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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 64869" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>Hi Dara, I don't think I have met you. I have been scarce the last month. Sorry.</p><p>When you mentioned that difficult child is his worst enemy because he will not do it the way it is taught, a bell went off. I think my son is his worst enemy. He could have mastered many of the skills that were horrid obstacles for him. Part of his personality is anxious to do it wrong, part is he is intelligent and tends to think he knows more than anyone else and part of it is the defiance that is a survival instinct. </p><p></p><p>I wish I could give you some direction and paint a picture of where this will go in the years ahead but so many of our difficult child's do not fit in little categories.</p><p>My son isn't bipolar and problably not horribly symptomatic of Asperger's but it's as close as they could come with the knowledge that is available. If it allowed my son to get treatment, then I didn't care what they called it. </p><p>My son didn't tie his shoe until he was 13. </p><p>He still struggles with making change. He can barely hold hold a job but he can drive and he reads voraciously and he can barely write or spell. He has high average intelligence.</p><p></p><p>I'm sharing this with you because I understand the frustration of no one seeing the big picture of your son. The frustration of not having a set treatment plan. The frustration of being able to project forward in the life of a 3yr old. </p><p></p><p>Your son is different. I think the term that was used when describing test results of my son at 7yrs old was "eccentric". </p><p></p><p>My son learns different, has a different spin on what is important and how to do it. It's definitely not mine. It doesn't make him unintelligent but it does pose a lot of problems with function. The frustration for your son feels is equivalent to the frustration you feel. He can't articulate or release that frustration. He does what he thinks is right only to be shown and told over and over that this isn't the right way. Believe me when I say I'm not criticizing you. I tried over and over because I feared for his ability to continue in school. Funny thing is when I stopped blaming him for his learning disabilities (but held him responsible for things he chose) I learned what to go "to the mat" for and what to not give difficult child grief. </p><p></p><p>I honestly say that my son brought me to my knees because there wasn't a therapy, a medication, a specialist or a test that I didn't seek out and try over the course of 20yrs. I felt I had failed him. I suffered for difficult child's emotional well being, his sanity and my failure to do what everyone else seemed to do without anywhere near the effort. I remember thinking how much easier his life would have been if he had accepted help and modeled his behavior after others. I know it's defiance but I'm pretty sure my difficult child couldn't change it anymore than a leopard could change it's spots.</p><p>I wish I could tell you things to make this path easy but I can't. You have to keep mothering him. The teaching will come but the mothering has to be the priority. Look at his little face and ask yourself what does he need to help him master what he can master and hopefully you can work on him gradually mastering the other things. You may not see progress and then be surprised with his own development. </p><p></p><p>A child who is a struggling student can be dealt with but a child who is struggling emotionally and socially leaves much bigger scars and is much more difficult to live with as a child and as an adult. </p><p></p><p>I hope the suggestions that are being offered help you try something you haven't or to look at the child with a different set of eyes. It's all we can offer. None of us have a magic cure for a willful, defiant child. None of our kids can tell us what would have made a difference.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 64869, member: 3"] Hi Dara, I don't think I have met you. I have been scarce the last month. Sorry. When you mentioned that difficult child is his worst enemy because he will not do it the way it is taught, a bell went off. I think my son is his worst enemy. He could have mastered many of the skills that were horrid obstacles for him. Part of his personality is anxious to do it wrong, part is he is intelligent and tends to think he knows more than anyone else and part of it is the defiance that is a survival instinct. I wish I could give you some direction and paint a picture of where this will go in the years ahead but so many of our difficult child's do not fit in little categories. My son isn't bipolar and problably not horribly symptomatic of Asperger's but it's as close as they could come with the knowledge that is available. If it allowed my son to get treatment, then I didn't care what they called it. My son didn't tie his shoe until he was 13. He still struggles with making change. He can barely hold hold a job but he can drive and he reads voraciously and he can barely write or spell. He has high average intelligence. I'm sharing this with you because I understand the frustration of no one seeing the big picture of your son. The frustration of not having a set treatment plan. The frustration of being able to project forward in the life of a 3yr old. Your son is different. I think the term that was used when describing test results of my son at 7yrs old was "eccentric". My son learns different, has a different spin on what is important and how to do it. It's definitely not mine. It doesn't make him unintelligent but it does pose a lot of problems with function. The frustration for your son feels is equivalent to the frustration you feel. He can't articulate or release that frustration. He does what he thinks is right only to be shown and told over and over that this isn't the right way. Believe me when I say I'm not criticizing you. I tried over and over because I feared for his ability to continue in school. Funny thing is when I stopped blaming him for his learning disabilities (but held him responsible for things he chose) I learned what to go "to the mat" for and what to not give difficult child grief. I honestly say that my son brought me to my knees because there wasn't a therapy, a medication, a specialist or a test that I didn't seek out and try over the course of 20yrs. I felt I had failed him. I suffered for difficult child's emotional well being, his sanity and my failure to do what everyone else seemed to do without anywhere near the effort. I remember thinking how much easier his life would have been if he had accepted help and modeled his behavior after others. I know it's defiance but I'm pretty sure my difficult child couldn't change it anymore than a leopard could change it's spots. I wish I could tell you things to make this path easy but I can't. You have to keep mothering him. The teaching will come but the mothering has to be the priority. Look at his little face and ask yourself what does he need to help him master what he can master and hopefully you can work on him gradually mastering the other things. You may not see progress and then be surprised with his own development. A child who is a struggling student can be dealt with but a child who is struggling emotionally and socially leaves much bigger scars and is much more difficult to live with as a child and as an adult. I hope the suggestions that are being offered help you try something you haven't or to look at the child with a different set of eyes. It's all we can offer. None of us have a magic cure for a willful, defiant child. None of our kids can tell us what would have made a difference. [/QUOTE]
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