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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 603759" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>AL, your sorrow about the relationship with your son is about you, not him. He is choosing his life, he has made his choices, the hard part is you have to live with them and you want more then he is presently willing to give. if I were in your shoes I would seek counseling for myself, so I could find ways to let go of the grief and sadness of what you don't/can't have and learn to concentrate on what you do have. You can't control your son nor his choices. You can control your responses and your own life.</p><p></p><p>It's commendable that you paid for your sons wedding and honeymoon, I presume you did that out of your love for your son. Of course it counts for something, but what is your expectation? Because you paid for his nuptials, he owes you something? If you gave that freely, then he doesn't owe you anything. </p><p></p><p>Apparently, for whatever reason, you can't have the relationship you want with your son. You can't change that fact now. All you can do is focus on yourself, move through this sorrow and angst and disappointment about something you can't change and enjoy your own life. There is nothing you can do to fix this if your son isn't willing to fix it. I agree with helpangel, find things that make you happy and go do them. Little by little change the focus off of your son and place it onto yourself. You will be much happier if you do that. Otherwise you'll stay stuck in this vicious cycle you are perpetuating yourself.</p><p></p><p>I also agree that you should not visit your son and drive 700 miles unless you are invited. Let him come to his own realizations without you, or maybe he won't but in any case, find ways to live your own life and let go. It's really hard to let go of our adult kids and accept them for who they are, including not having much to do with us, but it is what it is and your acceptance of it will offer you peace of mind. I'm sorry you're hurting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 603759, member: 13542"] AL, your sorrow about the relationship with your son is about you, not him. He is choosing his life, he has made his choices, the hard part is you have to live with them and you want more then he is presently willing to give. if I were in your shoes I would seek counseling for myself, so I could find ways to let go of the grief and sadness of what you don't/can't have and learn to concentrate on what you do have. You can't control your son nor his choices. You can control your responses and your own life. It's commendable that you paid for your sons wedding and honeymoon, I presume you did that out of your love for your son. Of course it counts for something, but what is your expectation? Because you paid for his nuptials, he owes you something? If you gave that freely, then he doesn't owe you anything. Apparently, for whatever reason, you can't have the relationship you want with your son. You can't change that fact now. All you can do is focus on yourself, move through this sorrow and angst and disappointment about something you can't change and enjoy your own life. There is nothing you can do to fix this if your son isn't willing to fix it. I agree with helpangel, find things that make you happy and go do them. Little by little change the focus off of your son and place it onto yourself. You will be much happier if you do that. Otherwise you'll stay stuck in this vicious cycle you are perpetuating yourself. I also agree that you should not visit your son and drive 700 miles unless you are invited. Let him come to his own realizations without you, or maybe he won't but in any case, find ways to live your own life and let go. It's really hard to let go of our adult kids and accept them for who they are, including not having much to do with us, but it is what it is and your acceptance of it will offer you peace of mind. I'm sorry you're hurting. [/QUOTE]
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