Scared to death

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Jan 12, 2014.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aud, you are in a very precarious and dangerous situation. The others have given you wonderful advice, it's important that you follow it and protect yourself and your daughter.

    In addition to changing your locks, getting a protective order, possibly putting yourself and your daughter in a shelter for protection, not answering the phone, etc. as the dust settles a bit, it seems important for you to seek professional help for yourself as well. We parents are usually at the end of our rope with our kids and in my opinion WE need help and support to make the changes necessary to learn to detach from our kids.

    There is a very good organization called NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online and they have chapters everywhere. They offer parent classes and support groups for parents which can provide excellent tools for YOU to learn how to navigate this situation with your son. They may also be able to assist him in finding housing, Doctors, information, education, and basic tools to live independently.

    Is there anyone within the jail whom you can talk to? Is he being represented by a public defender? Perhaps you might speak to her/him about possible programs the County offers for Mentally Ill patients. I am not sure of that, but it may be worth a try. What you want to do now is gain information for first your protection and second what is out there for your son to be independent.

    If he just refuses to take medications or in any way help himself, then you are in the unfortunate position to have to learn to let go. There is an article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, it may be helpful for you.

    I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation with your son..........mental illness can be a very destructive force within a family, my sister is bi-polar and my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic, so I am somewhat familiar with the territory you find yourself in...........however my siblings are not violent...........that presents a whole different scenario which must be so frightening and horrifying for you.

    You may want to get those locks changed first thing in the morning and also get that protective order which will give you the right to immediately call the police if he comes within a certain distance from your home and have him arrested. If there is somewhere you can stay for awhile with your daughter, that may be the safest solution.

    As far as your son committing suicide, that is a very scary possibility for you, I can't imagine how scary..............and yet, that too is out of your control, you can't prevent that choice if he made it..........I know that sounds so harsh, but no one can prevent another person from taking their own son in law committed suicide and not one of us could have prevented it.............I am so sorry. I know this must be so devastating for you to deal with...........but right now, it is what it is and you have to protect yourself and certainly your daughter as well. Take the advice from the parents here and protect yourself............Sending you lots of warm wishes for some peace of mind to begin to blossom in your life as you go through this difficult time.................hugs too..........
  2. aud

    aud Member

    Thank you so much for your going to look into everything you suggested. I have talked to the social worker in the jail. I have talked to prosecuting attorney. Why does the enabling part of my brain think if my daughter could just go stay somewhere then he could just come back here.that is a very wrong way of thinking . Im just afraid we are either going to be killed, or the stress is going to finAlly do me in

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  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    When we are very frightened, our brains protect us by going into denial. Recovering calls this place you are in now the FOG. It is a place we all find ourselves when what is happening is so horrible that we freeze in place.

    Like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car.

    The car is coming, aud. You have to move. Whatever it feels like, you have to step aside.

    It is your son driving the car.

    It's coming really fast, and you have to move, aud.

    There is no "good" choice, in a situation like this one. But there is a right choice aud, however wrong it feels. And that is to protect yourself and your daughter.

    That is the first step.

    Take it.

    Once you are safe, you can think what to do about your son.

    What you are feeling now aud is what every abused person, man or woman, feels. It is what every victim of torture or brainwashing feels. Trapped, afraid to defy the abuser, afraid to have him near you, afraid to let him know you're afraid. Afraid to know what to think, afraid to think, at all.

    How dare he do this to you.