Let me see if I understand the moment? (sounds like how I get sometimes):
Company is coming - there is so much extra work to do. No problem because I have extra hands (kids) to help pull this off. I will have them do some of the quick easy tasks and everything will work out fine. Except, these helping hands have decided to go on strike. Great, now I don't only have all this work to do but I need to deal with the out right rebellion. I can't do everything! Why does everyone think I can? What makes my kids firmly believe that they don't ever have to help? How am I going to get ALL this work done in time?
You have just worked yourself up into a frustrating little ball where NOTHING is working out and with the LONG list of things to do where to start first?
Yep, been there, unfortunately, nope, don't know how to end that moment except to say, "Everybody out!! I will talk to each of you later but for now I have work to do!" Send them to their rooms. Whoever will not help is to go to their room until further notice. They can see you are upset. (This is not a time out - this is a stay out of mom's work zone order)
Then, work on a task that takes the most effort - push that vacumm really hard, scrub those windows with your elbow grease - anything to help release some negative energy. Breathe in and out slowly, calm yourself down.
You then go to difficult child's room and politely (like you are talking to a co-worker at work who doesn't have a clue what you need or want and not the son that should know better), "difficult child, I am having a very difficult time getting the house ready for our guests. I would so much appreciate your help. Would you please either 1. Take out the garbage, or 2. Pick up the towels in the bathroom. That would be such a BIG help." If he does follow through, "Oh Thank you so much! You are so helpful!" (Go ahead and overkill the thank yous!) "Can you now do ________?" Keep each task short and easy. If he refuses, then he stays in his room out of the work zone and you talk to him later about family responsibility in helping out. "I don't ask you to help often so when I do, it is very important that you do so."
I have a difficult child who is also 11 yrs old. Like yours, he does not usually clean when I tell him to. I think it is too overwhelming, he can't handle the "Clean your room" command, doesn't know where to start. However, once in a while I can get him to do a specific chore - I need all your dirty clothes in the hamper, bring all the dishes you can find to the kitchen.
Even if you can have him hold a garbage bag while you throw things out? Maybe over time you can get him to take his turn in picking up the garbage while you hold the bag.
Like we do with our difficult children, we can work on ourselves to recognize early signs of anger. You can make a plan of what you need to do to manage that anger. If a shower helps, go ahead and take one. If a computer game helps, go ahead and do that.
Once you have read the Explosive Child, you might want to check out the Manipulative Child. It has opened my eyes to how my difficult child tries to get out of housework and other responsibilities - how he changes the subject, tries to get my focus on anything but what I am asking of hm.
If your difficult child is throwing things (words, not objects) at you to get your mind off his cleaning ("If I do this, can I ______" or "I will do this but you need to ______________" or "If I help, I won't have time for homework") this book may help.
I hope this has helped in some way. I hope someone with more knowledge on panic attacks will be able to help also.
I do understand the feeling of, "Oh brother, now difficult child has outright refused an order. I just can't have that behavior so I need to take time this very second to attend to it." I think that your difficult child is old enough to address the issue at a later time. Just remove him from the situation and try again later.
Sometimes before you can talk to him, you will have reviewed what happened and figure out why he rebelled (Oh, that is right, I did tell him he could watch the show at that time). It will help you discuss the entire situation with more understanding.
Company is coming - there is so much extra work to do. No problem because I have extra hands (kids) to help pull this off. I will have them do some of the quick easy tasks and everything will work out fine. Except, these helping hands have decided to go on strike. Great, now I don't only have all this work to do but I need to deal with the out right rebellion. I can't do everything! Why does everyone think I can? What makes my kids firmly believe that they don't ever have to help? How am I going to get ALL this work done in time?
You have just worked yourself up into a frustrating little ball where NOTHING is working out and with the LONG list of things to do where to start first?
Yep, been there, unfortunately, nope, don't know how to end that moment except to say, "Everybody out!! I will talk to each of you later but for now I have work to do!" Send them to their rooms. Whoever will not help is to go to their room until further notice. They can see you are upset. (This is not a time out - this is a stay out of mom's work zone order)
Then, work on a task that takes the most effort - push that vacumm really hard, scrub those windows with your elbow grease - anything to help release some negative energy. Breathe in and out slowly, calm yourself down.
You then go to difficult child's room and politely (like you are talking to a co-worker at work who doesn't have a clue what you need or want and not the son that should know better), "difficult child, I am having a very difficult time getting the house ready for our guests. I would so much appreciate your help. Would you please either 1. Take out the garbage, or 2. Pick up the towels in the bathroom. That would be such a BIG help." If he does follow through, "Oh Thank you so much! You are so helpful!" (Go ahead and overkill the thank yous!) "Can you now do ________?" Keep each task short and easy. If he refuses, then he stays in his room out of the work zone and you talk to him later about family responsibility in helping out. "I don't ask you to help often so when I do, it is very important that you do so."
I have a difficult child who is also 11 yrs old. Like yours, he does not usually clean when I tell him to. I think it is too overwhelming, he can't handle the "Clean your room" command, doesn't know where to start. However, once in a while I can get him to do a specific chore - I need all your dirty clothes in the hamper, bring all the dishes you can find to the kitchen.
Even if you can have him hold a garbage bag while you throw things out? Maybe over time you can get him to take his turn in picking up the garbage while you hold the bag.
Like we do with our difficult children, we can work on ourselves to recognize early signs of anger. You can make a plan of what you need to do to manage that anger. If a shower helps, go ahead and take one. If a computer game helps, go ahead and do that.
Once you have read the Explosive Child, you might want to check out the Manipulative Child. It has opened my eyes to how my difficult child tries to get out of housework and other responsibilities - how he changes the subject, tries to get my focus on anything but what I am asking of hm.
If your difficult child is throwing things (words, not objects) at you to get your mind off his cleaning ("If I do this, can I ______" or "I will do this but you need to ______________" or "If I help, I won't have time for homework") this book may help.
I hope this has helped in some way. I hope someone with more knowledge on panic attacks will be able to help also.
I do understand the feeling of, "Oh brother, now difficult child has outright refused an order. I just can't have that behavior so I need to take time this very second to attend to it." I think that your difficult child is old enough to address the issue at a later time. Just remove him from the situation and try again later.
Sometimes before you can talk to him, you will have reviewed what happened and figure out why he rebelled (Oh, that is right, I did tell him he could watch the show at that time). It will help you discuss the entire situation with more understanding.
