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Sad mother, bipolar daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 700412" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Tandemdame, I am so sorry for your troubles with your daughter, I have been away for awhile and am just catching up.</p><p>This is a difficult journey you are on. Warm hugs for your hurting heart.</p><p>Reading your thread, I see that you and husband have done so much for your daughter. Unfortunately, (but characteristically for many of our d c's), she has shown complete disrespect for you both and your home.</p><p>You are not alone in this.</p><p></p><p>A restraining order is just that, no contact, no showing up at your house to collect things.</p><p>It seems that she is testing the waters, first to get her cat, now to come into your home. I understand how hard it is to turn our own away, but really, a restraining order is an obligation on both parties involved. Be very careful about allowing her to cross this line because it nullifies the order in <em>her mind</em>, and may be a legal issue for you as well. This varies by State.</p><p>I have also read about folks having to go through eviction process with adult children who have lived at home. There are also tenants rights to possessions. Try to contact your local authorities for more information on this.</p><p>As far as being sad and ashamed for her looking into a homeless shelter, I understand. It is a hard thing to see an adult child at this juncture.</p><p>From my viewpoint, <em>she is taking a good step to find a solution</em>. I write this, as my daughter lives in a park a few miles away from my home. It is actually <em>my hope </em>that one day she would go to a shelter and avail herself of the help offered there. But, alas, it is not the case as yet.</p><p>There are services for our wayward adult children beyond what <em>we could ever offer them</em>. When they lean on us for their needs, it comes with this feeling of entitlement, in many posts here, when in our homes, they seem to regress and drag us into this downward spiral of desperation. It is akin to a double drowning.</p><p>I have had to tell my two that I would not allow them to live with me. It was hard, but necessary. This is after years of trying to "help", taking them into my home, only to have to give them the boot because of the shades of crazy we went through.</p><p></p><p>I have no problem with multi generational living arrangements, (especially with high cost of living) as long as there is mutual respect and contribution to household upkeep and expense. Unfortunately, that was not the case when we opened our doors to try to help.</p><p>It quickly became a deplorable living situation.</p><p>Unacceptable.</p><p>My two have never been diagnosed with mental illness, but have been involved with drugs, lead very unstable lives and have had scary acquaintances come in to our home. We have been stolen from many times. And on and on.</p><p>The worst theft is time, our broken hearts and dreams.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to see our adult children down and out, but, I continue to tell myself that <em>they have got to learn how to find their way in this world</em>. I will not be around forever to "rescue" them. </p><p>We recently suffered the loss of their father, so <em>this they know firsthand</em>. One would think that would be a time for an epiphany and lifestyle changes, but I am <em>not holding my breath for that to happen. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>My hubs passing <em>taught me </em>that life is very, very short. We worked so hard to give our children the best we could. Of course we made mistakes, had tough times, but that is life. Spent his last few years struggling with our twos choices and trying to help them to no avail, at the expense of finding joy and really and truthfully <em>well deserved time for ourselves. </em>Hubs struggle with illness did not prevent the path our two chose. </p><p></p><p>This is a very selfish beast to deal with.</p><p></p><p>You and your husband have your lives to live. You have raised your daughter. She has made choices and will have to learn from the consequences, <em>even with her mental illness</em>.<em> </em></p><p><em>Her illness does not mandate an obligation of lifetime care for her</em>.</p><p>Letting her go and grow and face the consequences of her choices, does not mean you do not love her, rather your great love for her should help you to see beyond her situation now, to the reality that<em> she has to learn how to care for herself</em>. Sometimes, our adult children take the hard road, and we as parents struggle with the idea of our d c's suffering.</p><p>How else will they learn?</p><p>If we continue to take on the burden of their consequences, how will they learn to choose better?</p><p>Hang in there dear and keep posting. There are so many kind folks here who have been through the heartache of this journey, and offer wise advice. None of us are experts, just people who have been through much of what you are dealing with. </p><p> I hope you find some respite this weekend and take some time for yourself to gain strength.</p><p>You have value and worth, YOU matter.</p><p>Be very kind to yourself.</p><p>Many, many</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 700412, member: 19522"] Tandemdame, I am so sorry for your troubles with your daughter, I have been away for awhile and am just catching up. This is a difficult journey you are on. Warm hugs for your hurting heart. Reading your thread, I see that you and husband have done so much for your daughter. Unfortunately, (but characteristically for many of our d c's), she has shown complete disrespect for you both and your home. You are not alone in this. A restraining order is just that, no contact, no showing up at your house to collect things. It seems that she is testing the waters, first to get her cat, now to come into your home. I understand how hard it is to turn our own away, but really, a restraining order is an obligation on both parties involved. Be very careful about allowing her to cross this line because it nullifies the order in [I]her mind[/I], and may be a legal issue for you as well. This varies by State. I have also read about folks having to go through eviction process with adult children who have lived at home. There are also tenants rights to possessions. Try to contact your local authorities for more information on this. As far as being sad and ashamed for her looking into a homeless shelter, I understand. It is a hard thing to see an adult child at this juncture. From my viewpoint, [I]she is taking a good step to find a solution[/I]. I write this, as my daughter lives in a park a few miles away from my home. It is actually [I]my hope [/I]that one day she would go to a shelter and avail herself of the help offered there. But, alas, it is not the case as yet. There are services for our wayward adult children beyond what [I]we could ever offer them[/I]. When they lean on us for their needs, it comes with this feeling of entitlement, in many posts here, when in our homes, they seem to regress and drag us into this downward spiral of desperation. It is akin to a double drowning. I have had to tell my two that I would not allow them to live with me. It was hard, but necessary. This is after years of trying to "help", taking them into my home, only to have to give them the boot because of the shades of crazy we went through. I have no problem with multi generational living arrangements, (especially with high cost of living) as long as there is mutual respect and contribution to household upkeep and expense. Unfortunately, that was not the case when we opened our doors to try to help. It quickly became a deplorable living situation. Unacceptable. My two have never been diagnosed with mental illness, but have been involved with drugs, lead very unstable lives and have had scary acquaintances come in to our home. We have been stolen from many times. And on and on. The worst theft is time, our broken hearts and dreams. It is hard to see our adult children down and out, but, I continue to tell myself that [I]they have got to learn how to find their way in this world[/I]. I will not be around forever to "rescue" them. We recently suffered the loss of their father, so [I]this they know firsthand[/I]. One would think that would be a time for an epiphany and lifestyle changes, but I am [I]not holding my breath for that to happen. [/I] My hubs passing [I]taught me [/I]that life is very, very short. We worked so hard to give our children the best we could. Of course we made mistakes, had tough times, but that is life. Spent his last few years struggling with our twos choices and trying to help them to no avail, at the expense of finding joy and really and truthfully [I]well deserved time for ourselves. [/I]Hubs struggle with illness did not prevent the path our two chose. This is a very selfish beast to deal with. You and your husband have your lives to live. You have raised your daughter. She has made choices and will have to learn from the consequences, [I]even with her mental illness[/I].[I] Her illness does not mandate an obligation of lifetime care for her[/I]. Letting her go and grow and face the consequences of her choices, does not mean you do not love her, rather your great love for her should help you to see beyond her situation now, to the reality that[I] she has to learn how to care for herself[/I]. Sometimes, our adult children take the hard road, and we as parents struggle with the idea of our d c's suffering. How else will they learn? If we continue to take on the burden of their consequences, how will they learn to choose better? Hang in there dear and keep posting. There are so many kind folks here who have been through the heartache of this journey, and offer wise advice. None of us are experts, just people who have been through much of what you are dealing with. I hope you find some respite this weekend and take some time for yourself to gain strength. You have value and worth, YOU matter. Be very kind to yourself. Many, many (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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