation.

It sort of worries me when a person says discipline / punishment these days and many young people automatically take it as spanking ect......so avoid any real discipline at all.

Bottom line is you have to strike a balance, consistency that rules ect are followed, consequences that fit the situation, and praise for good behavior.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Bottom line is you have to strike a balance, consistency that rules ect are followed, consequences that fit the situation, and praise for good behavior.

Words of wisdom from a wise, battle-tested warrior.

 

[Malika]

But bottom line is cause and effect. It's how the whole world works. Sooner they learn that, the better off they are.

Malika, all the things you mentioned are forms of disciplining a child. I've used every one of them, along with many more I came up with myself that suited the situation.

Words, words: slippery and unreliable and yet, as Samuel Beckett said they are "all we have to go on." Particularly in an internet forum... Possibly we do mean the same thing by different words but for me punishment is an essentially vindictive act that seeks to exact some kind of revenge or penalty after the event. I can feel that kind of instinct rising up in me when (hypothetically), J has just smashed a vase I like by roller skating in the house when I have told him not to. But, for me, the difference between punishment and the sort of thing I am talking about is that I see the latter as educational, as trying to teach or show something - that there are boundaries in our lives and that it is better for all concerned, including the child, if those boundaries are respected. And also that other people matter and that their concerns are as valid as those of the child. Teaching that is, to me, the inalienable duty of the parent.
A lot of things that parents punish their children for are, to me, not important. I would ALWAYS address the matter if I saw J being mean, unkind, hurtful or selfish with another child, an adult or a living being. This to me is a very important boundary. If he talks to me or to other disrespectfully or hurtfully, that is important. If he hits or hurts... of course. If he steals something.... of course. If he lies... of course. We are talking about educating people of the future. Of course it is important that certain social rules are integrated and practised - not because the law says it is wrong but because they are wrong in themselves. Punishment is to do with the law but I am interested in something beyond that.
Okay, sermon over

 

[buddy]

Now of course with a child that is so severely disabled as Buddy's there are always exceptions to the theories. I dont think he will be living on his own.

AND you in the US will be thrilled to know, he wont be driving either....yeah, that whole idea of a speed limit? No way...he wants to be a NASCAR driver, I let him have that dream, smile.

(since we live in MN, I will reassure you that CANADA is safe then too!)

 

[DammitJanet]

Malika...lets take your broken vase story.

I have no idea what you would do but here is what I would do. I have had similar things happen in my home literally hundreds of times over the years.

Lets take a scenario where its a pure accident. Child is playing in the house and running down the hall and trips and falls onto a table that holds the vase and it falls over and breaks.

Child is upset, comes and tells mommy that he fell and the vase broke. They go and clean up the vase together and talk about how running in the house isnt a good thing because one, he can get hurt and two, he can break things like the vase. Pure accident.

Now...if the mother has told her child to not do something like jump on the couch, run in the house, jump on the bed, climb on the counters...whatever. And the child does something and something is broken while they are doing that thing, then that is a whole other matter. The child has broken a rule. A rule he knew was in place. "We dont do X" So at that point the parent should enact a punishment. Now say it is a broken vase. They clean up the vase together. They talk about why it got broken. And in this instance I think a time out should be given AND I think the child should be made to replace an approximate value of a vase with either labor or allowance money. Labor is my choice at this age because they dont have a clue what money is. Or you can have them lose a toy of theirs. After all, they broke one of yours.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Janet -
I'd have expanded your case list...
Because... even with your second case, I wouldn't have added consequences yet. It takes practice to learn the rules. And the child came and told me - and I don't want the child to feel they are being punished for telling on themselves. Not unless the rule in question (no running in the house) is being broken consistently...

But... doing it, and then not telling, and then NOT telling the truth when confronted? Oh Boy. Definitely consequences on that one.

 

[DammitJanet]

Actually I didnt say the child came and told me in the second case.

Im pretty strict and it serves me well. everyone knows what is expected and what is going to happen now. I learned from parenting my first batch.

 

[nvts]

I've got to go with Janet on the vase thing...I've got my oldest is a residential in Westchester and the hardest thing that they've encountered is two-fold: consequenses and responsibility for his actions.

Teach them these things young, young, young or both they and you will surely have a harder time than necessary.

Beth

 

[Malika]

Now...if the mother has told her child to not do something like jump on the couch, run in the house, jump on the bed, climb on the counters...whatever. And the child does something and something is broken while they are doing that thing, then that is a whole other matter. The child has broken a rule. A rule he knew was in place. "We dont do X" So at that point the parent should enact a punishment. Now say it is a broken vase. They clean up the vase together. They talk about why it got broken. And in this instance I think a time out should be given AND I think the child should be made to replace an approximate value of a vase with either labor or allowance money. Labor is my choice at this age because they dont have a clue what money is. Or you can have them lose a toy of theirs. After all, they broke one of yours.

Janet... I'd be happy if J accepted to go in time outs and I felt it made him understand some connection between the mistaken action and the time out... but he doesn't and it doesn't... Though I think in any case I would have a different sense than you of this scenario (surprise, surprise ) I would feel that "paying" for the vase in some manner was fair only if the child had deliberately broken it. In your situation, it was still an accident, arising out of the fact that he or she had been jumping on the couch or running in the house. In which case.... I would think of something useful the child could do instead using energy, some form of work around the house they could contribute to - sweeping up, helping with the laundry, bringing in logs, depending on age.
I try to make things natural and related. If J spills something (as he did today), he wipes it up with a cloth. He puts his clothes in the laundry basket to be washed. He tidies his bath toys away after the bath... small things that are actually quite radical in the Moroccan context where boys are never asked to help in any form in the house. I certainly don't want him growing up like that...
J gets upset when I get cross with him or raise my voice. It seems to have an effect. We all do what we can, with the tools available to us and according to our best lights...

 

[Shadow89]

Thank you all for the advice. We have been providing more attention to her and giving her more praises than negative talk and it seems to be working. I have eliminated for the time being spanking as it seems not to work anyways and try and talk to her about her actions and tell her why its wrong instead of the easiest, because I said so remark.
Shes responding better to this thankfully. She is also getting a tad bit more sleep at night, she has awful night terrors and walk and talks in her sleep but lately its been to a minimum.
She has family fun day on Fridays which is a unearned event, as in she doesn't loose this day if shes bad because its basically her one on one time with both me and Daddy. Last Friday we made a haunted cookie house, the ones they sell at Walmart, and watched a movie together. Shes not perfect, but no child is, and shes getting better. Last week no incidents at school. She did come home and tell me that a boy threw a rock at another boy and he had to go to the principles, and I asked her if she new why he had to, which she did and she explained to me why we don't throw rocks or hurt other people. Which I was rather proud of her for doing.
Im sorry I didn't respond sooner, the little one keeps me rather busy.

 

[TeDo]

I am so glad things are looking up a little. I am glad you are responding differently to her behavior and she is learning to talk about it rather than act out. That's huge.

 

[DammitJanet]

N...she is a good girl and she has a good mommy...lol. She is gonna be just fine.

 

[buddy]

You done good....heehee

She sure is a lucky little girl....as are you lucky to have her. She sounds like she is trying so hard and has so much on her plate for a little one. How proud of her and yourself are you that she had such a good week in school! WOW. Now come do that to mine!