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School - one step forward, two steps back...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 206192" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, I'm back. </p><p></p><p>Shari, the history explains a fair bit here. The problem teacher founded the school and therefore still feels some ownership of it, still feels that she should be able to set the standards. Her daughter probably has similar ideas (from the mother probably pontificating at home and using the school to 'teach' daughter that might is right, daughter is now perfect as a result of these modified attitudes mother learned during raising daughter).</p><p></p><p>Montessori shouldn't be like this. However, it's possible that the school has been generous with this problem teacher because after all, she DID start the school and in their mind deserves a fair bit of leeway. So be prepared for some resistance here, especially from senior staff who worked with her when she was there before.</p><p></p><p>The personality of a founder, especially one who has so thoroughly changed direction and viewpoint although while still (seemingly) claiming to teach the same method (or else why go back to teach there if her views now seem so very different?) - she's a control freak. Her daughter has been Made in Her Image. And with this mindset, in order to live with herself she MUST be proven to be right. So everything she does is geared towards proving her right, by setting everything up to work that way. So a child she believes is a problem will be made to become a problem, by ongoing persecution at a broad level. Other staff are probably being encouraged to believe the problem children (there will be more than one, I don't think this is personal) need the firm hand and are completely bad. Very black and white. The trouble is, this is self-fulfilling (in their minds) because if all they ever see is the bad, even if they have to invent it, then they constantly feel justified in holding these views. You can't tell them. No matter what you say, what the principal says, this teacher and her daughter will not privately change their opinions and will continue to behave the way THEY feel is right, even if they have to wait until nobody is looking in order to continue doing what THEY feel must be done.</p><p>An example: I believe you should put salt in the water when you cook potatoes. husband says that we never did it this way, I've only recently started doing it. I KNOW in my heart that I grew up being taught to put salt in the water when I cook potatoes. husband will watch me to make sure I don't; when he's not looking, I will add salt because I KNOW that without it, the potatoes just don't taste the same, even if you add the salt later. I do it my way when nobody is looking, because to me, the others are wrong and I am right. And after all, it's no big deal.</p><p></p><p>The kind of teacher you describe in the problem teacher - to her, this is no big deal. She has a problem child occasionally come into her sphere of influence and she feels it is her duty to straighten this kid out before it's too late. No mollycoddling, but a firm hand. The kid shouldn't be getting all this extra attention from the aide (who is only making the problem worse, in this teacher's eyes, by giving the child attention when he's misbehaving). Added in with this and what I learned to recognise as a warning sign - when you hear them using language such as "attention-seeking", "oppositional" (which implies to me that the child is being deliberately naughty for his own evil purposes - I think that is so rare that it should never be considered the most likely possibility), "acting out" (whatever THAT is supposed to mean). Terms that are OK, not emotive or pejorative but simply letting you know that there is a problem with the child - "misbehaving", "agitated", "difficult", "distracting".</p><p></p><p>The big warning signs I mentioned in my previous post were the other kid apparently parrotting what this problem teacher had said - it tells me a number of worrying things:</p><p></p><p>1) The teacher is using emotive terms in her dealings with your son - "your behaviour today is just unacceptable" isn't helpful. In what way? How could he be acceptable? At least she said his behaviour was unacceptable, not the child himself. But did she give him any guidance on how to be acceptable? You don't manage these kids with negatives, you use positives. You don't say, "Don't do that," you say, "Do this instead." It is so very basic - but she doesn't get it. This is the same problem we had with difficult child 3's last mainstream teacher who is so determined that she knows best, that she has finally got to the point where she has refused all therapists, parents, etc permission to sit in on her classes to observe. She could be challenged on this by someone making a complaint, but she is such a forceful person nobody has yet dared to do so.</p><p></p><p>2) The teacher has said what she said, in front of the other kids. Chances are she's said it multiple times to her audience because otherwise it wouldn't have so thoroughly impressed the 5 year old who spoke to you. It was announced to the class repeatedly, I suspect. Maybe even asked the opinion of the other kids - "Don't you think difficult child's behaviour has been unacceptable today?" although I AM only guessing here. It is also possible (again, conjecture) that she used the opportunity to explain what "unacceptable" means. I speak from experience - I will explain in a minute.</p><p></p><p>3) The child said these things to you and was not corrected. It probably sounded rehearsed - they may have been already saying to difficult child before you arrived. The other children, I mean. Or at least this one.</p><p></p><p>The huge problem with this, is a teacher apparently not only handling a difficult child inappropriately (and making things much worse) but recruiting children to continue her "work".</p><p></p><p>I said I speak from experience - I was one of these "problem children" according to the sewing teacher I had in primary school. OUr first sewing teacher was lovely - gentle, kind, very good at teaching sewing. Then one day we had to say goodbye and the next week the new sewing teacher was the principal's wife. She was a bullying cow - I'm being kind. She may have known how to sew but I didn't feel she was as good as our previous teacher. She certainly wasn't much good with kids, although she quickly found her favourites and would use them to control the rest of us. To put it simply - she was cruel. So was her husband. One day a boy had forgotten his homework set by the principal so he made this boy stand out the front of the class, found a part of the boys' name that could be twisted to sound like "fool" and made him look up the word in the dictionary and read it aloud to the class. We were in Grade 5. At about the same time his wife, in sewing class, had put in place a rule that said we HAD to show our work to her before we could proceed. I was made to sit up the back of the room. Only one student at a time was permitted to be on their feet, so we had to wait until a student at her desk was finished and had sat down before we could stand up and go to her desk with our work. Because of where I was made to sit (despite being a glasses wearer and doctors' letters saying I had to sit up the front) I never got the chance to get to her desk to have my work looked at. So I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for my chance - so she called me an exhibitionist, in front of the class. Then told everyone in great detail what it meant. She actually coached the other girls in how to pronounce the word! When the mean girls (her favourites) grabbed at this and began to call me this in their name-calling, she sat there and let them.</p><p>I had no recourse - who could I complain to? In my mother's eyes teachers were the final authority, she would believe an adult before she would believe a child.</p><p>The one thing that convinced my mother (too late - but by then I had graduated out of that school) was when this nasty excuse for a teacher gave me the lowest mark possible, in sewing. Another girl got the same low mark - and because I had done so well in the written exam, she had to 'fudge' my practical mark to a ridiculously low level to do this. A practical mark of something like 5&#37; - what at the time, aged 10, I had been making my own clothes for school? Admittedly with my mother's help, but I KNEW how to sew.</p><p></p><p>THIS is why I worry for your son, Shari. OK, my nasty teacher was able to get away with far more than can be done these days, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still happen A LOT. It's just become sneakier.</p><p></p><p>Your son's reaction - I can feel it. I remember feeling incredibly anxious and tense on sewing class days, or classes with the principal. I finally worked out how to mentally prepare myself and not let it touch me - and that made him even angrier when he realised I was now not reacting in the way a child was supposed to react - with fear, tears. </p><p></p><p>Your son is much younger than I was and is far less well-equipped. He needs you to go fight for him. A lot of damage has already been done - if that 5 year old said what he said to you, then he felt VERY confident in doing so. He knew it was permitted, it was OK to do this because someone had let him believe this.</p><p></p><p>This is subtle stuff, I don't know if the director will take this on board. To do so will be to challenge this matriarch of the school. All you can do is try, be prepared to be politely persistent (be polite - she won't be expecting it and it will make sure YOU are the good guy).</p><p></p><p>The best thing you can do now - DON'T back away from any of this, don't let yourself be persuaded that you're making a fuss over nothing. If the nasty teacher tries to say that none of this happened, that your son is making it all up (or you are), or says that she has been misunderstood, she never meant for anything to be heard by the other kids, or that she has never said anything to upset difficult child - whatever she says, your ultimate answer can always be, "Even if you never intended to harm him, he HAS been harmed. Your words and actions have upset him and it was not justified, in my eyes. Nothing you can say now can change my opinion on this."</p><p>Basically, if necessary bring it back down to, "You and I will have to agree to differ." There is also the important point that THE CHILD is supposed to be the focus here, not the teacher. In a case of sexual abuse, for example, if the child feels threatened or uncomfortable then it doesn't matter how innocent the adult's intention was, the adult has done the wrong thing; an adult is supposed to use their wisdom, training and experience to keep the child safe and unharmed. Think of the Hippocratic Oath - "First, do no harm." Teachers aren't doctors but similar principles should apply, especially in Montessori.</p><p></p><p>Document it. I know I've said before that you should keep a letter to under a page - what you've told us here goes way over a page. So what I suggest - diarise. Dates, times, places, details. Be unemotional, make it sound like a police report if necessary. Be clinical. Then use it as an appendix to your letter.</p><p></p><p>In your letter, you begin with the problem as you see it. First sentence. "I believe my son has been badly treated by this woman and her daughter. What I believe my son has endured goes against the IEP, goes against good teaching practices and goes against the principles of Montessori."</p><p>You then have to say WHY. Again, you don't need to be detailed here, just a quick summary and a referral to the appendix for detailed report.</p><p>You then say what you want the school to do. If necessary, you may say what you will do if they do not; you can also say what you will do if the school complies. This can be something positive like "If I feel I can trust this school to ensure my son's IEP is adhered to, that his aide be permitted access to him and to be permitted to do her job in supporting him, then I will feel less overloaded and perhaps have more capability to continue my work on the parent's committee. While I am constantly having to deal with these problems, I am not able to accomplish the many things I would like to achieve for this school."</p><p> Or whatever - find a way of saying it.</p><p></p><p>Sell it. Make it clear that yes, what has been happening to your son is wrong. Make the point tat you are not claiming your son has been singled out; the sad thing is, if she is teaching this way, she is damaging many more kids than your son; a child who is taught to be a bully is still a victim too. This is so far removed from what Montessori is about, that I'm sure a lot of other parents would be horrified to know about this. Why do parents put their kids in Montessori? How would these parents react if they somehow found out? Because find out they will - even if their child is not being bullied, merely observing what is happening will change their behaviour at home, parents will notice. As for the children more actively involved (such as that five year old) - those parents surely will see changes and want to ask questions.</p><p></p><p>If necessary, mention the legal ramifications of the school being notified of this in writing, but dragging their heels to the point where other parents get upset at what happens to their children and take legal action.</p><p></p><p>Of course you wouldn't stand at the school gate and tell all the other parents. Of course not... but kids will talk. Other parents will talk. Legally, you are free to talk (I think - check it out, but I can't see why not).</p><p></p><p>This could be a good time to get an advocate working with you on this. Someone who is good at conflict resolution would be good.</p><p></p><p>The director could be either:</p><p></p><p>1) A very nice person with strong ideas on how things should work, who will drag tis teacher and her daughter in, make their position very clear and who will follow through to resolve everything to your satisfaction; or</p><p></p><p>2) A weak person thoroughly browbeaten by this teacher who will try to find a solution that pleases everybody, or at least sweeps as much of it under the carpet as possible. A politician, in other words. Such a person will sound outraged on your son's behalf, will tell you they will "look into it", will assure you that nobody else has yet reported a problem but OF COURSE it will be given serious consideration; will be comforting, etc but will actually DO nothing. When challenged, OF COURSE they've been very busy (with a range of things pulled out of a hat at this point all more urgent). Here is where you make it clear tat you know the difference between "urgent" and "important". A spilt glass of water is urgent. An upcoming school concert that will be attended by the state governor is important. Urgent has to be dealt with now, but may not be important in the scheme of things. Make sure you can pin people down where you need to.</p><p></p><p>Sorry this is so long - but this has been very nasty and while superficially it doesn't seem that big a deal, I think it's like the iceberg - there is something very big and dangerous underneath the surface, adding to your problems (and difficult child's) when in fact they should be reducing his problems.</p><p></p><p>Shari, if at any time you feel the need to become a mother tiger, give way to it. Continue to be polite and keep control, but otherwise don't be fobbed off. I think they've done that successfully too much already.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 206192, member: 1991"] OK, I'm back. Shari, the history explains a fair bit here. The problem teacher founded the school and therefore still feels some ownership of it, still feels that she should be able to set the standards. Her daughter probably has similar ideas (from the mother probably pontificating at home and using the school to 'teach' daughter that might is right, daughter is now perfect as a result of these modified attitudes mother learned during raising daughter). Montessori shouldn't be like this. However, it's possible that the school has been generous with this problem teacher because after all, she DID start the school and in their mind deserves a fair bit of leeway. So be prepared for some resistance here, especially from senior staff who worked with her when she was there before. The personality of a founder, especially one who has so thoroughly changed direction and viewpoint although while still (seemingly) claiming to teach the same method (or else why go back to teach there if her views now seem so very different?) - she's a control freak. Her daughter has been Made in Her Image. And with this mindset, in order to live with herself she MUST be proven to be right. So everything she does is geared towards proving her right, by setting everything up to work that way. So a child she believes is a problem will be made to become a problem, by ongoing persecution at a broad level. Other staff are probably being encouraged to believe the problem children (there will be more than one, I don't think this is personal) need the firm hand and are completely bad. Very black and white. The trouble is, this is self-fulfilling (in their minds) because if all they ever see is the bad, even if they have to invent it, then they constantly feel justified in holding these views. You can't tell them. No matter what you say, what the principal says, this teacher and her daughter will not privately change their opinions and will continue to behave the way THEY feel is right, even if they have to wait until nobody is looking in order to continue doing what THEY feel must be done. An example: I believe you should put salt in the water when you cook potatoes. husband says that we never did it this way, I've only recently started doing it. I KNOW in my heart that I grew up being taught to put salt in the water when I cook potatoes. husband will watch me to make sure I don't; when he's not looking, I will add salt because I KNOW that without it, the potatoes just don't taste the same, even if you add the salt later. I do it my way when nobody is looking, because to me, the others are wrong and I am right. And after all, it's no big deal. The kind of teacher you describe in the problem teacher - to her, this is no big deal. She has a problem child occasionally come into her sphere of influence and she feels it is her duty to straighten this kid out before it's too late. No mollycoddling, but a firm hand. The kid shouldn't be getting all this extra attention from the aide (who is only making the problem worse, in this teacher's eyes, by giving the child attention when he's misbehaving). Added in with this and what I learned to recognise as a warning sign - when you hear them using language such as "attention-seeking", "oppositional" (which implies to me that the child is being deliberately naughty for his own evil purposes - I think that is so rare that it should never be considered the most likely possibility), "acting out" (whatever THAT is supposed to mean). Terms that are OK, not emotive or pejorative but simply letting you know that there is a problem with the child - "misbehaving", "agitated", "difficult", "distracting". The big warning signs I mentioned in my previous post were the other kid apparently parrotting what this problem teacher had said - it tells me a number of worrying things: 1) The teacher is using emotive terms in her dealings with your son - "your behaviour today is just unacceptable" isn't helpful. In what way? How could he be acceptable? At least she said his behaviour was unacceptable, not the child himself. But did she give him any guidance on how to be acceptable? You don't manage these kids with negatives, you use positives. You don't say, "Don't do that," you say, "Do this instead." It is so very basic - but she doesn't get it. This is the same problem we had with difficult child 3's last mainstream teacher who is so determined that she knows best, that she has finally got to the point where she has refused all therapists, parents, etc permission to sit in on her classes to observe. She could be challenged on this by someone making a complaint, but she is such a forceful person nobody has yet dared to do so. 2) The teacher has said what she said, in front of the other kids. Chances are she's said it multiple times to her audience because otherwise it wouldn't have so thoroughly impressed the 5 year old who spoke to you. It was announced to the class repeatedly, I suspect. Maybe even asked the opinion of the other kids - "Don't you think difficult child's behaviour has been unacceptable today?" although I AM only guessing here. It is also possible (again, conjecture) that she used the opportunity to explain what "unacceptable" means. I speak from experience - I will explain in a minute. 3) The child said these things to you and was not corrected. It probably sounded rehearsed - they may have been already saying to difficult child before you arrived. The other children, I mean. Or at least this one. The huge problem with this, is a teacher apparently not only handling a difficult child inappropriately (and making things much worse) but recruiting children to continue her "work". I said I speak from experience - I was one of these "problem children" according to the sewing teacher I had in primary school. OUr first sewing teacher was lovely - gentle, kind, very good at teaching sewing. Then one day we had to say goodbye and the next week the new sewing teacher was the principal's wife. She was a bullying cow - I'm being kind. She may have known how to sew but I didn't feel she was as good as our previous teacher. She certainly wasn't much good with kids, although she quickly found her favourites and would use them to control the rest of us. To put it simply - she was cruel. So was her husband. One day a boy had forgotten his homework set by the principal so he made this boy stand out the front of the class, found a part of the boys' name that could be twisted to sound like "fool" and made him look up the word in the dictionary and read it aloud to the class. We were in Grade 5. At about the same time his wife, in sewing class, had put in place a rule that said we HAD to show our work to her before we could proceed. I was made to sit up the back of the room. Only one student at a time was permitted to be on their feet, so we had to wait until a student at her desk was finished and had sat down before we could stand up and go to her desk with our work. Because of where I was made to sit (despite being a glasses wearer and doctors' letters saying I had to sit up the front) I never got the chance to get to her desk to have my work looked at. So I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for my chance - so she called me an exhibitionist, in front of the class. Then told everyone in great detail what it meant. She actually coached the other girls in how to pronounce the word! When the mean girls (her favourites) grabbed at this and began to call me this in their name-calling, she sat there and let them. I had no recourse - who could I complain to? In my mother's eyes teachers were the final authority, she would believe an adult before she would believe a child. The one thing that convinced my mother (too late - but by then I had graduated out of that school) was when this nasty excuse for a teacher gave me the lowest mark possible, in sewing. Another girl got the same low mark - and because I had done so well in the written exam, she had to 'fudge' my practical mark to a ridiculously low level to do this. A practical mark of something like 5% - what at the time, aged 10, I had been making my own clothes for school? Admittedly with my mother's help, but I KNEW how to sew. THIS is why I worry for your son, Shari. OK, my nasty teacher was able to get away with far more than can be done these days, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still happen A LOT. It's just become sneakier. Your son's reaction - I can feel it. I remember feeling incredibly anxious and tense on sewing class days, or classes with the principal. I finally worked out how to mentally prepare myself and not let it touch me - and that made him even angrier when he realised I was now not reacting in the way a child was supposed to react - with fear, tears. Your son is much younger than I was and is far less well-equipped. He needs you to go fight for him. A lot of damage has already been done - if that 5 year old said what he said to you, then he felt VERY confident in doing so. He knew it was permitted, it was OK to do this because someone had let him believe this. This is subtle stuff, I don't know if the director will take this on board. To do so will be to challenge this matriarch of the school. All you can do is try, be prepared to be politely persistent (be polite - she won't be expecting it and it will make sure YOU are the good guy). The best thing you can do now - DON'T back away from any of this, don't let yourself be persuaded that you're making a fuss over nothing. If the nasty teacher tries to say that none of this happened, that your son is making it all up (or you are), or says that she has been misunderstood, she never meant for anything to be heard by the other kids, or that she has never said anything to upset difficult child - whatever she says, your ultimate answer can always be, "Even if you never intended to harm him, he HAS been harmed. Your words and actions have upset him and it was not justified, in my eyes. Nothing you can say now can change my opinion on this." Basically, if necessary bring it back down to, "You and I will have to agree to differ." There is also the important point that THE CHILD is supposed to be the focus here, not the teacher. In a case of sexual abuse, for example, if the child feels threatened or uncomfortable then it doesn't matter how innocent the adult's intention was, the adult has done the wrong thing; an adult is supposed to use their wisdom, training and experience to keep the child safe and unharmed. Think of the Hippocratic Oath - "First, do no harm." Teachers aren't doctors but similar principles should apply, especially in Montessori. Document it. I know I've said before that you should keep a letter to under a page - what you've told us here goes way over a page. So what I suggest - diarise. Dates, times, places, details. Be unemotional, make it sound like a police report if necessary. Be clinical. Then use it as an appendix to your letter. In your letter, you begin with the problem as you see it. First sentence. "I believe my son has been badly treated by this woman and her daughter. What I believe my son has endured goes against the IEP, goes against good teaching practices and goes against the principles of Montessori." You then have to say WHY. Again, you don't need to be detailed here, just a quick summary and a referral to the appendix for detailed report. You then say what you want the school to do. If necessary, you may say what you will do if they do not; you can also say what you will do if the school complies. This can be something positive like "If I feel I can trust this school to ensure my son's IEP is adhered to, that his aide be permitted access to him and to be permitted to do her job in supporting him, then I will feel less overloaded and perhaps have more capability to continue my work on the parent's committee. While I am constantly having to deal with these problems, I am not able to accomplish the many things I would like to achieve for this school." Or whatever - find a way of saying it. Sell it. Make it clear that yes, what has been happening to your son is wrong. Make the point tat you are not claiming your son has been singled out; the sad thing is, if she is teaching this way, she is damaging many more kids than your son; a child who is taught to be a bully is still a victim too. This is so far removed from what Montessori is about, that I'm sure a lot of other parents would be horrified to know about this. Why do parents put their kids in Montessori? How would these parents react if they somehow found out? Because find out they will - even if their child is not being bullied, merely observing what is happening will change their behaviour at home, parents will notice. As for the children more actively involved (such as that five year old) - those parents surely will see changes and want to ask questions. If necessary, mention the legal ramifications of the school being notified of this in writing, but dragging their heels to the point where other parents get upset at what happens to their children and take legal action. Of course you wouldn't stand at the school gate and tell all the other parents. Of course not... but kids will talk. Other parents will talk. Legally, you are free to talk (I think - check it out, but I can't see why not). This could be a good time to get an advocate working with you on this. Someone who is good at conflict resolution would be good. The director could be either: 1) A very nice person with strong ideas on how things should work, who will drag tis teacher and her daughter in, make their position very clear and who will follow through to resolve everything to your satisfaction; or 2) A weak person thoroughly browbeaten by this teacher who will try to find a solution that pleases everybody, or at least sweeps as much of it under the carpet as possible. A politician, in other words. Such a person will sound outraged on your son's behalf, will tell you they will "look into it", will assure you that nobody else has yet reported a problem but OF COURSE it will be given serious consideration; will be comforting, etc but will actually DO nothing. When challenged, OF COURSE they've been very busy (with a range of things pulled out of a hat at this point all more urgent). Here is where you make it clear tat you know the difference between "urgent" and "important". A spilt glass of water is urgent. An upcoming school concert that will be attended by the state governor is important. Urgent has to be dealt with now, but may not be important in the scheme of things. Make sure you can pin people down where you need to. Sorry this is so long - but this has been very nasty and while superficially it doesn't seem that big a deal, I think it's like the iceberg - there is something very big and dangerous underneath the surface, adding to your problems (and difficult child's) when in fact they should be reducing his problems. Shari, if at any time you feel the need to become a mother tiger, give way to it. Continue to be polite and keep control, but otherwise don't be fobbed off. I think they've done that successfully too much already. Marg [/QUOTE]
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