School meeting again tomorrow am

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Oct 3, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    This is my request to see principal and gym teacher.

    Today VP called. (he is new, he is the one who got in difficult child's face and accused him of things, lied to both myself and difficult child)
    I think he is on this power horse and this new job went to his head!

    VP called telling me to come get difficult child or give permission for him to walk. (2 miles). I said why. He said in gym class he refused to run when teacher told him to. VP said difficult child denied everything she wrote and is argumentative so he is suspending him. He said he wasn't feeling good. He wrote a whole page statement on what happended disagreeing with gym teacher. I got to school and VP said he is lying and that the gym teacher is correct. I stated that I believe the truth my be somewhere in between. difficult child asked if he could go change (had on gym clothes) and VP yelled saying he asked that too many times. I explained to him about what happened on Monday that he is to have an EEG and see a cardiologist. Didn't care. Said if I didn't take him he would make him walk. He then said he didn't have time to discuss this with me he had a meeting and the decision has been made. If I don't take him he'll make it TWO days. difficult child asked if he could go to his locker and VP said no..he will go with. I went with.
    So, he threatened me last time I was there. And again he threatened to make it two days if we didn't leave. I asked to see the principal and he laughed and said she is in a meeting. I said I would wait. Well, she didn't come back so I made a meeting for tomorrow at 10am with principal and gym teacher.

    I do not believe difficult child is argumentative. I believe he is standing up for the truth. I told him before I will NOT have difficult child agree to something he didn't do just because he(vp) wants him to. When difficult child DOES do something wrong, he admits to it and talks about how to handle things differently.

    He informed me as he was laughing that he would make him walk and make it two days unless I left. he going to be responsible if he collapses on the way home?
    I tried to get ahold of the doctor today for a note for gym. They didn't call back. So, I wrote one. They better accept it.

    Anyone have advice on how I can handle this with the principal without exploding? I seem to have trouble in this area.

    When the VP called me he said that difficult child would go to ISS for the remainder of the day unless I came to get him. By the end of our conversation he threatened to have him walk if I didn't come get him. Tonight I looked at the referral and he DID suspend him for two days. He NEVER told me that.

    I am not waiting for my 10 am meeting. I am going to school with difficult child prior to school and I will WAIT to see the principal.

    Who can I get to help me??
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    First of all, please don't take this the wrong way, you need to chill when with school personnel.

    I don't care how angry you are or what nonsense they are throwing your way - remain calm, diplomatic & in control. If you cannot do this in person, start writing letters or send via email. You don't want to be labeled a "hysterical" parent.

    I can't remember, does difficult child have an IEP? If so, what interventions are in place for him? Does he need a more contained setting for the time being?

    As for school personnel - can you handle a meeting of the minds. Teachers, VP, principal, guidance counselor, etc. Give them the low down on difficult child, if you're comfortable with it; tell them how you deal with it at home - what is successful & what isn't.

    In the meantime, sounds like you need an education advocate - someone to run interference for you.

    I'm sure others, with more experience, will come along with ideas as well. School personnel have always worked with me in the best interests of the tweedles. On issues we couldn't come to agreement on, the school gave some & I did as well, until we came to an agreement.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Adding my 2 cents:

    This guy is new, is on a power trip and can't be reasoned with.

    Speaking with the principal is a great idea, but remember: she most likely hired him, so she might lean toward his position rather than yours.

    Do yourself a favor: write everything down. Then read it impartially. Take any insults out - then put it in an outline format. Have this with you when you go talk to her. If it's laid out logically, you'll have more luck showing logic vs. passion about being right. You ARE right, but logic will win.

    Bring a copy of the IEP with you so that you can refer back at all times. Bring copies of the doctors. referal (if you have one) for the cardiologist.

    It's great to advocate for your child, BUT you have to do your homework first and NOT GET EMOTIONAL!!!

    I have to tell you, my difficult child 1 was restrained last week and came home Fri. with hand PRINTS on his forearms from being held improperly. husband freaked and wanted blood, but I got a meeting with the staff involved, the director, his couselor and the Director of the psychiatric side of the house. I stayed as professional as they did and came out ahead of the game.

    Stay strong, stay convicted to the cause, and let us know how things worked out!

  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    People on power trips are unreasonable. That means you must remain reasonable. Vent away at home or on the board, but remain calm in the face of evil :devil: (just kidding, well maybe)

    If a meeting with the school does not work, ask for a meeting with the superintendent (sp) of the school district. Anything you do will be taken more seriously if you are calm. Schools are run by humans, and ALL humans make mistakes
  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I read all your posts, from other posts too. I was literally shaking when I went in. I tried to remember all your advice.
    I did write down everything. Yes he has an IEP. He has a cool off pass which states on IEP, "If student or teacher notice anxiety/frustration levels rising he is to use his cool off pass" He was suppose to have a few different people he can go talk to in order to keep him from the office. Just regroup and return to class.
    First of all, nobody knew he had an IEP. Then, nobody gave him the passes and no teacher was aware of it. So, then the teachers were given a large 8x10 copy of the pass, and difficult child was given smaller ones. Well, that lasted a day and he lost it. So they placed it on his lanyard/ID permanantly.
    Still, teachers do not use it. HE does. He says he needs to use his cool off pass and tells them who he is going to see. Last time he did this the teacher called the office and said he just walked out of class. Thank you for your prayers and strength. It worked. I held my cool. I discussed the incident yesterday. Explained why he didn't run in gym and he would not be in gym until the test results are in. Told me they have to have the slip from the doctor, which I forgot at the Dr.'s. She said I could have them fax it in.
    difficult child arrived and joined us. He was tired. I was angry with him and made him stay up until ALL his homework was complete. Missing work and all. He was up until after midnight. But all is complete that we know of. So, he was yawning and stretching.
    She asked him what happened yesterday and he told her. She asked several times and he gave the same answer.
    I told her I do not appreciate being lied to by VP and I don't appreciate him getting in difficult child's face and accusing him of things without even asking. Then threatening both of us.
    Told her there was NO mention of suspension until I started asking questions. Then he threatened to make difficult child walk home. So I went to school and then he said if we didn't leave he would make it TWO days suspension. I told her how he laughed in my face when I requested to see her. She was in a meeting so he laughed and said, "Hah..she's in a meeting". I told her of how he gets in difficult child's face. We then went over the referral and she agreed that the real truth is somewhere between what the teacher said and what difficult child said. That everyone interprets things their own way. I talked about the teachers and the silly reasons he is being removed from class. She wrote that down. I told her about two grades he had and teacher won't tell him why, so I emailed her asking if he left something out that we weren't aware of. That was over a week ago and she did not reply. She wrote everything down. I felt much more comfortable. She asked difficult child who he would like to see when he needs to use his cool off pass. Wrote down a list of people ..his choice.
    I asked since the teachers have this pass, can they request he use his pass if they or difficult child begomes frustrated. She said yes.
    Then she said, "well Alex, you won't be here today, but when you return..." Whooah I say. This suspension I want lifted. Again went back to the gym incident and why. She said she thinks it is because of the confrontation between difficult child and VP. difficult child says, "yea, he kept telling me I did all these things and I didn't". She then said she cannot overturn VP's decision. WHAT??she is HIS boss. She said she will keep difficult child in her office and investigate. He asked if he could go home. I said I want him IN class and this ridiculous referral and suspension thrown out. Again she said the same. Said she would keep him in his office. OR she said he can come home until she calls. I told her he is to BE IN CLASS where he can learn. She said she would call me. He BETTER be going back to class. He has tests to take.
    So, after going through different approaches to frustration and he agree's, seems to be fine. Then was really upset that I was making him stay at school. (he was very tired.eye puffy tired)

    I told her that I did make contact with an advocy group. And I did send the superintedent a letter. I will not allow difficult child to be singled out, bullied, intimidated or threatened at all. I told her this has to end, so I do intend to follow up with the school district.

    She said that was fine. She wouldn't tell me one way or another it is my decision.

    Also..she asked difficult child if he would rather come to her than VP if need be. He said , "YYYEEEEESSSS" So he will be. Unless she is out of the building. She is much calmer, and was able to keep me calm. VP would of had me screaming. Been there once to many times.

    I also told her VP told me the reason difficult child gets sent out so often is because even if people are talking to him or pushing him, the person who retaliates gets punished. I said WHAT?? So I can go punch someone out there and if they hit me back they are the one in trouble. He said yes. So, once again I reminded him of the ""NO TOLOERANCE LAW**

    So all went ok today. If he is not back in class shortly I will go get him. And I do plan on following through to school district.

    I have been up since 6 am Wednesday. So, time for bed. Just wanted to let you know. what happened. Once again you guys saved the day. Thanks for the advice.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    :warrior: <span style='font-family: Arial Black'><span style='font-size: 26pt'>!!!</span></span>
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Awesome! You're a hero! And your difficult child knows that he's got a mom who's "got his back". That's worth a million bucks!

    I'm not surprised that the principal wouldn't lift the suspension. It's early in the year and if she doesn't back him without investigating, all of his authority would be shot. Remember: she probably hired him!

    Great job! And follow up as you said with the school district!

  8. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I slept for 3 hours. husband arrived home with difficult child about 5 minutes after school's release. Usually takes him 15 minutes to get to the car. The reason: HE DIDN'T ATTEND ANY CLASS. Principal made him sit in the office the entire day!!!!
    she did not call me like she said. So, I called her. She said my emergency card said I worked noon to midnight. NOT..I know my schedule. Anyway, she said he stayed busy with missing work.
    I was extremely upset that he didn't go to class. She said he was quiet and respectful and worked hard in the office.

    Progress reports came home 5 F's and a B. All do to missing work. They say "missing - F" I immediately jumped on the computer and emailed each one of these teachers. He was absent - excused Monday and Tuesday (Dr. appointments most of the day) These dates should not read missing, rather absent. Then they are not figured into the cumulative grade. He is given time to make them up without reduction in points. He did have some that were missing/late.

    She would not approve me observing class. She said she is not sure what my "motive" is.
    I emailed her again tonight telling her that I need to be aware of what difficult child is doing. I understand that the teacher, difficult child and probably other students would act different if I were there. I do not know if difficult child is in control of himself or not. If he is not in control then these things would happen whether I was there or not. And I need to see these things so I can relate the information to the psychologist/psychiatrist. We cannot help difficult child unless we know what is happening. I may be able to see things the teacher does not. And believe me..having me there is his worst nightmare. That is my "motive".

    I did call school district. Ofcourse superintendents secretary was not in. They will leave a message for a return call.

    I spent 5 hours tonight trying to figure out difficult child's math (multi step algebra) and trying to teach him how to do it. We were both tired and both frustrated. He doesn't get it. He struggled through, but I do not think he understands and this will not help on tests or other assignments. now if he were IN class, maybe he would LEARN how.

    When I left for work at 11pm, I have slept 3 hours in the past two days. difficult child was still up struggling through work. I am so tempted to just let him stay home tomorrow. Part of me wants him to just sleep and rest. The other part doesn't want him to miss school. But he is exhausted and I am afraid he might be frustrated and get in trouble. Then again he has two chapter tests tomorrow, (today). on the other hand, would he be doing his best if he is not rested?

    Totally confused
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Kjs, you did brilliantly.

    As for the compromise _ the truth is somewhere between the teachers and difficult child" - sorry, that's a cop-out from the principal. You've already demonstrated that when challenged, the truth generally has turned out to match what difficult child has said. The worst he seems to have ever done here was to lie by omission, he has not at any stage said something happened which didn't. And if that VP gets up YOUR nose, and you're a rational, reasonable adult - then what the H is he doing to difficult child when there are not witnesses? And following which, he then suspends him?

    You need to keep kicking rear ends. In writing - follow up the meeting with your own record. You can take your post here and modify it slightly, in your letter to Principal - "dear Ms Y, thank you for agreeing to see me in today's meeting. I found it very helpful. We discussed the following..." and the above outline, with any emotion removed. You then take the questions you still have and put them in, bang bang bang. "I am at a loss as to why you question my 'motive' for wanting to observe difficult child in class - what motive could I have, other than to see how my child interacts and possibly identify any issues in his behaviour which I can, with this more specific personal observation, work on at home in order to better support the school?"
    Or "I made it very clear that difficult child was to be in class and not kept out of the room. Can you please explain to me why he was not in class, and also why I was not notified as stipulated in the IEP? My work hours were not at issue there; this stipulation is in the IEP for very good reason and we have already had a great deal of difficulty to dare this school year, through failure to follow the IEP (and even failure to acknowledge the existence of the IEP). This IEP is law, it is not a wish list. I will do whatever I must, in order to ensure it is followed to the letter."

    Finish the letter with, "Thank you for your support and cooperation in this." Because you are thanking her IN ANTICIPATION of her being cooperative and supportive, you are giving her a chance to do the right thing and making it clear you are a generous and reasonable person (in contrast to the VP).

    And always bear in mind as you write the letter - you want it to look acceptable to any person higher up the ladder (right up to congressman and media representative) should you ever have to take matters up higher. You want it to look good in court, should you decide to sue them in a few years' time. Even if you have absolutely no intention of ever doing this, make it look good enough to use there anyway, because that is the sort of letter which will get results.

    And if you REALLY want to get nasty, don't email the letter; fax it. because if you fax it, THEY have to pay for the paper! Plus, they automatically have it in hard copy on their desks.

    Having a "cc to..." at the end, with a short list of important but relevant people, is also very useful.

    Good luck - carry on, you're doing great. Meanwhile, if you're having trouble helping difficult child with maths, I know a good (cheap) website he could join to get some really useful assistance. There could be similar ones in the US, or there could be cheap computer software to help. By "cheap" I mean under $100. And if you do this, next time he's missing school let him come home as long as he puts in the work on the computer to study and revise. The best revenge is success, especially when you can legitimately refuse to give the school any credit.