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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 696083" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi RB, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. It has been a long haul for you folks and your son. Same here. It is so very tiring for us. Sigh.</p><p> This had happened to us too. Open up our home in hopes that it will be a transition to a step up. It was not. Every. Single. Time. For some reason, our two just don't take the opportunity to launch from our home. So, I have learned to say no. They don't like it, but I just can't take one more time of the same ole, same ole.</p><p> I am sorry for this, RB, it hurts when the situation breaks down to this, disrespected by our adult children, in our homes. You did the right thing in having him leave. Unacceptable behavior. Our homes should be our sanctuaries and respected as such.</p><p> Yup, this I have experienced. One exception,<em> I am supposed to help, </em>in their book........and oh, how we tried, and each and every time were completely and utterly taken advantage of, stolen from, rules and boundaries crossed, the list is endless. It wasn't really help they wanted after all, just a place to be and continue <em>as is</em>. <em>As is</em> brought chaos and havoc into my home. Can't and won't do it.</p><p>Dear one, this is a long hard journey we are all on. We have such hopes and dreams for our kids. When they deviate from the path we envisioned it takes such a toll on us. I am sorry for your heartache.</p><p>One thing that helped me tremendously was a video from Viktor Frankl.</p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]fD1512_XJEw[/MEDIA]</p><p>So, as I gave my two back to God, or a higher power.......(they were only on loan to me any ways) I have to become an idealist to calm my heart. They have a meaning and purpose, and they are seeking to find it. Maybe not the way <em>I had envisioned,</em> but there it is. The fact that every time I stepped in to help, <em>didn't really help</em>, keeps me grounded and determined not to go that route again. Reality. My d cs do not launch from my home, they stagnate. The stagnation and consequences of their choices infiltrate the peace of my home, my heart. I am not equipped to deal with the issues they have. There is help out there for them, true help, if they choose it, above and beyond what I could ever do for them. When I have stepped in to help, it just served to prolong the process, prevent growth and learning. This reality has helped me cross over from the desperate feelings, and entering the crazy making cycle of madness. My helping hasn't helped. Anybody. Especially me.</p><p>You matter RB.</p><p>I feel that if we take steps to overcome our heartache and start to change our focus to<em> living well again</em>, we do the best thing for our beloveds. We are<em> showing them by example</em> that there is a way up and out of the pit, the despair, the struggle.</p><p> Most certainly, we have been harpooned and drug down to the depths along with them. It does not help them one bit if we stay in the pit.</p><p>Keep posting and seeking help and advice for YOU! We all have absolutely no control over what our adult children choose. But, we do have a certain amount of control over ourselves, and our reactions and emotions to the circumstances of our d cs lives.</p><p>This takes work and effort to change our mindset. Build a toolbox of books, videos, music and inspiration to help you deal with the journey.</p><p>Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. CD is the journal that talks back. There are so many folks here who are traveling this path, who understand. None of us are experts, just parents like you who know the pain of this. We all have to do what we need to do, to look ourselves honestly in the mirror. What you decide is up to you. Just know that you are not alone.</p><p>Be very kind to yourself and do something for you. </p><p><em>You matter</em>.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 696083, member: 19522"] Hi RB, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. It has been a long haul for you folks and your son. Same here. It is so very tiring for us. Sigh. This had happened to us too. Open up our home in hopes that it will be a transition to a step up. It was not. Every. Single. Time. For some reason, our two just don't take the opportunity to launch from our home. So, I have learned to say no. They don't like it, but I just can't take one more time of the same ole, same ole. I am sorry for this, RB, it hurts when the situation breaks down to this, disrespected by our adult children, in our homes. You did the right thing in having him leave. Unacceptable behavior. Our homes should be our sanctuaries and respected as such. Yup, this I have experienced. One exception,[I] I am supposed to help, [/I]in their book........and oh, how we tried, and each and every time were completely and utterly taken advantage of, stolen from, rules and boundaries crossed, the list is endless. It wasn't really help they wanted after all, just a place to be and continue [I]as is[/I]. [I]As is[/I] brought chaos and havoc into my home. Can't and won't do it. Dear one, this is a long hard journey we are all on. We have such hopes and dreams for our kids. When they deviate from the path we envisioned it takes such a toll on us. I am sorry for your heartache. One thing that helped me tremendously was a video from Viktor Frankl. [MEDIA=youtube]fD1512_XJEw[/MEDIA] So, as I gave my two back to God, or a higher power.......(they were only on loan to me any ways) I have to become an idealist to calm my heart. They have a meaning and purpose, and they are seeking to find it. Maybe not the way [I]I had envisioned,[/I] but there it is. The fact that every time I stepped in to help, [I]didn't really help[/I], keeps me grounded and determined not to go that route again. Reality. My d cs do not launch from my home, they stagnate. The stagnation and consequences of their choices infiltrate the peace of my home, my heart. I am not equipped to deal with the issues they have. There is help out there for them, true help, if they choose it, above and beyond what I could ever do for them. When I have stepped in to help, it just served to prolong the process, prevent growth and learning. This reality has helped me cross over from the desperate feelings, and entering the crazy making cycle of madness. My helping hasn't helped. Anybody. Especially me. You matter RB. I feel that if we take steps to overcome our heartache and start to change our focus to[I] living well again[/I], we do the best thing for our beloveds. We are[I] showing them by example[/I] that there is a way up and out of the pit, the despair, the struggle. Most certainly, we have been harpooned and drug down to the depths along with them. It does not help them one bit if we stay in the pit. Keep posting and seeking help and advice for YOU! We all have absolutely no control over what our adult children choose. But, we do have a certain amount of control over ourselves, and our reactions and emotions to the circumstances of our d cs lives. This takes work and effort to change our mindset. Build a toolbox of books, videos, music and inspiration to help you deal with the journey. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. CD is the journal that talks back. There are so many folks here who are traveling this path, who understand. None of us are experts, just parents like you who know the pain of this. We all have to do what we need to do, to look ourselves honestly in the mirror. What you decide is up to you. Just know that you are not alone. Be very kind to yourself and do something for you. [I]You matter[/I]. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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