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Sad to say but I have to move easy child into the difficult child category...
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 427326" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>I'm sorry for the pain you are going through 3S.</p><p>In the reading I have done about adoption, it is often said that adolescence can be a time of real crisis for adopted children. To what degree this is operating for your daughter I obviously cannot know, but it may be relevant. Have you read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier? In talking about adoptees' anger and rejection of adoptive parents she says:</p><p>"...even though adoptees tend to feel innately responsible for their own relinquishment; there is a paradoxical feeling of having been a victim. This, then, implies a need for someone to blame. Adoptees vacillate back and forth between blaming themselves for not having been good enough to keep to having a feeling of helplessness and undifferentiated anger for having been so manipulated. [...] While it is true that seeing adoption as the only issue may cause parents and children to overlook some obvious interpersonal conflicts, it is important to keep in mind that adoptees <em>are</em> victims of manipulation of the gravest kind: the severing of their tie to the birthmother and their biological roots. The feeling of being a victim is not just a fantasy but a reality. Being abandoned often leaves one with a permanent feeling of being at the mercy of others. The fact that the child does not consciously remember the substitution of others does not diminish the impact of the experience. In fact the inability to consciously remember the experience may make the impact even more devastating and perplexing. [...] Having been manipulated at the beginning of their lives makes some adoptees manipulative and controlling. Families of acting-out adoptees will know what I am talking about. [...] Parents and clinicians should not dismiss the feeling of victimization on the part of the adoptee as a rationalization and a means of avoiding the resolution of conflicts with his parents. They should, instead, first acknowledge the child's feelings, then go on to the interpersonal problem. Lashing out against the adoptive parents is a way for the adoptee to try to externalize his inner shame. [...] In working with adoptive families, it seems to be tremendously helpful for the adoptive parents to understand the source of their child's anger, because instead of becoming defensive, they can acknowledge feelings. [...]</p><p>Adolescence is a difficult time in the lives of parents and their children whether adopted or not, but it seems especially difficult for those children who have no sense of their history. [...] For the hitherto compliant adoptee, this may be the first time he becomes aware of his deep feelings about his relinquishment and adoption. [...] The lack of personal history is a handicap for the adoptee because of the importance of knowing one's past before planning for the future. [...] Because of the dearth of information about his own history; the adoptee often has a more stressful adolescence than his non-adopted counterpart. That profound separation of his biological sense of himself and his inability to identify with either of his adoptive parents may prompt some adoptees to act out destructively during adolescence, even if they had previously been compliant. This often astonishes their adoptive parents, who had thought that their child had made a good adjustment. The parents often feel betrayed by their previously docile child and unable to cope with the situation."</p><p>And so on. I have quoted just the essential. The author talks about these issues in greater detail and then goes on in the next chapter to address healing and ways in which the hurting adoptee can be helped, and the adoptive parents come to a deeper understanding of what is going on. I do recommend the book if you don't already know it.</p><p>Can I ask to what degree the issue of adoption has been addressed for your daughter, now and in the past? Do you feel it is a factor in what is going on for her right now?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 427326, member: 11227"] I'm sorry for the pain you are going through 3S. In the reading I have done about adoption, it is often said that adolescence can be a time of real crisis for adopted children. To what degree this is operating for your daughter I obviously cannot know, but it may be relevant. Have you read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier? In talking about adoptees' anger and rejection of adoptive parents she says: "...even though adoptees tend to feel innately responsible for their own relinquishment; there is a paradoxical feeling of having been a victim. This, then, implies a need for someone to blame. Adoptees vacillate back and forth between blaming themselves for not having been good enough to keep to having a feeling of helplessness and undifferentiated anger for having been so manipulated. [...] While it is true that seeing adoption as the only issue may cause parents and children to overlook some obvious interpersonal conflicts, it is important to keep in mind that adoptees [I]are[/I] victims of manipulation of the gravest kind: the severing of their tie to the birthmother and their biological roots. The feeling of being a victim is not just a fantasy but a reality. Being abandoned often leaves one with a permanent feeling of being at the mercy of others. The fact that the child does not consciously remember the substitution of others does not diminish the impact of the experience. In fact the inability to consciously remember the experience may make the impact even more devastating and perplexing. [...] Having been manipulated at the beginning of their lives makes some adoptees manipulative and controlling. Families of acting-out adoptees will know what I am talking about. [...] Parents and clinicians should not dismiss the feeling of victimization on the part of the adoptee as a rationalization and a means of avoiding the resolution of conflicts with his parents. They should, instead, first acknowledge the child's feelings, then go on to the interpersonal problem. Lashing out against the adoptive parents is a way for the adoptee to try to externalize his inner shame. [...] In working with adoptive families, it seems to be tremendously helpful for the adoptive parents to understand the source of their child's anger, because instead of becoming defensive, they can acknowledge feelings. [...] Adolescence is a difficult time in the lives of parents and their children whether adopted or not, but it seems especially difficult for those children who have no sense of their history. [...] For the hitherto compliant adoptee, this may be the first time he becomes aware of his deep feelings about his relinquishment and adoption. [...] The lack of personal history is a handicap for the adoptee because of the importance of knowing one's past before planning for the future. [...] Because of the dearth of information about his own history; the adoptee often has a more stressful adolescence than his non-adopted counterpart. That profound separation of his biological sense of himself and his inability to identify with either of his adoptive parents may prompt some adoptees to act out destructively during adolescence, even if they had previously been compliant. This often astonishes their adoptive parents, who had thought that their child had made a good adjustment. The parents often feel betrayed by their previously docile child and unable to cope with the situation." And so on. I have quoted just the essential. The author talks about these issues in greater detail and then goes on in the next chapter to address healing and ways in which the hurting adoptee can be helped, and the adoptive parents come to a deeper understanding of what is going on. I do recommend the book if you don't already know it. Can I ask to what degree the issue of adoption has been addressed for your daughter, now and in the past? Do you feel it is a factor in what is going on for her right now? [/QUOTE]
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Sad to say but I have to move easy child into the difficult child category...
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