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Scared to death
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 623779" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You have my love, support and empathy. Few parents have to deal with this sort of behavior. No matter what the core cause is, it doesn't really matter. He is a "dangerous child." You have other kids. That is the difference between a regular difficult child who is problematic and difficult and a child who is dangerous. Dangerous children hurt others and can be a threat to the entire family.</p><p></p><p>Nobody, even me, likes to talk about kids who are too dangerous to live at home or who are doomed from an early age. Everyone wants to think all children have hope. That was the spirit of my husband and me when we decided to deliberately adopt a child who was probably not going to ever get a home because of things beyond his control...mainly boys of color, who linger in foster care in a heartbreaking way. All of my kids are different races...that was no issue to us. And we had been experienced adoptive parents and knew that boys have a harder time getting adopted than girls. And the older you are, the harder it is. We just wanted to show him love and we did. It was not enough to even put a dent in his early wiring...and didn't help that his birthmother used drugs and alcohol while pregnant.</p><p></p><p>Although it was easy to love this boy, because he was so sweet to every adult he met and he really poured it on to us, we had no trouble calling CPS and asking them to take him away when we found out he had been sexual to our two youngest children. That was a line we drew in the sand...even a biological or child adopted at birth would have had to live elsewhere if he had done that to our other children. And he never spoke of sex to us or even acted like he thought about sex. We thought of him as sort of asexual or sexually immature. All the time he was holding a knife to my other kids making them have sex. And, yes, they were about four and six years old. At the time we also had a seven year old foster boy who was a lovebug and he was made to act out sexually as well. He is now happily adopted, thank goodness.</p><p></p><p>There are times when a child's behavior is a threat to the rest of the family. That's when the parents have to choose between trying to help the dangerous child (as I call them) and the rest. We made a decision that some would probably think was very mean. We threw the offender out, feeling that he was doing so many dangerous and horrible things that it was not worth it to risk our other children any further. After hearing about the sexual abuse, neither hubby nor I were in the frame of mind to be able to be a decent parent to him, even if he lived away from us, so we relinquished our rights. Legally, it took a while for that to happen and we had to pay child support until he was tried in court and found guilty of sexual assault.</p><p></p><p>He is on the streets today at age twenty-two. He has married and has two little girls. I saw it on FB. Have no idea why I even checked. Curiousity, I guess and was shocked to see he even had an account. I think about those two little girls all the time and know what is in store for them, but this young man is so dangerous that establishing contact, if he'd even allow it, would be a risk to all of us, even though I'd love to help the babies and tell the wife everything. I doubt she knows. But it's too risky. I would not be surprised if he were on the news for murder one day. I never want to see him again.</p><p></p><p>He still has our last nane. I'm surprised he didn't change it back. He was not attached to us. In residential treatment, when asked if he missed us, he said, "I miss the money and the toys. That's all."</p><p></p><p>I hope he has changed, but in my heart...well, without intensive help, he can't be ok.</p><p></p><p>My prayers are with you. Support is there whatever you decide to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 623779, member: 1550"] You have my love, support and empathy. Few parents have to deal with this sort of behavior. No matter what the core cause is, it doesn't really matter. He is a "dangerous child." You have other kids. That is the difference between a regular difficult child who is problematic and difficult and a child who is dangerous. Dangerous children hurt others and can be a threat to the entire family. Nobody, even me, likes to talk about kids who are too dangerous to live at home or who are doomed from an early age. Everyone wants to think all children have hope. That was the spirit of my husband and me when we decided to deliberately adopt a child who was probably not going to ever get a home because of things beyond his control...mainly boys of color, who linger in foster care in a heartbreaking way. All of my kids are different races...that was no issue to us. And we had been experienced adoptive parents and knew that boys have a harder time getting adopted than girls. And the older you are, the harder it is. We just wanted to show him love and we did. It was not enough to even put a dent in his early wiring...and didn't help that his birthmother used drugs and alcohol while pregnant. Although it was easy to love this boy, because he was so sweet to every adult he met and he really poured it on to us, we had no trouble calling CPS and asking them to take him away when we found out he had been sexual to our two youngest children. That was a line we drew in the sand...even a biological or child adopted at birth would have had to live elsewhere if he had done that to our other children. And he never spoke of sex to us or even acted like he thought about sex. We thought of him as sort of asexual or sexually immature. All the time he was holding a knife to my other kids making them have sex. And, yes, they were about four and six years old. At the time we also had a seven year old foster boy who was a lovebug and he was made to act out sexually as well. He is now happily adopted, thank goodness. There are times when a child's behavior is a threat to the rest of the family. That's when the parents have to choose between trying to help the dangerous child (as I call them) and the rest. We made a decision that some would probably think was very mean. We threw the offender out, feeling that he was doing so many dangerous and horrible things that it was not worth it to risk our other children any further. After hearing about the sexual abuse, neither hubby nor I were in the frame of mind to be able to be a decent parent to him, even if he lived away from us, so we relinquished our rights. Legally, it took a while for that to happen and we had to pay child support until he was tried in court and found guilty of sexual assault. He is on the streets today at age twenty-two. He has married and has two little girls. I saw it on FB. Have no idea why I even checked. Curiousity, I guess and was shocked to see he even had an account. I think about those two little girls all the time and know what is in store for them, but this young man is so dangerous that establishing contact, if he'd even allow it, would be a risk to all of us, even though I'd love to help the babies and tell the wife everything. I doubt she knows. But it's too risky. I would not be surprised if he were on the news for murder one day. I never want to see him again. He still has our last nane. I'm surprised he didn't change it back. He was not attached to us. In residential treatment, when asked if he missed us, he said, "I miss the money and the toys. That's all." I hope he has changed, but in my heart...well, without intensive help, he can't be ok. My prayers are with you. Support is there whatever you decide to do. [/QUOTE]
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