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Sad mother, bipolar daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 701109" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Tandem, detaching doesn't mean coldly cutting our loved ones off. To me, it means trying to find that balance again in taking care of ourselves, loving ourselves as God, or any higher power you may believe in, <em>intended</em>.</p><p>Believe me, I still cycle through many emotions, but just not so <em>intensely</em> as before. I try to catch myself before entering that realm again, it is a hard place to come back from.</p><p>What helped me greatly, besides this site and posting, was reconnecting with my well children. I hadn't realized that we were so in the thick of rescue mode that my other adult children were just kind of waiting in the wings.</p><p>I had a no contact period, pretty much instigated by my daughters horrific exodus with children in tow from my home. It was a wake up call of the shades of crazy we had endured for <em>years. </em>Birthdays and holidays came and went. My eldest, caught up in meth, abusive boyfriend and homelessness would come and go, and triangulated her dad and I.</p><p>I became the "bad" guy, as I began to examine all that had gone on and said "no more". Hubs reluctantly agreed we could no longer house our two troubled beloveds, but he would allow Rain to come over, shower, eat a meal and do her laundry. I had gotten to the point where I was just so fed up. I was attacked as well, not to the degree you were, but I had just had <em>enough</em>.</p><p>I viewed hubs stance as enabling, in some way it was, but he was just trying to stay connected in some way. We each went through our own thing, trying to heal and move forward.</p><p>Now, I am able to have more contact, and it is not easy to stay out of rescue mode. But, I have learned the hard way that my two don't make any effort to change when they are in my home. They backslide and take me down that slippery slope with them.</p><p>I do not like the lifestyle my two lead, but I do love them with all of my heart. It is difficult to see them suffer and struggle, but I know I cannot go back to the same ole, same ole. I had to say this to them, "No, you cannot live here ........" and it hurt, but they have to look back and understand why.........their living at home is very unhealthy <em>for all of us.</em></p><p>Hubs passing has forced me to focus more on self care and keeping my head above water.</p><p>I have declared my house a "peace zone".</p><p>What I have learned is that our d cs will do what they do, in spite of our best hopes and wishes for them. They are adults and will choose their lifestyle. They have to learn to take care of themselves, I won't be here forever to "rescue" them.</p><p>There is help out there, if they want to avail themselves.</p><p>There are folks here on cd, who will tell you that when they let go and started focusing on bringing balance and finding joy into their life, that somehow their d cs got a little better. Not instantaneously, but I think what is key is modeling self care, rebuking and refusing unacceptable behaviors from our d cs, not focusing so much on <em>their choices</em> and consequences, vs living a <strong>good rest of our lives.</strong></p><p>A common denominator is that these adult kids feel such a sense of <em>entitlement. </em>We keep giving and giving, it's no wonder they feel that way. We have done our raising children as best we can. Comes a time when they have to learn to spread their wings and fly. We can love them and hope and pray.</p><p>In the end all, they will make their way, sometimes on a rocky path but <em>they must learn. </em></p><p>While they are learning, we need to find a new way for ourselves.</p><p><em> If nothing changes, nothing changes. </em></p><p>Be very kind to yourself, do something you enjoy<em>. </em>Go for a walk, discover a new passion<em>. </em></p><p>You have been through a tough battle, build yourself up and find resources for your toolbox<em>. You're going to be okay Tandem, and so is your daughter.</em></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 701109, member: 19522"] Tandem, detaching doesn't mean coldly cutting our loved ones off. To me, it means trying to find that balance again in taking care of ourselves, loving ourselves as God, or any higher power you may believe in, [I]intended[/I]. Believe me, I still cycle through many emotions, but just not so [I]intensely[/I] as before. I try to catch myself before entering that realm again, it is a hard place to come back from. What helped me greatly, besides this site and posting, was reconnecting with my well children. I hadn't realized that we were so in the thick of rescue mode that my other adult children were just kind of waiting in the wings. I had a no contact period, pretty much instigated by my daughters horrific exodus with children in tow from my home. It was a wake up call of the shades of crazy we had endured for [I]years. [/I]Birthdays and holidays came and went. My eldest, caught up in meth, abusive boyfriend and homelessness would come and go, and triangulated her dad and I. I became the "bad" guy, as I began to examine all that had gone on and said "no more". Hubs reluctantly agreed we could no longer house our two troubled beloveds, but he would allow Rain to come over, shower, eat a meal and do her laundry. I had gotten to the point where I was just so fed up. I was attacked as well, not to the degree you were, but I had just had [I]enough[/I]. I viewed hubs stance as enabling, in some way it was, but he was just trying to stay connected in some way. We each went through our own thing, trying to heal and move forward. Now, I am able to have more contact, and it is not easy to stay out of rescue mode. But, I have learned the hard way that my two don't make any effort to change when they are in my home. They backslide and take me down that slippery slope with them. I do not like the lifestyle my two lead, but I do love them with all of my heart. It is difficult to see them suffer and struggle, but I know I cannot go back to the same ole, same ole. I had to say this to them, "No, you cannot live here ........" and it hurt, but they have to look back and understand why.........their living at home is very unhealthy [I]for all of us.[/I] Hubs passing has forced me to focus more on self care and keeping my head above water. I have declared my house a "peace zone". What I have learned is that our d cs will do what they do, in spite of our best hopes and wishes for them. They are adults and will choose their lifestyle. They have to learn to take care of themselves, I won't be here forever to "rescue" them. There is help out there, if they want to avail themselves. There are folks here on cd, who will tell you that when they let go and started focusing on bringing balance and finding joy into their life, that somehow their d cs got a little better. Not instantaneously, but I think what is key is modeling self care, rebuking and refusing unacceptable behaviors from our d cs, not focusing so much on [I]their choices[/I] and consequences, vs living a [B]good rest of our lives.[/B] A common denominator is that these adult kids feel such a sense of [I]entitlement. [/I]We keep giving and giving, it's no wonder they feel that way. We have done our raising children as best we can. Comes a time when they have to learn to spread their wings and fly. We can love them and hope and pray. In the end all, they will make their way, sometimes on a rocky path but [I]they must learn. [/I] While they are learning, we need to find a new way for ourselves. [I] If nothing changes, nothing changes. [/I] Be very kind to yourself, do something you enjoy[I]. [/I]Go for a walk, discover a new passion[I]. [/I] You have been through a tough battle, build yourself up and find resources for your toolbox[I]. You're going to be okay Tandem, and so is your daughter.[/I] (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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