I don't know if this is the right forum for my situation, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to try. My husband's son, now 21yo came to live with us 3 years ago after getting kicked out of his mother's home then living with his SB for a few months, bumming around and not working, mooching off us and whoever else he could. He always spent summers with us, but never liked me. His dad and I have been together 15 years. He would do little mean things to me, but just annoying, nothing too serious. Then in his soph. year in HS, he was sent to live with us after physically pushing his mother to the ground. That lasted a few months and he went back, then things just got worse, and the latest time he was kicked out, he tried to run her over with his car. We didn't find this out until after he was moved in with us. There was never any consequences to this behavior except he is not allowed back at his mom's.
He moved in full of hatred towards me-for what reason I do not know, unless it was transferral of his hatred of his mom. He refused to work the first 6 months, but wanted just to snowboard, which his dad allowed. He did go to work for his dad in the spring, but was argumentative and lazy, and got into a lot of verbal fights with other people on the construction crew. He blew up at me a couple times, said mean things, and his dad did talk to him, but nothing has really changed. He leaves the room when I come in, he eaves drops on our conversations, phone calls, goes through our stuff, doesn't pay rent, works only part time since he quit working for his dad, never pays us back for things we have bought for him when he agreed he would pay us back, is a total slob, doesn't have to do anything to help around our house, including cleaning the bathroom that he uses, helps himself to our food, is on our car insurance policy, - that is the one thing he does pay for - and he gets angry if there is too much noise early in the morning - I'm talking about 7 am, not really early.
The other day, I was vacuuming above his basement bedroom, @10 am, and he went into his bathroom and when he heard me putting the vacuum away in the closet across from the bathroom, he started talking to "himself" saying, "I hate you you, I wish you were dead". That scared me a lot, and I told his dad later that day and he had no response. A few months ago a similar thing happened when I reprimanded him about burning up my favorite cast iron skillet, and he started muttering to himself that he was going to shoot me. I also told his dad about that incident with no response. This stuff never happens when his dad is around.
He is as sweet as pie - usually - to his dad, and I believe he is an expert at manipulation. He lies a lot, I have heard him with my own ears, and he is always in a bad mood. I have told his dad he needs counseling, but dad refuses to broach that subject with him. I have asked when he is moving out, or going to college, or what he plans on doing with his life, and I only get my husband angry at me for asking. Help, I don't feel safe here with him when I am alone here, which is a lot since I work at a home office, I sleep with my doors locked if my husband is out of town, and I don't think I should be the one to see a counselor because I'm not the sick one, yet. This young man is big, so if he lost it, he could do some damage.
I don't know what I have to do to get my husband to realize what I am going through here. I have told him over and over, we have been in counseling about this issue, but the counselor was only sympathetic to what the kid grew up with (crazy controlling mother). I just don't know what to do. I think I need to start talking to other family members, my husband's sister, and our friends, but I don't want to start a big "issue" between me and my husband or make him look bad in the eyes of our friends and our family.
He moved in full of hatred towards me-for what reason I do not know, unless it was transferral of his hatred of his mom. He refused to work the first 6 months, but wanted just to snowboard, which his dad allowed. He did go to work for his dad in the spring, but was argumentative and lazy, and got into a lot of verbal fights with other people on the construction crew. He blew up at me a couple times, said mean things, and his dad did talk to him, but nothing has really changed. He leaves the room when I come in, he eaves drops on our conversations, phone calls, goes through our stuff, doesn't pay rent, works only part time since he quit working for his dad, never pays us back for things we have bought for him when he agreed he would pay us back, is a total slob, doesn't have to do anything to help around our house, including cleaning the bathroom that he uses, helps himself to our food, is on our car insurance policy, - that is the one thing he does pay for - and he gets angry if there is too much noise early in the morning - I'm talking about 7 am, not really early.
The other day, I was vacuuming above his basement bedroom, @10 am, and he went into his bathroom and when he heard me putting the vacuum away in the closet across from the bathroom, he started talking to "himself" saying, "I hate you you, I wish you were dead". That scared me a lot, and I told his dad later that day and he had no response. A few months ago a similar thing happened when I reprimanded him about burning up my favorite cast iron skillet, and he started muttering to himself that he was going to shoot me. I also told his dad about that incident with no response. This stuff never happens when his dad is around.
He is as sweet as pie - usually - to his dad, and I believe he is an expert at manipulation. He lies a lot, I have heard him with my own ears, and he is always in a bad mood. I have told his dad he needs counseling, but dad refuses to broach that subject with him. I have asked when he is moving out, or going to college, or what he plans on doing with his life, and I only get my husband angry at me for asking. Help, I don't feel safe here with him when I am alone here, which is a lot since I work at a home office, I sleep with my doors locked if my husband is out of town, and I don't think I should be the one to see a counselor because I'm not the sick one, yet. This young man is big, so if he lost it, he could do some damage.
I don't know what I have to do to get my husband to realize what I am going through here. I have told him over and over, we have been in counseling about this issue, but the counselor was only sympathetic to what the kid grew up with (crazy controlling mother). I just don't know what to do. I think I need to start talking to other family members, my husband's sister, and our friends, but I don't want to start a big "issue" between me and my husband or make him look bad in the eyes of our friends and our family.
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Sometimes on the Board I sound anti-spouse but truthfully IF I felt scared (evidently with very good reason in your case) AND my husband let his parental guilt dominate his actions or lack of actions, I'd be saying "husband I love you but I love myself too. I have tried numerous times to discuss the issues with SS and you are not taking my fears seriously. I will be finding a place to stay until I feel it is safe to come home."
