Sad, Lonesome, Stressful, Worriesome LIFE

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ME & THE BOYS, Jun 18, 2007.

  1. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    I want to thank those of you who have responded to my TWO posts.
    I can't thank you enough.

    I hope to find time SOON, where I can reply. It is mostly only me and the boys and I often fall off to sleep exhausted with my 7 year old. Days are long and exhausting, nights seem short. I am sure many of us feel this way.

    I only have a minute as I must tend to the laundry, preparing sauce, returning calls and playing with my 4 year old who doesn't ever seem to want to occupy himself (even for 5 minutes).

    What I didn't mention in my prior postings is in addition to my 7 year old son having Multiple diagnosis, I have a husband who has damaaged my heart completly. It has been (almost) 3 years since I found out about him falling for another woman. He is still living with us (aparently she ended it with him cause she claims to be a good person). The last three years have been a painful, worriesome, stressful time. IMAGINE, dealing with all this maritial stuff in addition to the difficulties of a son with his troubles. I loved this man and he ruined me! He made the discovery after his involment with this other woman, "that parenting is not for him.". I wonder each day if he will leave us and file for divorce, leaving me to care for the kids and worry about bills, fighting schools,,,. He has stated he wants me to return to work so I can help support my kids. I haven't much education. Workign would be insane at their young ages (my boys are 7 and 4).

    As I said, I am dealing with sooooo many issues. My pain, loss of self esteem, worry, stress, stress, and more stress. I have no support from family friends. They don't live close by. AND my neighbours don't get my situtation (they haven't had a cheating husband ruin them, nor do they have children with the difficulties my 7 year old has).

    I am so tired. So scared. So sad. So worried.

    Anyone out there in my shoes? Cheating spouse who now hates/loves their spouse and yet spouse doesn't want to be with them? I know he would be gone if only money weren't the issue for him.

    My son has ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), Anxiety, MID (mild intellectual disability), fine/gross motor skills difficulties, social skills difficulites AND I THINK I AM DEALING WITH THE VERY WORST CASE OF SIBLING RIVALRY.

    I am hating my life! HELP!
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, you certainly have your share of difficulties now - don't you??!! I am so sorry.

    One of the things that is learned quickly here is that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of your difficult children. It is important to take time for yourself. Having other interests is quite important to your life and your marriage.

    Life happens. And sometimes it stinks. Big time. You have to remember, 'this to shall pass'. And it will. You will feel better about your marriage and your child someday. Just look back to 10 years ago and I am sure there was something you were stressing about then, too. I am not making light of your pain at all. Just trying to give you another aspect to think about. One that is less painful :wink: as I certainly know heartache!

  3. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can not imagine how it must be without support from your husband. I notice you're in Canada, and while its a big place, I've noticed many of the moms on here are also from Canada. Maybe you can locate one of them close by? At the very least, they will understand what you're going through with your son. I'm not sure anyone knows what infidelity is like until they go through it themself. With my husband now, I don't have to deal with that, but that is how I got my 3 difficult child's. This life is very tiring, very stressful and very sad at times too. Today is one of the sad days for me, so I sympathize with you there. I hope you get some rest or a break. Maybe there is a way to find someone on here who lives near by and you can help eachother out.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    We went through a really tough time in our relationship a little less than a year ago. Divorce was for the first time something that I was considering.

    Once everything came to a head, I basically issued my demands that had to be met in order for me to consider reconciliation. It was the most difficult thing in the world for me to do, but I couldn't continue the way that we were going.

    I had been laid off from a pretty well paying job and we had decided that I would stay at home due to the boys both showing multi. diagnosis' and issues.

    Here I was, deciding that no matter what, I was worth more than I was getting.

    Why don't you look into some Community Support Programs. A lot of Consumer sights, as well as Government programs are free or based on what YOU feel you can afford. Many have "respite" programs that set up child care, etc. while you go to these support groups. Also, look under Not For Profit info. from different mental health agencies. Since your son is school aged, the "Special Education" department might have an idea as to different services available.

    We all hate our lives at one point or another. Don't feel alone...we've all been there! husband sounds like he was ready to be "playing catch with the boys" while "mom will put on an apron and get dinner started". Once the going got tough, he could have gotten scared or even a little depressed as well. Males and e-mails (as my son called us a while ago) handle stress VERY differently.

    I'll be thinking of you! Let me know if you need help researching places to look for help!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, hon, I feel so sad for you! I wish I knew what to say to make it better. I did go through a divorce and it's really hard when a marriage is on the rocks PLUS your kids are difficult. I wonder if you can get therapy up in Canada. Is it covered? I truly think that you are in the perfect situation to benefit from it. You need someone to talk to! Do you have any family who can help you with your kids? If your hub does leave, doesn't he need to pay child support? (((Hugs))) Keep posting. We're with ya!
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    We are here for support for you, until you can locate a support system in person.

    I left my DEX when difficult child was just two. He was not working, we were not making it on my salary, and instead of looking for work, he would sleep half the day away (thus not taking care of our child) and stay out half the night. Yup, with a new gal. Who didn't NAG like I did.

    When you take a flight, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you tend to your kids. Same rules apply in life. If you are not taking care of yourself, you cannot possibly take care of your kids.

    Whether you wake up 1/2 hour before the kids do so you can have your coffee in peace, or you arrange a couple of hours on the weekend so you can have a bubble bath, you NEED to have some ME time.

    Life throws all kinds of stuff at us. But there is nothing that cannot be handled with God's help. Hugs and prayers being sent your way.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member


    "that parenting is not for him."

    Oh, poor, poor pitiful me! Let's get out the violins.
    Hey, he already had his coping mechanism... an affair. What do YOU get? (My response when people ask about "what if" your husband had an affair is, "Does she do windows?" ...cuz I'm going to get something out of it! LOL!)

    Quite frankly, if you're staying for the sake of the kids, don't bother. He's a horrid mentor and role model. You can force him to pay alimony and child support. The judge will force you to get a job, but by that time, both kids will be well into gradeschool (these court issues take time) and you'll have had time to plan.

    You have more than you need to cope with. It's time for your husband to step up to the bat.

    Sorry, no sympathy here for him.

    But boatloads of sympathy for you.

    For starters, tell him he's staying home to take care of the kids 4 nights a wk. while you take night classes and/or go out with-your friends (or better yet, both!). He doesn't get a choice.

    So there. Hmphf.

  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just sending some gentle hugs your way. It's hard. You have to find ways to take care of you and I know this is easier said than done. For me exercise helps relieve a lot of my stress. I also love to read and often do once difficult child is asleep.
  9. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    <span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'>"that parenting is not for him."
    my that sounds familiar.............

    Sweetie I am guessing you do 99% of the work when it comes to your kids now.

    You don't deserve to have to live in this situation. But sense he is there by all means use him and take the <u>"me" time</u>. Go back to school at night so when/if the bum does leave you'll be on your way to securing a better paying job.

    And you also go for the max, alimony, child support and make sure the courts know your kids have special needs, he'll have to pay more.

    You need to know it's not you (obviously your d/h has issues, so many d/h's do, but not all), get mad :grrr:, real mad, get your ducks lined up (some $ squirreled away) and set out your terms. We are women we ARE STRONG!!!!!!!!!</span> :warrior:
  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Too bad that he's discovered parenting isn't for him. He's adult. He's made his choices. Now he has to live with them. I have zero sympathy for him.

    I agree with what Terry said. Being lonely in a marriage is so much worse than being lonely alone. Trust me on that one. What you have now is a daily reminder of your heartache - and the cause of it.

    ((((HUGS)))) You're stronger than you feel right now.
  11. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    I am insane. I love this bad man who depresses me. It is depressign to live with a man who does not love you. He has told me he does not love me.

    What is wrong with me?!
  12. mum2JK&TH

    mum2JK&TH New Member

    Where abouts in Canada do you live? I find we are a little more fortunate in that a lot of our health care is paid for. Have you looked into resources for yourself? I would start with your doctor and go from there. I cannot imagine being with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I know how it feels to have low self-esteem and that can make anything seem impossible. You need to have someone that you can talk to and then resources to show you that you are capable of doing it on your own. Don't waste your life on someone whose not worth it. That in itself will keep you in a bad place.

    Changes are scary, but sometimes necessary.

  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I STRONGLY suggest that you contact your local Catholic Charities, YMCA, church or outreach center to find yourself a decent therapist who can help you answer that question.

    When my oldest was just 5 months old, I knew something was wrong in my marriage and sought out counseling to figure out what was "wrong with ME, why did I choose men like my exH to give myself to, how did I get where I was??". To say the experience was illuminating is an understatement. I saw two counselors before I found the one I felt comfortable with best. I took my daughter with me since she was so little, but as she got older, the receptionist would watch her for me, and eventually they added a sitting service. The fees were all sliding scale based on my income at that time and because exH was such a slug - that wasn't much.

    I went for approximately 18 months (had difficult child in the interim) and when I came out of it, I was stronger and felt more capable. I felt more secure in who I was and able to make a concrete decision about my (our) future. It took another year for me to finally leave and I moved into a large house with a friend of mine who was also a single parent with a little girl. Our 3 girls shared a room and we took the smaller rooms. It was very difficult, I sought out public assistance for a short while, received state aid and medicaid, but I grew stronger and the girls were happy and it worked out.

    Once you are ready to make that break, with each passing day, you grow stronger and more confident. You are obviously the better parent and you have the strenght of many, your children trust you and believe in you, they come to you. Now it's time for you to believe in you. I PRAY that you find yourself a counselor who can help you find yourself again and build up your belief in you to realize that life IS short and it could and should be better than this. We all deserve to be happy and have a moment or two by ourselves and if yours has to be court ordered, so be it.

    Someone here said the thing about when you're on a flight and there is an emergency - you put the oxygen mask on YOU first, then your child. So it is with raising children across the board - you have to take care of yourself so you are better able to take care of your children. If your energy, emotion, heart, etc., are depleted, there will be nothing left for your loved ones.

    Many many gentle hugs - I don't think there is one of us here who doesn't know what you feel like. At one time of another, we've all felt very lonely and isolated and have struggled. Tomorrow is a new day and each day is an opportunity to help yourself. You can do it.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You said, "I am insane. I love this bad man who depresses me. It is depressign to live with a man who does not love you. He has told me he does not love me.

    What is wrong with me?!"

    Absolutely nothing. All that is wrong is that you are loyal, faithful, you put everyone else above your own needs and this is turning you into a doormat. Don't let that happen!

    This is not about you, it's about him and his selfish needs. He sired two children so he has financial and moral responsibilities he can never welch out of.