Scared: New Baby Arriving in April 2011

[joneshockey]

Most of you already know that I am pregenant and expecting my 3rd child in April of 2011. Well, I am having a terrible time with how my husband is handling the news... I know at first it was quite a shock to everyone (including me), but now that I am 4 1/2 months along I have accepted the impending arrival of this new baby and am increasingly more and more excited everyday about it... Unfortunately, my husband is not. He keeps bringing up the possiblility of adoption - at first he would opening make comment here and there about giving the baby up (which I immediately blantently refuse to consider) and NOW he has been looking up information on the internet about adoption and leaving the information up on the screen when he is done using the computer (I am not sure if it is intentional or an accident)... I am VERY upset about this, but do not know how to approach him on this situation - the last time we talked about it I got hysterical and extremely upset. I lOVE this baby and would NEVER give it up and I just don't understand why he would want to give this baby up. I know that our finances are tight, and having a new baby will put more of a finincal strain on us, but this new life is part of both of us. FF1 has also made comments in the past about not being around anymore once this new baby arrives, so THIS even scares me more - I have a feeling that he really MAY leave me if we keep this baby. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

 

[SRL]

Family counseling. Seriously. A bipolar dad working two jobs to make ends meet, with two young children already who have some special needs, plus another unexpectedly on the way would be enough strain to challenge most men. I'd be devestated too thinking about a partner who was pushing to adopt out a child, but he's not in the same place you are. Get help.

 

[Shari]

Ditto what SRL said. I know it seems harsh to you to threaten to leave once the baby arrives, but my gut tells me he is trying to tell you that he is at the threshhold of what he is capable of dealing with. In my particular situation, I can empathize with that.
I would like to say, also, that everyone who helps to create an unwanted pregnancy should just svck it up and step up and do what needs to be done for the life of the child they created. I also realize that's a bunch of phoo-hockey. There's more to it than "svck it up"; its not that simple.
But that's not even the root of it...you guys need help getting to the same place about this.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with family counseling. However, I can understand just how upset you are. I would be livid if my partner kept trying to force adoption on me after we already had two kids. I dont think I could live with that. It certainly would change my feelings toward him.

 

[joneshockey]

Thanks for the advice... I haven't mentioned it yet to him nor do I want to. I am VERY afraid and don't feel like I am ready to deal with the drama of it all. Maybe next week when I am off of work and do not have to think about anything but our family... I do however agree that counciling might be a good place to start - "IF" I could get him to agree to it! When B2 goes for his therapist next week I will ask him for a referral or he MAY want to see us himself. I have mentioned the difficulties between us previously during some of B2's sessions (since the annoucement of the baby) and he has offered to do family counciling in the past, so we will see.

I am very broken hearted that he already does not seem to accept this new child and I am fearful of what life may be like for him/her if he doesn't get this straightened out before the birth. If anyone else can give me any pointers, just let me know.

 

[Hound dog]

Family counseling is going to be a must. Whether he goes to counseling or not.........if it were me, I'd be making plans for if husband doesn't stick around so there would be no rug yanked out from under me at the last minute.

While I can understand your husband feeling mighty overwhelmed right now, and I truly can understand it, please........the man knows by now where babies come from and he was certainly part of the process. Yes, it was an unplanned surprise, but get over it already. Life happens.

I would have major issues with a man who couldn't seem to accept that I wanted and loved my child and was looking into other options. I'm with Janet......my feelings would so change for this person.

Congrats on the new baby! And big ((((hugs)))) for husband giving you an emotional roller coaster ride you just don't need right now.

 

[joneshockey]

Hound Dog -
I totally agree that my feelings towards him are starting to change - I love him (we have been together for 15 years - married for 10), but I kind of feel like I die inside just a little bit everytime he rejects our new baby. I know that it takes men a longer time to bond with a future child, since they don't carry him/her inside them, but he never acted like this with either of our other two. I am trying to be as understanding as I can, but will it be enough? As for me making alternative plans in case he leaves - I know I have a place to go (my parents door is always open), I plan on taking the rest of the school year off, but if I have to I will return to work after 6 weeks. I don't think that my husband realizes how much child support he may have to pay if he leaves us... As for the rest, it will all have to work out one way or the other.

 

[nvts]

I've got to tell you that I've just gone through this whole thing. Evie had the most support from this board. From the day I told everyone that I was pregnant to today, these are her Aunties. husband (whom I fondly refer to as AH now) did not go on one prenatal visit, look at one sonogram, ask a single question and retreated into his own world.

I kicked him to the curb this past Easter. The neglect toward ALL of our children got to be overwhelming and was causing more damage to them on a daily basis.

Trust me, I'm not advocating walking out, but I'm very concerned that you used the words "I am VERY afraid". Are you safe? Make sure that you're comfortable and not in a dangerous situation!

Beth

 

[joneshockey]

I feel that I am safe here - I just don't feel like dealing with ALL the emotion involved with confronting him about this now... As you know, being pregnant comes with the added bouts of crying, etc. FF1 would never hurt me or the kids physically or verbally (maybe just me mentally at times). I guess when I say VERY afraid, I just mean that I won't like or agree with what he is going to say and that it will make me upset when I am trying to destress my life as much as possible. I am worried about when this one comes that he will totally ignore it and not want to be a part of its life... I guess that is one of my biggest fears - I WILL NOT be able to tolerate that.

 

[DammitJanet]

I feel badly for you. This should be a happy time. Maybe he is just needing to get his feet under him. Who knows, maybe someone at work asked him to look something up and he forgot to close the page. I know I know, Im pipe dreaming...lol.

Maybe it will be a little girl who will steal his heart the minute he lays eyes on her.

 

[joneshockey]

I can only hope that his heart will melt (if it turns out to be a little girl) when it arrives... I think that things MAY turn out better if it is a girl, just because there MAY be a better chance of him wanting to accept this child, but this is only a guess on my part. We should be able to find out on November 30 what the baby is, as long as he/she cooperates - I am still not quiet sure if he is going to attend the ultrasound with me or not. I let him know when it was and he really didnt express interest in it... I just basically told him he would need to meet me there right after work. So I will just have to keep my fingers crossed that everything works out.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I'm sorry that he is unable right now to share in your joy at the prospect of a new bundle of love. I hope that his heart opens soon to the idea of a new blessing. I am sorry you are doing this kind of on your own right now and I do hope he shows up for your appointments etc. (((hugs)))

My ex, easy child's father, had 3 kids from a marriage before I met him. He never told me he didn't want more children, but we were not at all planning to have kids when suddenly there we were, me pregnant. I clearly remember telling him. He minced no words, told me he absolutely wanted NO MORE children. He told me that he couldn't stop me having easy child, but he would resent this child always and that he'd pay support but otherwise I'd be on my own raising her. I fully expected him to hold firm to that, he was pretty convincing when he told me that and quietly walked out the front door.
He wept the moment she was born. He was first to hold her. And although he and I didn't make a relationship last beyond her newborn first few months, she is the apple of his eye so to speak. She is now 11 years old, and he is remarried. He had a vasectomy when easy child was a week old. His 3 children from his first marriage are into their very late teens and early twenties. And he had a reversal a couple years back and he and his wife are trying very hard to have a child (Would be his wife's first child).
I will hope for you that your husbands heart will open. Meanwhile, congratulations on your pregnancy. Children are a gift and a beautiful new baby is coming. That is a wonderful thing!

 

[TerryJ2]

Just sending lots of hugs and support.

 

[JJJ]

Just thinking of you today...I hope husband is coming around.

 

[witzend]

If he won't go, go without him.

 

[crazymama30]

I agree with witz, if he does not want to go, go without him.

I have to ask, is he taking medications for his BiPolar (BP) and do you feel his BiPolar (BP) is stable?

 

[susiestar]

I truly hope that you and he can work with a therapist to get through this. in my opinion with-o some counselling you and he simply will not be able to overcome this, regardless of whether his heart melts when he sees his newborn child or not. I know I would have been so hurt and traumatized by a spouse who pushed me to give up my child (esp after we already had 2 children together) that my feelings would be permanently changed for him no matter how hard I tried to stay in love with him. There would just be too much damage done.

I am also VERY worried about you. Are you aware that murder is one of the leading causes of death of pregnant women? Your odds of dying are greatly increased during pregnancy, and the odds of being murdered are incredibly higher when preg than when not preg. Last statistics I saw listed murder as one of the top 2 or 3 causes of death of pregnant women. Often a spouse/father of the child who doesn't want the child chooses this as a way to escape the impending responsibilities of fatherhood.

If you have ANY fears for your safety, or your children's safety, LEAVE NOW. Even if it is just a niggling feeling that you cannot put your finger on why, GET OUT. You can repair the relationship in therapy and then move back in with him. If he is unmedicated, or his moods are not stable on his current medications, get him a psychiatrist appointment and go home Occupational Therapist (OT) your parents for a while. I am NOT joking. Do NOT discuss it, trust your instincts even if it seems like a crazy thing to be afraid of. Those instincts are there for a REASON.

If your husband will not go to therapy with you, go without him. Don't put it off or wait - you will NEED support as you go through your pregnancy. We will be here for you, and it sounds like your parents are, but you still will need somewhere to work through all your feelings for your husband and a therapist is a great place to do that.

Sending you LOTs of hugs!

 

[joneshockey]

I just wanted to check in ane let everyone know that everything is ok with me... No other comments (have been made by FF1) or websites have been posted since that one time and things seem to being going ok with FF1. I still am unsure weather or not he will attend the unltrasound on Tuesday, but at this point it is not that important to me if he is there or not... I guess I will take it as a good sign if he does show up! Please don't worry about me, I feel perfectly safe here at home and do not have any feeling that something may happen to me or this baby. I have set up an appointment for counciling next week and hope that my husband doesn't back out on me - He was pretty uncommittal when I mentioned it to him - I will be going weather or not he attends. My hope is that maybe we will get to the bottom of some of our issues. I will let you know how it goes.

 

[susiestar]

I am glad you are safe and that nothing was mentioned other than that one time. I just wanted you to be aware so that you could be sure you were safe. (((((hugs)))))

I hope he gets over his cranial-rectoiditis soon.

 

[joneshockey]

Hey...
I just wanted to update you on everything that is going on here. I just had my ultrasound last night and we found out the new little munchkin is going to be a GIRL, so I am super excited! FF1 did attend and seems to be starting to get excited about her now ~ He even went to the store after the appointment to get milk and came home with a pink flowered baby blanket, pink & purple pacifiers and 3 pink bibs... I am not trying to get get my hopes up that we have turned the corner, but am remaining optimistic.