Same neighbor/more problems for my daughter (Long)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MidwestMom, Jun 15, 2007.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Very briefly, most of you probably remember when I posted about how my daughter, age 11, started having big problems with a bully girl named P. They were "friends" because my daughter was afraid NOT to be her friend (which means she had to do her bidding) and I tried talking to her P's mother, who was a friend of mine, but it didn't work because she told me that P. isn't like that, that it was my daughter being mean (I checked with several other moms, they all said P. is mean). Ok, that's the short version. Here's the latest.

    N. decided she would take a stand against P. We decided that any time P. picked on her because she was breaking out of P.'s orbit, that N. would tell the school counselor. She did so three times and P. behaved better in school. In fact, I'm not sure P. is even angry at N. anymore, but P's mother sure is. P's father is the softball coach for the fifth/sixth grade girls, so both P. and N. are on his team. Tell me how you would have handled this one.

    P's mom came to the softball game on Wednesday waving invitations around and handing them blatantly to every girl except for N. The parents, myself included, thought it was a softball team party in which N. wasn't invited, even though she is on the team. N. felt bad, but took it really well, even though the invitation stated, "Party from 12-7! Swim in our pool, lots of food, fun, etc. etc. etc." The other kids showed her the invitation, although none of the kids were mean about it--they assumed she got an invite too. In actuality, it was a "Last Day of School Party" although I'm not sure anyone was invited other than the softball team. P. also invited sixth graders on the team that she's not even friends with, and N's best friend whom P. had told recently, "I don't like you. You're annoying." She also told N's friend that, "Nobody else likes you."

    The next day two softball moms saw N. and both asked her why she wasn't at the pool party. She sounded embarrassed and mumbled that she wasn't invited, and they acted shocked because they thought it was a softball party. I think it was too, only they didn't call it one because then they'd have to invite N. (she would NOT have gone, but getting snubbed in front of all her friends and so blatantly bothered her). Even if it WAS a last day of school party, why hand the invitations out at this game? They could have mailed or e-mailed them. The man has everyone on the team's e-mail. Or she could have handed them out at school. You're not supposed to do that unless everyone is invited, but kids do it sometimes.

    N's best friend did not go to the party so N. had a fun day. Another mom said she didn't WANT her daughter to go because the family "acts like they don't care for me" but her daughter wanted to go, so she did. I'm not sure if I handled this right. Maybe I should have just let P. and N. battle it out, although it seems N. was always coming home in tears, not P. P's mom said, "Oh, P. never cries when she's upset." N. has been banned from P's lunch table at school and one or two kids have been snitty to her since she dropped out of P's orbit, but, in general, N. doesn't seem to care, and does not come home crying anymore. Do you think I gave her good advice about walking away from P? It seems like, in the process, I made a bad enemy who isn't going to mind doing things like this over and over again. My hub is going to try to grab the softball coach position next year as a lot of parents are dissatisfied with him (he doesn't let us know anything until about five minutes before the game--no exaggeration--then he is desperate for volunteers, umpires, etc. A few times he didn't even let us know when games were canceled). Anyways, a vent, I guess. Am I overly sensitive? How do you deal with people like this? She isn't going to be reasonable or talk about it. Thanks for reading this long thing.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Who knows what the right thing is. I do not think you are overly sensitive, though.

    My heart is going out to N right now, because I know exactly how she feels. Last summer, a girl who we will call B, came by with invitations for every kid in our little 2 building community...except Tink. And every kid ran to show Tink their pool party invite. My heart absolutely broke for her. I had her invite a friend over on that day and we went to Chucky Cheese instead, but she never got over feeling left out. To this day, when this "B" kid comes over, anyone who is playing with Tink suddenly has to go play with B. And no, they cannot all play together. B says so.

    Girls are so much tougher than boys when it comes to things like this.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like the mom and daughter are birds of a feather. Keep your daughter away from her. This is a goood time to teach your child important life lessons, being a good person, thinking for herself...and how she can get into alot of trouble just being there when bad things happen. -Alyssa
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I remember this family.
    I think you did the right thing.
    That mom is SO petty! She was probably a Queen Bee in school and hasn't changed a bit. (In fact, I would recommend that you read Queen Bees and Wannabees... your daughter is at the right age. It's all about peer pressure and snotty girls.)
    Your daughter is learning good lessons.
    Plus, you're getting people on your side, because they will see that you handled this calmly and maturely, rather than doing a lot of backstabbing. It won't take long b4 this girl finds herself with-a very small group of "friends" who are merely sheep who put up with-her.
  5. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Ah yes, been there done that. Matter of fact difficult child just graduated 8th grade, many partys, she wasn't invited to one. But she puts on a brave face and says, thats okay mom I really didn't want to go anyway. To much drama for me. But my mommy heart breaks for her. Thankfully she starts a new high school next year. In her middle school most of the kids go to a different high school than we hopefully with maturing over the summer, we pray things may get better.

    I am sorry for N. Give her a big hug for me. I am glad she had someone to hang out with.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is not like you forced your daughter into not being friends with her anymore. N decided on her own to lose P from her circle. It is OK. N will be better off without P for sure. Others will feel P's wrath through the next few years and N will be the smarter of all of them. They will wish they had the balls to do like N did.

    Good for N anyway for realizing someone was a poison in her life and taking steps to get it out of her immediate circle, without being mean herself. That is class!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks all. My hub (who is Assistant Coach) and our friends who have a daughter on the team are going to have an "official" softball team party, since the coach said the party at his house had nothing to do with the softball team ...and we're inviting ALL the families and having everyone bring a dish to pass and the big event will be a parent vs. kid softball game. Hub and I talked it over. Coach had written in an e-mail to all the parents that "due to the special circumstances" (I guess it means N.) "we decided not to have a party" (but his wife DID have SOME sort of non-birthday party that included all the girls except N.) "and if anyone else wants to throw one, go ahead." (Well, WE WILL!) And his daughter will be invited. I want to show N. that this is the right thing to do. I have to marvel at the e-mail though. If it wasn't a softball team party, then why were ONLY the softball players, minus N., invited? P. has other friends that don't play softball, and they sure weren't invited to THAT party, and the invites were flamboyantly handed out AT the game...oh, well. In the meantime, I think the girls will have a blast and N. will go to a softball team party, without excluding anyone.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Someone has to be the bigger person. Your difficult child will definitely learn something positive from this.

    Maybe, just maybe, P and her family might learn something too.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you have handled the situation very well. I think it's great that there will be a softball party and everyone will be invited. Hugs to N for having to endure all this. Shame on P's mom.
  10. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #3366FF"> well that apple didn't fall far from the tree did it.

    i strongly recommend the book Queen Bees & Wannabes for both you & your daughter. it's excellent!

    i think your plan for the team party is excellent. your daughter will learn more than you can imagine from this experience & you're thoughtful handling of it.

    is your daughter in middle school right now. i swear those three years are the three lower rings of h_ell. it often seems to get better in HS tho.....larger population to choose friends from seems to help a lot.

    </span> </span> </span>
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the help, all. Kris, N. is in "middle school." But she's only in FIFTH GRADE (sob). In our district, 1-4 is elementary and 5-12 is all in one building, with 5-8 called middle school. This is due to low numbers. She won't have a larger group of kids to chose from, however the kids, even when they fight, are sort of family-like close because they are all forced together not just in school, but in the community. Thanks for the encouragement about the party. We felt that we may as well throw a real one--husband is the Assistant Coach--and we have no desire to get back at P. or not invite her...she's a kid. She's a nasty she's a pre-teen kid! We just want the team to have fun and all have one last outing before softball breaks up until next year.
    I am not looking forward to the next three years ONE BIT because I already had a daughter go thru Middle School hell. A friend of mine who teaches in the 5-12 building tells me it does improve in high school. God, I hope so!
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    MM, this is soooooooo junior high. It brought me right back to when my easy child daughter was in sixth's awful when parents can't make it out of junior high, let alone their children. I think you have handled this well and taught your daughter to "take the high road". All that is going thru my mind is this mother is a "real snot". The coaching sounds at best haphazard and if your husband is willing to take it on what a perfect solution......

    Sending my best to your family and if anyone says I could have a million dolllars if I would just go back thru my kids and junior high, it would be a quick answer........NO WAY!