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Saying goodbye to difficult child today
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 633420" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>It may help to remember that nothing is forever till we stop breathing. Things change. Not always to the direction we would like, but they do change. And as it is said around my neck of woods, life carries us. Things has tendency to find their way to get into an order. Not the order we have planned, but in the order nonetheless.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is in the place she is right now. Most likely she will be in different place five or ten years from now. Better or worse, difficult to say, but different. So will your relationship.</p><p></p><p>Light a candle, say a prayer, write her a letter where you say everything you want to say to her every week (and don't send them) keep the connection with her up at least in your head if it helps even if you can't connect to her in real. I'm mostly in good terms with my son right now, he is even welcome to live at home temporarily (though it is much easier when he is not here, he just left couple weeks ago after staying here few months) and we do keep touch regularly, even when he was not talking to us for a month or two last winter after suicide attempt and not liking me 'making such a big thing out of it' (I dared to suggest him he should talk to his psychiatrist or therapist about it) he did make me a regular call, just didn't talk. Still at times I need to keep up my side of connection to him without actually connecting him. I do write to him into my diary. I take care of his apple tree (one that we put into our garden in his christening day) , I put things aside for him (he may get them or not some day), I keep his drawings and favourite toys from childhood, I make sure his inheritance from my grandparents stays intact and is wisely invested and so on. One day he may be happy about some of it, or maybe not, but for most I do it for me. He does what he does, but he can not take away my right to do things I want to do for my child for also him. I take it my job and also my right to preserve things for him even though he is not inclined to appreciate it now due to both his age and him being a difficult child. He gets to decide what kind of son he is, but he doesn't get to dictate what kind of mother I am.</p><p></p><p>Just because you have to ask her leave doesn't mean you will not continue to be her mother. Your mothering would change anyway because she is now adult, and because her issues it may change to different kind of mothering than what you anticipated or what has happened to your friends, but it is just different, not gone. And as I said, things are likely to change to different kind of different again. Till that breathe. My difficult child's sport psychiatric keeps saying for my son that at the toughest moments only must is to breathe with some regularity, everything else is optional. I try to keep that in mind at the darkest moments too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 633420, member: 14557"] It may help to remember that nothing is forever till we stop breathing. Things change. Not always to the direction we would like, but they do change. And as it is said around my neck of woods, life carries us. Things has tendency to find their way to get into an order. Not the order we have planned, but in the order nonetheless. Your daughter is in the place she is right now. Most likely she will be in different place five or ten years from now. Better or worse, difficult to say, but different. So will your relationship. Light a candle, say a prayer, write her a letter where you say everything you want to say to her every week (and don't send them) keep the connection with her up at least in your head if it helps even if you can't connect to her in real. I'm mostly in good terms with my son right now, he is even welcome to live at home temporarily (though it is much easier when he is not here, he just left couple weeks ago after staying here few months) and we do keep touch regularly, even when he was not talking to us for a month or two last winter after suicide attempt and not liking me 'making such a big thing out of it' (I dared to suggest him he should talk to his psychiatrist or therapist about it) he did make me a regular call, just didn't talk. Still at times I need to keep up my side of connection to him without actually connecting him. I do write to him into my diary. I take care of his apple tree (one that we put into our garden in his christening day) , I put things aside for him (he may get them or not some day), I keep his drawings and favourite toys from childhood, I make sure his inheritance from my grandparents stays intact and is wisely invested and so on. One day he may be happy about some of it, or maybe not, but for most I do it for me. He does what he does, but he can not take away my right to do things I want to do for my child for also him. I take it my job and also my right to preserve things for him even though he is not inclined to appreciate it now due to both his age and him being a difficult child. He gets to decide what kind of son he is, but he doesn't get to dictate what kind of mother I am. Just because you have to ask her leave doesn't mean you will not continue to be her mother. Your mothering would change anyway because she is now adult, and because her issues it may change to different kind of mothering than what you anticipated or what has happened to your friends, but it is just different, not gone. And as I said, things are likely to change to different kind of different again. Till that breathe. My difficult child's sport psychiatric keeps saying for my son that at the toughest moments only must is to breathe with some regularity, everything else is optional. I try to keep that in mind at the darkest moments too. [/QUOTE]
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