Screen ALERT -- these are funny!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by gcvmom, Mar 13, 2009.

  1. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Warning: Some of these are NOT p.c.! They sound like something George Carlin would have said (and maybe he did)...




    FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

    1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

    5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

    6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THESELF-HELP SECTION?"SHE REPLIED THAT IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

    7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

    8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HISHANDS WITH SOAP?

    9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

    10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR "SYNONYM"?

    11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL"?

    12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING ANENDANGERED PLANT?

    13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

    14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

    15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

    16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

    17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

    18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHTTO REMAIN SILENT?

    19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

    20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

    21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

    22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHERPEOPLE.

    23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGE-BRA?

    24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

    25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

    26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

    27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

    28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

    29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

    30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF'ASSTEROIDS'?

    31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

    32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

    33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEYBECOME DISORIENTED?

    34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
     
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Making those terrible smothered choking noises you make when you're trying so hard not to laugh out loud at the office!

    Thanks for the howl, GCV
     
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OMG - :surprise:

    #30 - Dasani on a VTech - EEEEEEEEEGHADS -

    Good though - VERY good.
     
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh Star* I am sitting here chuckling over #30 as well.
    Thanks I was just going over my banking...
    I forgot all about how broke we are!
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    :rofl: :rofl:

    Very very good.

    I loved number 30 as well.

    Except I can actually tell you why they're called hemorrhoids. :rofl:

    But that would take the fun out of it. ;)
     
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I live in a household of humourless obsessive compulsives. Well, not humourless. Just different. So when we get sent lists like this, or when we send them on, they often get answers (at lerast those which are questions).

    So to add to the fun, I'm including some of the answers here.

    1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
    Hmm, straightforward. But I would never get a cuddle in summer, or after menopause, if we lived by this.

    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
    That's why they're called tequila slammers - because they slam you to the floor. And if you share them with three friends, it's four on the floor.

    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
    Prophets are permitted, deities are shown the door.

    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
    Because according to evolutionary theory, man didn't evolve from monkeys & apes, pre-man, pre-monkeys and pre-apes evolved from a common ancestor. So the initial premise is wrong.

    5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
    So does Mary Christmas (Mrs Claus). And why do you think SHE is always smiling?

    6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?"SHE REPLIED THAT IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
    That saleswoman sounds like a member of our family. It makes perfect sense to me.

    7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS
    Then there would be no "speaking hypothetically..." answers.

    8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
    No, his eyes. And his brain. It's a messy procedure.

    9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
    Sometimes.See "Blazing Saddles".

    10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR "SYNONYM"?
    No. Neither is there another word for "thesaurus".

    11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL"?
    The city. Duh.

    12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
    Take cuttings. Of either.

    13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
    No, to garnish wages means to sprnkle something tasty on them. But to make him pay for damages, the farmer's wages COULD be garnisheed.

    14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
    "A flea met a fly in a flue. Said the flea, 'Let us fly!' Said the fly, 'Let us flee!' So they flew through a flaw in the flue."
    It would still be called a fly, even if it walks, because it has in every cell the DNA code for wings and therefore the capacity to pass flight on to its offspring.
    And a note of trivia - when talking to my old uni lecturer in Zoology on the subject of "Did you ever pull the wings off flies?" I mentioned how as achildI had tried to tether flies to a stick by tying a piece of fine thread around each fly, but they wouldn't fly at all even though I had been careful to not injure them. The lecturer told me where I had gonoe wrong. "You should have removed the halteres," he said. [Halteres are very tiny vestigial wings found only on members of the insect Order Diptera (flies), they beat out of phase with the two wings and help to provide balance].
    So in the realms of childhood torture of insects, I clearly was outclassed. My uni lecturer must have been a Grand Master!

    15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
    They're waiting for the next stage of evolution to kick in, and create entirely new life-forms. And THEY will clean them!

    16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
    Dead. A turtle's shell is an integral part of its body and spine. If you ever get the chance, have a look at the inside of a turtle shell. Vertebrae are attached to the vault.

    17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
    Not if they're made with animal fats.

    18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
    Yep. Stupid, isn't it? But then - he already IS silent, so REMAINING silent is certainly a right he needs to be informed of.

    19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
    Because they saw that movie, "See No Evil, Hear No Evil".

    20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
    They don't. Deer cross everywhere. But the ones that cross where the signs are, have a higher chance of survival. So do the drivers. Ever been in a car that just hit a deer? Not pretty.

    21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
    Bread.

    22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
    I'm glad you can find one nice thing about egotists. I got sent a list of things in general about egotists -
    Their alarm clocks don't ring, they applaud.
    The only time they don't look in a mirror is when they're backing out of a parking space.
    It only takes one to change a light bulb - they just stand there holding it while the rest of the world revolves around them.

    23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGE-BRA?
    No, she keeps them differentiated (separated) with calculus (or something else made of calcium).

    24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
    No. Personally, I hated infancy.

    25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
    Play chess instead, having agreed beforehand to execute the army of the losers.

    26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
    Probably. They're like lemmings.

    27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
    No, but it would fill you with a massive burst of energy.

    28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
    Failed. And succeeded.

    29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
    The parents of the six year olds of the world.

    30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?
    Because they're actually INSIDE. At least, they start there. If yours are now outside - oh dearie, dearie me.

    31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
    Because it's usually them shooting at us. With cameras, in most cases.

    32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
    Because when it goes off, it REALLY goes way off, way beyond sour. Black, green and furry is definitely expired, in my book. When the sour cream is lurking in the fridge waiting to make a run for it when I open the door - that's when I know it's past the expiry date. Sour cream shouldn't have so much personality that it lies in wait trying to ambush the cat.

    33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
    No, just dizzy. And colourful when they throw up. Or down. Or sideways...

    34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
    He can take out insurance, but will have a devil of a time making a claim...

    Have fun!

    Marg
     
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh Marg I beg to differ! Your family is quite humorous!
    Those were good, I laughed all over again.
     
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    #35. Do people who work for Lipton take coffee breaks?

    These are great!
     
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