Thank you again for all of your support, it always means so much.
SO and I went to the ocean yesterday, hiked along the cliffs overlooking the Pacific, it was a perfect day. There's a tiny little hole in the wall coffee shop on the way we have become sort of "regulars" at.......they have the best homemade scones I've ever tasted! Being on the ocean and experiencing that vastness always offers me a different perspective, I'm able to see how tiny my personal issues really are in the face of that enormous ocean...............the waves keep crashing to shore regardless of what is going on in my life..............throughout my life, being near the ocean has always had an enormous positive impact on me. And SO too.
.it really does feel good to be ourselves, and be part of the conversation, instead of managing and suggesting and hiding and evaluating the situation from some third person place.
Yes Echo it really does.
I talked to my daughter last night. She sounded pretty good. She chatted away about her present life in jail...........I listened. I didn't say much at all. I'm still in my 'silent mode.' I think now that many of the details of her outside life have been taken care of, she can just relax and do her time.
She was actually pretty excited about taking a bunch of classes, I had to smile at one point as I listened to her enthusiasm, in another life she could have been talking about being away at school and the new classes she is taking...........no past, no future, just her present joy in what she has chosen to do. I felt comforted by that and happy for her. I remembered Cedar mentioning how she was talking to her daughter about mushrooms and it was so good............and then she slipped into "Mother Mode" and the energy shifted. I didn't want to do that.................and I didn't. So, she continued chatting easily.
Towards the end she said, "Thank you so much Mom for all that you've done, there is no way for you to know how grateful I feel. It means so much to me." She was earnest and honest and I felt the truth of that statement and how much it meant to her that I am still here in her corner, loving her.
I believe her acknowledgement of her gratitude towards me is a big step for her in this detachment/acceptance process. I've stopped all of the giving which defined enabling and changed into the
mother of an adult..........the mother of someone who is over the age of being a child or even a
young adult, the time in life where parenting is no longer a guiding force, where two adults are now present and separate in their own unique and natural spheres of influence. As in Cedar's "deconstructing the birds nest", at least for my way of seeing this now, there is a time where that "Mother Mode" has to stop, detaching has to happen. I think usually, in a healthy kid, that is a natural progression. However, it it doesn't happen, then we really must "deconstruct the nest."
My daughter has had no "nest" for a long time, she has been flying around being thrown from thermal to thermal in an attempt to find her self, or maybe just to survive. I read once that growth is like that. A bird wanting to fly higher has to change thermals and once they leave the comfort of that first thermal, they are thrown all over as the force of the wind catches them and flings them around helplessly until they engage in the next thermal. That middle time is pretty chaotic and frenzied.
Once my daughter lost her home, her 'nest' 4 years ago, life has been lived
in between thermals. Total chaos.
Her new found appreciation for me and my ability to feel "seen" by her has opened a new door for us. I am not sure where that door may lead us, if anywhere, but for right now, it is enough. Something has shifted, her heart is opened just a little bit. She sounded younger and lighter and not so hardened. She has 45 more days to go. Now that we are more or less settled in to this new normal and all the details are figured out............there is nothing more to 'do.' The 'breakdown' part is over, perhaps we are looking at a breakthrough. I don't know.
Perhaps being removed from the continual, unrelenting, daily surviving will offer her a needed rest from life where she can make different decisions. I don't know. It may not.
Yesterday, while we were hiking along the ocean, I was noticing my mind wanting to jump into the future, to figure stuff out, to control what hasn't even happened yet. I've been observing that a lot lately. As it happened, I gently shifted my focus back to the present moment where I could feel that ocean air, smell the salty breezes, feel the joy being there brings me...........it's a practice. I am doing that practice often and it works to bring me back in to the present moment.
Today everything is okay, we are all in the right place. It is going to rain and I am going to make soup. This is a new day. I think I'll go enjoy it...........
