Scared to death!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by branbran, May 25, 2007.

  1. branbran

    branbran New Member

    Good evening all.

    I will be going to visit my difficult child tomorrow at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and I am absolutely terrified. The last visit (2 weeks ago) was devastating for me. She was in a rage begging me to take her home. She looked horrible, as she began cutting herself the week prior. (never did that before) She picked at her face so badly that she looked like she had been beaten up!!! Here's the worst part: At that visit she revealed to me, while on an awol from her last Residential Treatment Center (RTC), about a year ago, something "bad" happened to her. Her therapist told me she thinks my poor baby girl was raped!!!!!!!!!! I managed to avoid the details for the last 2 weeks, however now my daughter wants to talk with me about it. I cannot handle knowing, I am so afraid. As her mom, of course I must listen and console her, but God forgive me, I just do not want to know what happened to her. How can I possibly live with the knowledge that someone violated my beautiful baby. She wants to open up to me and I am terrified!!! What a coward. But how can I bear that? How can I know? I will replay that scenario over and over in my mind. I can't even believe this is happening, I can't believe this is my life!!!!! This was not supposed to happen, we have a nice home and she has lots of love and support. It was always my theory that kids who run away and end up on the street are actually running from something, abuse, neglect, unbearable home lives. That is so not the case here. I am so mad at her for putting herself in a dangerous situation. I have been counting down the minutes, I just don't want tomorrow to come. Oh God help me, help her. My heart hurts, my soul feels dead. My poor baby girl!!!! My stomach has been in knots, I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm shaking constantly. Why would God let this happen? I'm so so so angry, I'm seething with hatred for who ever hurt my baby!!!!
    I'm so upset with her for leaving that week, why didn't she just come home, call me, something!!!!! I know I'm babbling, I'm sorry, I just don't know how to handle this.

    If anyone has ever dealt with this horror, please tell me how to get through it. Any advice is welcome, as I am a complete mess!!
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I can only imagine how horrible it must be to know that something like that happened to your daughter. I was raped when I was 18 and I remember thinking that I was so sorry my parents had to get the phone call in the middle of the night to come to the ER because their daughter had been raped. Even though we didnt have the best relationship at the time I imagine it had to have been the worst phone call of their lives.

    Now...on to how you handle this. You have got to buck up. This is a horror and a tragedy but you have got to be strong for your daughter. She doesnt need to see any revulsion or disgust from you. Dont second guess what she did. None of this was her fault. I dont care where she was or what she did, it didnt give anyone the right to violate her. You both could probably do with some counseling. I hope she is getting it where she is and you should probably contact the rape crisis center where you live and ask about seeing someone. They will help you for free.

    Your daughter is the same girl she was before this happened but she will need you to tell her it wasnt her fault. That she is still lovable and that you still love her. Listen to her when she wants to talk but dont press her if she doesnt.

    Just be a mom.

    Hugs...if I can help at all PM me.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Please try to get someone else (who you trust) involved who can help her and defend her until you are emotionally ready to. A close friend, family member, lawyer - maybe you can't establish this by tomorrow, but please do it soon. You need some of it relieved from your shoulders, but she still needs to have this dealt with. Is there someone you both trust that could go with you on the visit? Someone who can handle following through themselves or advising you on how to get her help, file charges, whatever it takes. Otherwise, I would either take notes so you can take them to police and therapist or ask a staff member of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to be there.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, hugs and calm down. This is a true story for me. I had to learn that a child we had adopted and loved for three years was sexually abusing my two younger kids. He held a knife to their throats and forced them to do things to each other. There were too afraid of him to tell us. By the time we found out, it had happened too many times for them to count. He is gone now.
    It was hard to hear about it and we felt so guilty because it was done in our house, but we did the entire therapy bit with them and also talked to them in detail through the years. Kids who are raped/abused tend to think it's their fault. They need to know from you that it's not. in my opinion it's good that she trusts you enough to tell you about this. It makes kids feel dirty, and they need to know they are still valuable and worthy. I would not try not to cry--it's ok for her to see your pain for her, but I would go and hear. Not hearing won't make it not an issue.
    You get through it one day at a time. Our family is doing really well now. The kids still go to therapy sometimes. It's something you just deal with when it comes up, but I do think being honest and dealing with it when the child needs to talk is the best way to go. (((big hugs)))
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Deep, deep breaths.

    You cannot blame her for putting herself in harms way.

    You cannot blame yourself for not doing something different.

    You cannot blame God for letting it happen. God did not let it happen. Life happens. With God's help. you can get through anything. Pray for the strength to do just that.

    You need to assure her that it is NOT HER FAULT. Aside from that, you need not say much more, other than how much you love her. Hold her and let her cry. Cry with her.

    Remember, this is about her. You have GOT to be strong for her. Then, come home, and let us be strong for you. That is what we are here for.

    Hugs and prayers, for you and your baby girl.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I can't speak from personal experience like Janet and MWM, but I would agree with their wise words.

    You need to find the strength to support your daughter in this. If she needs to tell her mom, she needs to tell her mom. She needs your love and comfort. If you cry, that's ok. It's not going to make her think you are weak. Don't think about the replay in your mind, thing about the replay in hers and how this is moving forward for her. The fact that she wants to talk with you about it is probably a good sign. It means she is ready to acknowledge, to the one who loves her the most, a horrible ordeal she went through. This could be the beginning....

    And please, don't lose faith, God did not let this happen. Someone sick pervert did it. It happened. Now is the time for you to call upon what gives you strength and move forward towards healing what happened.

    You and your daughter will be in my prayers. Please let us know how it goes tomorrow. We are here and are behind you.

  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so thinking of you.....I can only imagine! My son is the same age as your daughter, and I know - I know the pain. He told me the other day about an incident - one in which I am not even ready to disclose on an anonymous board - and I had the same reaction as you. At first, I refused to believe first I refused to enter into the realm of reality. I think that type of denial is a coping mechanism, and the last thing we (us moms) need to do is beat ourselves up over our coping strategies. Just let yourself process everything that happens tomorrow in your own time, no questions asked of yourself. I am positive you will do fine in the moment tomorrow, and your daughter will get the support she needs, and then you can take the next couple of weeks to process the event. Hopefully you have a therapist?

    Just know we are all with you, and supporting you......either by thoughts or prayers.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Sending you good thoughts and love for tomorrow. You can do this for your daughter.
  9. branbran

    branbran New Member

    Thank you so much for all of your kind words. It really means so much to me that you all have taken the time out of your own hectc lives to lend me your support, thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your so very private experiences with me. It is amazing how, we as strangers from all over the world, really connect on a very personal level. All of you are a great comfort to me. This really is a soft place to fall.

    I will take all of the advice, be strong and be the soft place to fall for my daughter. I draw strength from all of you. I'm not just saying that, I mean it!!! It is empowering to be able to connect with people who know exactly what you're going through. So thank you for that.

    I will post tomorrow and let you know how it goes. In the meantime I will relish in your comfort.

    p.s. I'm so sorry to those who have gone through similar incidents. My prayers are with you.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Take some deep breaths.

    Like MWM and Janet I've been there too. On both sides of the coin, so to speak. It will probably the toughest thing you and difficult child will ever have to go thru together. But you WILL get thru it. No, it certainly doesn't seem like it when you're smack in the middle of the nitemare. But I promise you'll get thru it.

    I was devistated when I discovered my nephew molested my then 3 yr old easy child. She was literally a baby. My life was tossed into a tailspin that I'd have trouble wishing on my worst enemy. I spent my nights sobbing, my days pretending that all was well, while fighting to get thru the police and cps investigation and hopefully get my nephew help. It split up husband and I for awhile.

    You're daughter needs you. You can do this. If you think you might need a therapist to help you thru the emotions, then do it. (I needed it) You take baby steps one step at a time. Give daughter your love and support while helping her see this isn't her fault.

    Remember we're here for you to help hold you up when you need us.

    I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. Sending many gentle hugs for you both.

  11. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member

    I am so sorry for you and your dear girl. I don't have any experience to draw on, but I do have lots of prayers and hugs to offer to you. God Bless you two. We will be here as your soft place to land, just as you will be for your baby.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs. DDD
  13. mum2JK&TH

    mum2JK&TH New Member

    I was raped when I was 12 and didn't tell my mum about it until my best friend was raped by the same guy about six months later and was hopitalized. She needs you and she needs you to listen and be there for her. You need to take any guilt or anger you feel and deal with it after, away from her. Let her talk and feel that she can freely talk to you without having to worry about how she may have hurt you or made you feel bad. My mum laid so much guilt on me with her own "woah is me" feeling that she took away all that I had been through. Your daughter cannot change what has happened but if she is ready to talk about it then she needs to do so freely and at her pace. Sounds like she is ready for the next step, just be there for her. Set up an appointment for yourself after to deal with how it affects you, but don't put that weight on her shoulders.

    Listen and Love...that's all she needs and lots of hugs if she'll accept them.

    I am so sorry this has happened. Big hugs to you both...She'll get through this mum, I promise.

  14. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I fell apart upon reading 200+ pages of difficult child's CPS reports. He experienced things most adults haven't experienced.

    The only way I was able to get ahold of myself was to realize that he had lived it and survived; surely I had the strength to read about it and survive.

    Keeping myself pulled together when difficult child was home wasn't easy.

  15. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    Everyone has offered such wonderful advice. I just wanted to add an extra set of arms to hold you up while you're there and pair of shoulders for you to cry on when you get back.

  16. susiequte

    susiequte New Member

    I was molested when I was 8 years old. I was about 26 when I finally got enough nerve to tell my parents. They got into a HUGE fight about it: who's fault it was, who should have been taking better care of me, blah, blah, blah. I went into another room for awhile and when I came back to see my mom, I was expecting her to comfort me in some way.......WRONG! These are her exact words....."If your dad and I get divorced because of this, it will be YOUR fault!" HUH? To this day, those words still hurt me, and I can't share many things with her. She has since apologized for saying this, but it still hurts sooooooo bad. Just something to think about.....Good luck!!