SD has run away...

T

toughlovin

Guest
I really don't have any answers for you but SD sounds very much like my son. Consequences often made him angrier and more rebellious...and he would find ways around him. Doesn't mean they weren't necessary but they didn't always work either. They worked the best when they were very clearly stated and agreed upon. A written contract helps this... but again he would always find all the loopholes and no contract can cover everything. I would limit a written contract to the basics you feel are necessary. Sometimes rewards worked.... but of course you have to be careful it is a reward for good decent behavior and not bribery. Yet even with those he often would then try and take advantage....

I totally sympathize with you and wish I had something concrete to offer you. We told our son, age 18, a month ago that he had to leave our house for his behavior.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
After reading all this, I am stunned that wife, who works with troubled kids, hadn't insisted (long ago) that this child have a neuropsychologist evaluation and receive help much earlier than now. This (teen years) is a bad time to try to start it. I'm betting she's involved in drug use. But even if she's not, she's running the show and is also a very unhappy young woman. I had a very unhappy teenage daughter too and she ran away too, but we never ever were lenient about it. The cops got called...she was brought home. We put bars on her bedroom window so she couldn't leave out her bedroom window and run around at night (yes, she did this). You may need to put an alarm on her door...they sell them at Radio Shack. It is DANGEROUS for her to be running around at night. My daughter is now 26 and those days are long behind us, but it wasn't fun! As soon as she started acting out, the money dried up. We didn't give her any.We bought her what she needed, and that's all. No toys, computer, phone, etc. She got a job at sixteen, which helped her current excellent work ethic, because she wanted nicer clothes than we were willing to buy her. She also wanted junk food...we only bought what she absolutely had to have. She pouted about that a lot, but oh well.

wife went through a divorce so SD has another parent and if he is not on board, daughter may actually end up living with him. A lot of time kids, who are very disturbed by divorce, often play one parent against the other and he is allowing it. In certain states kids can decide who they live with at 13 unless the parent is proven unfit. wife needs to go to therapy herself so that she can learn to be a whole and happy person even while her daughter is going through this and trying to make her unhappy. EVEN IF HER DAUGHTER ENDS UP WITH HER EX, she needs to realize she has a life too, aside from her daughter. It's unlikely estrangement will last forever.

In the end, my guess is SD will live with her father because she has apparently inherited and/or copied his personality and he sees nothing wrong with it. But wife should have had this child evaluated years and years ago...if she raged, broke things, chronically lied, etc...she knew that wasn't normal and must have been in denial. The sad thing is, this issues only get worse as the kids grew older, especially if there is chaos in their lives.

I found most psychologists to be unrealistically lenient regarding teen age behavior. One therapist told me and hub we needed to "trust" our daughter. Huh???? She could look us straight in the eyes (and did) and lie with tears. She did drugs (daughter has told me since getting clean "never ever trust a word a drug user says."). Is SD's father a substance abuser? Do you think SD could be using drugs/drinking? They usually do it when you are asleep. If so, and even if not, I'd be extremely tough on her, even if she still rebels. My daughter tells me all the time that we did the right thing when we got very tough on her and that she used to "play" the therapists for sympathy.

I wish you all luck, whatever you decide to do.
 
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AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
You have heard a lot of good advice here... Honestly, you could be describing Onyxx. And your wife is most definitely in denial. She is enabling the behavior, and I'll be honest with you - it CAN and WILL get worse if nothing is done. I realize you're "just a stepdad" - kind of like I am "just a stepmom" (ha, ha, ha... JUST.) - but it's YOUR home, too. Fact is, if you do not put YOUR foot down about what you will tolerate in YOUR home - it will escalate. And I realize you love wife - but she is enabling the behavior - and therefore (most likely subconsciously) thumbing her nose at you, too. No, she doesn't mean to do it, and yes, I can see the point behind "the kids come first", but her not backing you up is just sending the message to SD that you're expendable.

Someone mentioned that cutting is not something that a mentally healthy person would do. If the kid is/was self-harming, that's not just a red flag. That's a screaming siren/flashing lights. The lies, too. I'm talking from the point of view of a stepparent that's been there done that and I'm not yet out the other side.

Lastly - EVERY TIME she physically leaves your home without permission, and I don't mean to stand in the front yard - wife doesn't need to drive around - she needs to call the cops. because if she finds SD in a bad position, she could end up being the one in legal trouble. (Trust me, been there done that iny my own home and I still don't know how I kept it together and didn't kill Onyxx and her then-boyfriend).

Lastly - good luck, and lots of hugs...
 

nvts

Active Member
Hi Lost! Wow! You're really going through it! I've got to say, I feel for you as far as walking a fine line. I can't offer any real advice as my kids haven't hit this stage (yet!) - they're younger than yours.

For a signiture, you could list yourself, your wife, the kids, NO NAMES - just wife, Stepson/daughter (you can give them nicknames for privacy sake), their ages, etc. Even though your step daughter doesn't have a diagnosis, you could list general behavior concerns. Family pets, interests, etc. This way people can get to know you and still maintain your privacy (as well as the kids and wife).

My opinion on the kit-and-kaboodle (for what it's worth!) is to get the neuropsychologist done. Doctors don't treat family, lawyers don't represent family, and parents shouldn't diagnose their kids. The reason being? Objectivity is key to figuring out what's going on. Since her birth father was an abusive toadstool, she may not value herself, her self-esteem may be in the toilet and if he was abusive to her mother - she may think it's appropriate to treat her the way she watched her father treat her mom. Well, that's my $2.00 psychology for the day! ;)

Either way, I truly respect that you're continually trying to help and dig and understand the dynamic in your family - others (my husband included) run away when the going gets tough.

We're here for you and most importantly (this is important to understand), sometimes people get a little passionate about certain situations. A lot of the time it's fueled by past experience, current circumstances and ALWAYS with care, concern and compassion. Basically the "three C's" of the people on this site! Please don't feel judged or criticized.

Keep posting - and try and get your wife to consider some diagnostic testing. It may end up quite revealing and helpful in how to deal with your "girl".

We're here for you!

Beth
 

JJJ

Active Member
For a signiture, you could list yourself, your wife, the kids, NO NAMES - just wife, Stepson/daughter (you can give them nicknames for privacy sake), their ages, etc. Even though your step daughter doesn't have a diagnosis, you could list general behavior concerns. Family pets, interests, etc. This way people can get to know you and still maintain your privacy (as well as the kids and wife).

Nicknames for the kids are great! It makes it so much easier to remember "Onyxx" instead of SD14. And make them up - I really didn't name my kids Kanga, Eeyore, Piglet and Tigger (but wow, do those nicknames fit their personalities!!).
 
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