Scared and frustrated

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by MommaR, Aug 2, 2015.

  1. MommaR

    MommaR New Member

    Hello all. I have been reading your posts and would like to share my story.
    Like you all I have the most amazing son. He is bright, family-oriented, and precious. Until.....drugs entered his life. He is the younger of my two sons and shy (which is odd as he has always been my daredevil from birth) while his older brother is very extroverted and athletic. Difficult Child had always been friends with his older brother's friends. We did not realize until my oldest son left for college that Difficult Child truly did not know how to be social. He says he felt completely alone.

    I am truly not sure when it began, the drug use that is. When he was starting his second semester of his junior year in high school ( the second half of the year after his older brother was away at college) my husband and I received a call from the police. He had been arrested at school for smoking pot in the parking lot during lunch. What!!!! It was considered a Class C misdemeanor since the incident was within 300 feet of the school. We were stunned! He was in the top 15% of his class with excellent grades and no conduct issues. When did this start? He was taken to juvenile detention. My husband and I talked and decided we were going to try to scare him, so instead of picking him up we allowed him to remain overnight. Talk about the longest night of our lives! We had no sleep and shed lots of tears. I know the staff there were just as ready to have him leave as I called just about every hour to check on him. He was my baby for God's sake. Of course he was scared and angry at us for not coming to get him right away. He was forced to go to an alternative school for 30 days as punishment, mandatory drug testing, serve community service, attend group counseling and 3 month probation for deferment of his sentence. After discussing and pleading with the probation officers we were able to get his probation raised to 6 months (which we thought would keep him clean and under control even longer to fight this). I would have preferred even longer, but they refused as he was extremely compliant through all this. After talking to his school counselors, teachers and him we discovered that he was bored at school. Thinking this may have been part of the problem we agreed to allow him to attend an accelerated program. He completed both his remaining junior year and senior year of high school in three months. He graduated 3rd in his class and was accepted to the University of Texas. We were thrilled! Since he completed high school so quickly he missed the deadlines for college entrance for fall, so he had to sit out until the Spring 2015 semester. During this time he got an internship at our local university and worked. I thought he was back on track! Boy was I wrong!

    During the fall of 2014 while home awaiting college entrance he met some kids who he now refers to as "family." I can't and don't blame others for his actions, but I know their influence is strong. He was still 17 at this point. He also found a girlfriend. Up to this point he had not had either of his own (at least that we knew about). I kept thinking when he leaves for college he will love college so start. He left for college doubting and questioning going. This is somewhat normal as he has always been my homebody. After a few weeks he wanted to come for the weekend. Okay, fine, except we did not see him at all! These frequent home visits continued about every two weeks like clockwork. I thought it was the "girlfriend." At this point there was enough about her we did not like, but again trying not to be judgmental. He was being secretive about everything. During one of his visits home I received another call from police. He was caught smoking pot again. They only charged him with possession. Judge deferred it three months being conviction free. I wanted a harsher punishment, but no. Being in college parents can not find out about their grades unless the student signs a release. Of course he refused. Rather than arguing we told him if he did not maintain a B average (as this was very easy to do for him) then he would have to get student loans to continue. I was suspicious this whole time. Finally the week of his finals he tells us he needed to drop a class that he could not pass. He ended up with a 2.0! Are you kidding me!?! At first we chalked it up to youth and new chapter in life. During this time he turned 18. This summer he decided to take a class at out local university which was a prerequisite course for one he already registered for for fall 2015. Short of it, he went to about 8 days of class and no more. Behaviors worsened, he refused to get a job, and decided he did not want to attend college anymore. We started smelling pot in our house. I would go through his room and find paraphernalia and marijuana, throw it away and threaten to call police and kick him out. Things would be great for a while, but eventually it would start all over again. It got really bad at one point and we asked him to choose to follow the house rules or leave. He chose to leave. This lasted about a week.

    As I am writing this I can see how we messed up and enabled, but in the heat of it all I lost sight of this. My emotions take control, and I see him as the small boy who loved his momma. It is SO HARD!

    There is so much more to tell, but I will get to recent events. Finally to date....we received a call last Wednesday (July 29, 2015) from the police department. Difficult Child had been arrested in a raid for tampering with physical evidence. It was brought to our attention that he had been dealing drugs as well as using them. It was now felonies!

    Difficult Child claims we do not understand. He states the drug culture is his life now, and these so-called friends are his family. He says he loves us, but the life I brought him into is a joke. God created the plants and they should be used. He said he feels that he is helping others by dealing good wholesome drugs as well as using them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Where did my sweet innocent child go? This is killing me, my family, my soul! HELP ME PLEASE. As you all know we cannot (and he refuses) drug rehab as he feels he does not have a problem. It is society's issue not his, according to him. There is more to the story that I cannot discuss, but I am terrified!
    Lasted edited by : Aug 3, 2015
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. You are not alone. Many of us are dealing with kids who are using drugs.
    He is disrespecting your home and you. He is 18 and can live on his own with his druggie friends. I know it hurts more than any physical pain you can experience. I am sorry you are going through this.

    If XXXX is his real name, please change it. This is a public forum and anyone can see it.
    Lasted edited by : Aug 3, 2015
  3. MommaR

    MommaR New Member

    Thank you. How do I change it?
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You posted long enough ago that you won't be able to directly edit it. You can send a private message to the site administrator by starting a conversation with "runawaybunny". Ask her to change the name to some other term you want to use to reference your child.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. I have heard the same old story about plants are natural, that I just dont approve of his "life style" blah blah blah. All justifications and pure baloney but is what they tell themselves.

    So first of all find ways to take care of yourselves. It is heart breaking as a parent to be in this position and you need support for you to get through this and to find ways to live your lives. So therapy can help. Support groups for parents can help. We found an alanon group for parents that has been a lfe saver for me.... I have been going the last 5 years. The focus in alanon is on you not the addict and it can help to have a place where you can think about what you need.

    Second and this is really hard, you cannot control this situation. You can not make him stop using as much as you want to. As much as you are willing to do anything to do so. However you can set some clear boundaries and limits. You dont have to have drugs in your home. You dont have to let him drive your car if you know he is using and you certainly dont need to give him money. You also do not need to pay for a lawyer and if he is over 18 you dont need to let him live in your house.
    You do not need to take any abuse form him (although so far it doesnt sound like he has been abusive to you, but abusive behaviors often do come with drug use).

    You can let him know you love him. You can let him know if he wants help you are there to help him.

    And then to some extent you do a lot of hoping and waiting to see what will happen.

    One of the things I learned in alanon is the 3 Cs you didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. That all has to come from hm.

    My son is now almost 24, He has been in a lot of rehabs and programs either because the court ordered it, or we made it such that he didnt have anywhere else to go. They did give him some clean time along the way but he always relapsed in a big way. He now for the first time is in rehab because he personally got to a place where he chose it.... and I am seeing a difference in how he is reacting. There is hope.... but it is a tough journey.
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry.
    I agree with PASA. He is old enough to make this choice and you can do nothing to change it.
    My son is this way.The more I speak, the more he disrespects me and thinks I am out of touch with reality.

    There are several things to be grateful for here (leaving aside the elephant in the living room you have not told us about.)

    First, your son is super smart. Second, he is competent and capable. He is a self-starter and he does have confidence in himself and his judgment.

    Now, of course he can still be stupid and lack judgment. He has proven that, already.

    I can imagine the shock and horror of this all for you.

    I would give yourself time to recuperate.

    Under no circumstances (except if he was facing a very long sentence such as life) would I get an attorney.

    From what I have seen in life, he is likely to use any get out of jail card, to pursue the exact same stupidity, as before. He has already told you what his choice is, what are his priorities, his friends, and his lifestyle. Be warned.

    No solution will come from anybody but him. This must work itself out. Until he sees the error of his ways...(his friends abandon him, etc.) or he matures, nothing, not one thing, you can do will change any of this.

    None of this is your fault. None of it.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you. I cannot imagine the pain of believing you dodged a bullet and then to see the blood streaming out of you. That is exactly what it is.

    You had believed your son was on the path to maturity, to excellence, and he was falling. Worse than that. He decided and set about to create and expedite a path that could destroy him. You awoke to a nightmare, not a dream.

    Please keep posting. I am glad you are here with us. Please find it within yourselves to take care of you.

    All of us here, are as if mortally wounded. We deserve care. You will get it here. You deserve it.
  7. SuperG

    SuperG New Member

    MommaR I just want to give you a virtual hug. This is a great place to be for support.
  8. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I'm not the person to be giving you advice by any means because I come here for advice myself. I can tell you that I have heard the exact same things from my son that marjuana is a natural plant made by God that it should be legal and even told that I should use it myself, I have also been told that the trash my son hangs out with including his girlfriend are his family. I know how much you hurt. You are not alone and although I don't post much here , this site helps me so much. It will help you too.
  9. Sam3

    Sam3 New Member

    Us too. We heard and continue to hear that we are not his family, and that his friends are the only thing he cares about, and that pot is not addictive and he can get his medical marijuana license when he turns 18 . . . blah, blah, blah. It's heartbreaking. I feel for you and I'm sorry.
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    With states legalizing pot, now, it makes it that much harder for parents.

    Just wanted to say hi and welcome.

    Is your son still living at home?
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi MommaR and welcome to the SA forum. I edited your post and changed your son's name to Difficult Child (you can just type the D and C together and the site changes it to Difficult Child). Or, many posters use a fictitious name or nickname when referring to their loved one.

    Please keep posting. You will find incredible support and understanding here.

    Last edited: Aug 3, 2015
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi MommaR and welcome to our board. Boy your son sounds so much like my daughter was at that age. It will be a bumpy road. Wee could not stop our daughter from using pot. She had to get suspended from college, get into legal trouble numerous times, lose jobs, friends and family, live with drug friends and get arrested for shoplifting before she finally decided it wasn't worth it. Nothing we did made a difference until she had had enough.

    Your son is very bright, what is so sad is that he is throwing away so many opportunities. The dealing of pot, in my opinion, is much more troubling than the using. Does he have a lawyer?
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    MommaR, your story sounds so much like ours, other than the fact that I only have the one and he never actually got caught. We ended up putting him out for stealing from us. :( I am so sorry you are going through this but you have found a good place to get advice. You are not alone.
  14. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    I can relate to so much of what you said. I suppose we all can. Please know you're not alone! Do you attend alanon? If not, that would be my recommendation. Find a group you like and go learn how to take care of yourself through this long, awful journey. Huge hugs!
  15. MommaR

    MommaR New Member

    Thank you all SO much! I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I am reeling over all this, and trying to research and contact any and all advice and help. My sister decided it best to get me out of town for a few days as this was all weighing on me. My husband of 21 years and I are are on the brink of divorce, and I needed to unplug. I left town on Sunday to allow my husband to deal with our son in my absence. Unfortunately I felt like my husband was minimizing the issues, or at least not reacting the way I thought he should. While I was gone, he obtained an attorney for our son. Again, as you all stated my son was "saved" . My husband and son did spend some quality father/son time together, which was great, but nothing changed. Of course my husband was reporting all the positive things happening. I was actually excited that things may be turning around, but my subconscious knew better. When I returned my son was no different....high again and absent from our home. After a huge argument and separate sleeping quarters last night I decided I needed to concentrate on me. I found a Narcotics support group locally. Unfortunately they do not meet until Monday night. I began seeking employment and apartments in another city to prepare myself for what seemed inevitable. God was listening to all this and blessed me this morning. My son finally showed back to our house at 10AM. My husband began a conversation that united us again. We once again had the same lecture/conversation with our son, but this time my husband accepted no excuses. Our son was once again given a choice to continue his current path or accept help. He chose drugs. In fact, he stated drugs would always remain in his life. He states he doesn't feel he was ever truly happy until he found drugs. WOW! I am formerly a social worker and have seen kids deal with deplorable situations. This was never our lifestyle! In fact, the child never wanted for anything. He was a polite, handsome, smart child. We went on family vacations, attended every function without fail, involved in education and social life, provided a nice home, etc.

    As a result of this conversation we took away his car. We told him we were never going to kick him out, but if he chose to continue to use drugs then he was choosing to live elsewhere. He packed two suitcases of clothes, computer, TV, game system, etc. He asked if I would take him to the "friends" I have grown to despise. As I was driving him there crying I told him he was ripping out my heart and soul. He apologized as always and told me he loved me. He also said he thinks this is a good thing and "it'll all work out." He said this will give him the chance to prove us wrong...that he can live this lifestyle successfully. I felt like I couldn't breathe as I drove away leaving my baby there.

    Since then we made an appointment to have his car detailed to prepare it to be sold. We also placed a call to his attorney explaining that our son was now responsible for the remaining half of his retainer, which is $2500.00. Our older son returns home Sunday from studying abroad, and knows nothing of all that has occurred since he left in May. We are debating on what to tell him.

    I really appreciate all your advice, comments and support!
  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He made his choice.
  17. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Im going thru this too with my 23 year old son. Problem is, I have no family. My so called friends only call me when they need me, when I need them they are too busy. This forum and people on here going thru the same thing have given me words of comfort. We are sad parents who have been dealt a bad hand. But we are all hear for each other...I wish we all lived in the same city and could all meet in person.
  18. MommaR

    MommaR New Member

    Hugs to you SeaGenie. I am so sorry for your loss! Perhaps someday we can meet in person. We are put on this Earth for relationships. I will pray for you and your son. Here when you need.
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You have made so much progress:
    I know this sounds crazy, but there is unity in the family:
    Okay, he made the wrong choice, but maybe for the right reason.
    Maybe he is trying to emancipate, to grow up, and he picked the wrong horse on which to ride out of town. He just wants to make sure it is not the same horse you bet on it. He sounds like a good young man who is just awfully stupid right about now.

    You did everything right. I am glad you and your husband gave each other another chance.

    Doing like you are doing is giving your son the very best chance to work this through. Great job. Keep posting.
  20. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Thank u MommaR. I am trying to find an Al Anon Support group in my area. I really need to attend these and talk about my son and my late brother who died of alcoholism. Gotta get a handle on feelings of shame, embarassment and and guilt.
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