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SD has run away...
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<blockquote data-quote="JJJ" data-source="post: 368770" data-attributes="member: 1169"><p>From your first post...</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>You cannot force her to make good choices. Mom can, however, make the results of bad choices as unpleasant as possible. A clear "If...Then" set of rules may help everyone.</p><p></p><p>If you are inappropriate on the internet, then you lose the privilege of using the internet for one week. </p><p>If you leave the house without permission, then you are grounded for one week. (Define grounded: no phone, no internet, no tv, stay in room except meals, etc)</p><p></p><p>Or you can work it the other way</p><p></p><p></p><p>If you are appropriate on the Internet for your 30 minutes today, then you may go on the Internet for 30 minutes tomorrow. </p><p>If you stay at home/school/where you belong for 6 days, then you may go out with friends for 3 hours on Saturday to an approved location.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Spoken as a step-daughter whose step-dad joined my life when I was 11, there is nothing you can do to make her like you. Your mere existence is proof-positive that her family is screwed up, that marriage is not happily-ever-after. Therefore, there is no guarantee that you will stick around, so why bother with you? If she can get you to leave sooner rather than later, why not? (This were all my thoughts at that age. Just to give you hope - my step dad walked me and both of my sister's down the aisle when we each got married. It does get better.)</p><p></p><p>One thing I think is key is that you do not try and act like her parent. That is where the written list of rules and consequences help. If mom creates the list and presents it to SD, possibly in a counseling session, then those are the rules, you do not have to make up any rules/consequences. If she breaks rule #3, simply point out to her that she broke mom's rule #3 and the consequence is X. </p><p></p><p>Is it possible to get her into a YMCA or CSO overnight camp for a couple of weeks, sometimes a break can really help. It will give you and mom respite and a chance to develop the rules (even though these have to be mom's rules, she will likely value your input in what rules are most important -- the list should only have 3-5 rules). It will also give SD a chance to relax away from the tension and hopefully away from any bad influences in the community. </p><p></p><p>(My step-dad was a huge part of my upbringing, I just never knew it until I was an adult because he always worked through my mom. Step dad's can be a huge influence but it does require the patience of a saint and the ability to stay in the background. I think the fact that you are actively searching for help for your family is wonderful and bodes very well for the future.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JJJ, post: 368770, member: 1169"] From your first post... You cannot force her to make good choices. Mom can, however, make the results of bad choices as unpleasant as possible. A clear "If...Then" set of rules may help everyone. If you are inappropriate on the internet, then you lose the privilege of using the internet for one week. If you leave the house without permission, then you are grounded for one week. (Define grounded: no phone, no internet, no tv, stay in room except meals, etc) Or you can work it the other way If you are appropriate on the Internet for your 30 minutes today, then you may go on the Internet for 30 minutes tomorrow. If you stay at home/school/where you belong for 6 days, then you may go out with friends for 3 hours on Saturday to an approved location. Spoken as a step-daughter whose step-dad joined my life when I was 11, there is nothing you can do to make her like you. Your mere existence is proof-positive that her family is screwed up, that marriage is not happily-ever-after. Therefore, there is no guarantee that you will stick around, so why bother with you? If she can get you to leave sooner rather than later, why not? (This were all my thoughts at that age. Just to give you hope - my step dad walked me and both of my sister's down the aisle when we each got married. It does get better.) One thing I think is key is that you do not try and act like her parent. That is where the written list of rules and consequences help. If mom creates the list and presents it to SD, possibly in a counseling session, then those are the rules, you do not have to make up any rules/consequences. If she breaks rule #3, simply point out to her that she broke mom's rule #3 and the consequence is X. Is it possible to get her into a YMCA or CSO overnight camp for a couple of weeks, sometimes a break can really help. It will give you and mom respite and a chance to develop the rules (even though these have to be mom's rules, she will likely value your input in what rules are most important -- the list should only have 3-5 rules). It will also give SD a chance to relax away from the tension and hopefully away from any bad influences in the community. (My step-dad was a huge part of my upbringing, I just never knew it until I was an adult because he always worked through my mom. Step dad's can be a huge influence but it does require the patience of a saint and the ability to stay in the background. I think the fact that you are actively searching for help for your family is wonderful and bodes very well for the future.) [/QUOTE]
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