Same Song, New Verse

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Nov 12, 2015.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone --

    I haven't been on this forum in quite a while, but was just thinking of you all and wanted to drop a line....catch up with you all and catch you up with us all.

    Sadly, our son has gone back into his addiction (meth/heroin) and criminal activity surrounding it. Not sure what more to say about that. He's been MIA for 2+ months. Very minimal contact (only rare brief bits on Facebook private mssgs -- no calls, no visit, no other fill-in-the-blank). Yes, this does sadden us. I did tell him I missed his smile and he did reply back that he missed mine, too.

    Yes, it was very tough at first (you know....ripping off the scar hurts at first, then it heals over "somewhat".....enough to flex the skin and life around it again). But, after a couple of rough weeks, we did resurface and resume where we were before. Same boundaries in place. Same song, new verse.

    I firmly believe there is a positive to be found in every situation. May not a BIG one and maybe not a FAST one. But there is a positive in here. During our son's clean period (4-5 months), we saw new and unexpectedly clear growth. A good time! We know it can exist. If/when it comes again, we know what to build on and what is possible. And now, during this repeated relapse, there is a strange benefit in it......the fact that it's a REPEAT (a THREE-PEAT, actually, for our son), we know we the parents have the coping skills to handle it. In fact, just as our son goes into his "use" autopilot, we parents go into our "boundaries" autopilot. We know which ones work best for all -- we've been here before. We know this place. It may not be our favorite place, but we do know how to navigate it and even rise above it.

    I believe with all my heart that, even amid the crazy times, this universe is ultimately a benevolent positive one. So.......I'll see more of what I look for. After my meltdown (I did have one!), I choose, again, to see the positives first and foremost. They're really there......even when I have to dig for them. So, I dug hard for a couple of weeks. A HARD couple of weeks. But I was reminded how much good there is in our lives in love, family, friendships, adventures, learning, laughing. They're all still there.

    Lastly, told myself that while our son was clean, I would savor every minute of it knowing it may not last. It did not. But I DID savor it. And I still do. May sound hokey, but I feel this continually refreshing in bold new ways this sentiment...

    "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Nothing like living a sentiment to embed it deep into one's bones. I know you all can relate.

    Will our son return to us clean one day for a length of time? Perhaps. Hope so.
    Will our son never return to us clean for any length of time? Perhaps. Hope not.

    But either way, I am grateful for the genuine moments (even if fleeting....actually, ESPECIALLY if fleeting) we have shared.

    Thanks for listening. :) I hope you're all well!

    PS -- Hey, new site format since I've been here. Very nice! To whomever did it....nice job!
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  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi HLM,

    Sorry to hear that your son has gone back to his addictions, but I'm glad you are handling it well.

    It really is a blessing that you had your son back for a while, clean and sober. Not everyone gets that.

    Its one of those tears of joy/tears of sadness moments.

    Its good to hear from you. Please come around more often!

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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Headlights, I love your post. I love how you are dealing with this. The honesty, the transparency, your ability to see good. This is the stuff of recovery.

    Two good things I see as well: This is another relapse----a very real and necessary part of recovery. It is one step closer to a final rock bottom, we hope and pray.

    A second good thing: he is 25. There is a school of thought that many of our young men start to come around about 25, 26, 27, 28. I know there are many who don't. But brain maturity (such as it is when a person is on drugs) is still happening.

    I am hoping and praying that the growth you saw during his period of sobriety will resurface and he will get back up and move forward again.

    You are true Warrior and Wise Mom with much to teach others.

    Thank you for posting. Please stay with us here. We are pulling for you and for him.
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  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello HLMom, thank you for sharing your journey, I am so sorry for all you have been through, a three-peat, that is tough. But it is a sign of trying hard, at least.
    I do not have a one-peat, yet....
    Hopefully, the next try will be the best one.
    I would write more, but have to get ready for work.
    Just wanted to check in and thank you for sharing
    and give you some
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi HLM, Well, I'm sorry to hear about the relapse. You are handling it extremely well.

    I love how you chose to savor those precious moments. Sometime when we deal with our d-c's all we can see is the bad stuff. To be able to see the good stuff is a clear demonstration of what detaching with love looks like.

    Thank you so much for sharing with us.

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  6. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    AppleCori -- You're right -- not everyone does get that chance for a period of sobriety with their loved one. Thanks for the reminder of gratitude!

    CoM --- I've heard that about the mid-20's, too, as an age of maturation. Hope so! Thanks so much for your kind comments and support!

    New Leaf -- Hey, I'd never thought of that. A THREE-peat is indeed a sign of trying hard! Thanks! I'd never thought of it that way, but that's sure true. Great insight!

    Tanya M -- Thank you so much. Sometimes I/we have to dig deep during our pain to remember the precious moments. Some days I'm better at that than others. Every day is a chance to learn a little bit more. :)

    Again, thank you all for your kindnesses. And I wish you a pleasant day with your loved ones!
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