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Seeking advice on sorting out marriage - stay or go
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<blockquote data-quote="recovering doormat" data-source="post: 279662" data-attributes="member: 5941"><p>First, hugs to you. I struggled with the "do I stay or do I go" question for many years before my ex and I separated, and we separated shortly after my difficult child 2 had been discharged from his third inpatient hospitalziation for anxiety. Unlike your story, I did not have a happy marriage until my children started experiencing emotional trauma. I rushed into a marriage and realized too late that my husband had a lot of his own issues to deal with , but he was not interested in seeking help. So I tried to do it on my own. It didn't work. He was emotionally abusive to me and to a lesser extent the kids, but it was his escalating aggression towards our two older kids that made me leave. He didn't do anything that would get him arrested, but he was psychologically abusive to them. By the time we separated my family had absolutely no use for him. Even his mother, who lived with us, was on my side! (HE was abusive to her as well).</p><p> </p><p>I was emotionally battered, not working outside the home, and had no money of my own when we separated, so the day to day hasn't been easy. And my kids were of an age (14, 11 and 8) five years ago where they experienced a lot of trauma over having to shuttle between two homes (we live four miles apart). To his credit, ex is able to be civil to me for the sake of our kids, and we have not badmouthed each other or gotten ugly in front of them (except for one verbal exchange that got out of hand). Many people who have helped our difficult children remark on how unusual it is that we can be in the same room together! But we do it to lessen the stress on the children.</p><p> </p><p>All I can tell you is, before I moved out, I used to dread the soundof the garage door opening at night. I never knew what kind of mood he would be in, would he be talking to me or not, would he spot a smudge on the wall and demand to know who did it, would he start opening his mail while I'm getting dinner on the table and wrangling the kids away from the tv and the computer, and get on the phone to argue with Amex while we're trying to have a family dinner. That knot is gone. I love my little house that is one-third the size of my marital home. </p><p> </p><p>Filing for divorce didn't mean everything got better that day. Breaking the news to the children was the hardest thing I've ever done, because he insisted on doing it together and he was devastated. Our youngest cried and ran into her room, the middle one looked like he'd been hit over the head with a board, and the 14 year old sneered "What took you so long?" Actually, the two older ones had been begging me for years to divorce him because of his moodiness and anger. But when it actually happened, I didn't get gratitude, rather, attitude over disrupting their lives. Oldest kid went downhill in school, got involved with drugs, middle child was unchanged, youngest had a rough time but with counseling and wonderful teachers, found a haven with school and friends. She's still doing well. ONce in a while the kids will try to guilt trip me now about making them live in two houses, but they have a pretty good deal and they know it.</p><p> </p><p>Don't know if I've made you feel better or worse. Feel free to PM me if you want to know the down and dirty.</p><p> </p><p>Hugs again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recovering doormat, post: 279662, member: 5941"] First, hugs to you. I struggled with the "do I stay or do I go" question for many years before my ex and I separated, and we separated shortly after my difficult child 2 had been discharged from his third inpatient hospitalziation for anxiety. Unlike your story, I did not have a happy marriage until my children started experiencing emotional trauma. I rushed into a marriage and realized too late that my husband had a lot of his own issues to deal with , but he was not interested in seeking help. So I tried to do it on my own. It didn't work. He was emotionally abusive to me and to a lesser extent the kids, but it was his escalating aggression towards our two older kids that made me leave. He didn't do anything that would get him arrested, but he was psychologically abusive to them. By the time we separated my family had absolutely no use for him. Even his mother, who lived with us, was on my side! (HE was abusive to her as well). I was emotionally battered, not working outside the home, and had no money of my own when we separated, so the day to day hasn't been easy. And my kids were of an age (14, 11 and 8) five years ago where they experienced a lot of trauma over having to shuttle between two homes (we live four miles apart). To his credit, ex is able to be civil to me for the sake of our kids, and we have not badmouthed each other or gotten ugly in front of them (except for one verbal exchange that got out of hand). Many people who have helped our difficult children remark on how unusual it is that we can be in the same room together! But we do it to lessen the stress on the children. All I can tell you is, before I moved out, I used to dread the soundof the garage door opening at night. I never knew what kind of mood he would be in, would he be talking to me or not, would he spot a smudge on the wall and demand to know who did it, would he start opening his mail while I'm getting dinner on the table and wrangling the kids away from the tv and the computer, and get on the phone to argue with Amex while we're trying to have a family dinner. That knot is gone. I love my little house that is one-third the size of my marital home. Filing for divorce didn't mean everything got better that day. Breaking the news to the children was the hardest thing I've ever done, because he insisted on doing it together and he was devastated. Our youngest cried and ran into her room, the middle one looked like he'd been hit over the head with a board, and the 14 year old sneered "What took you so long?" Actually, the two older ones had been begging me for years to divorce him because of his moodiness and anger. But when it actually happened, I didn't get gratitude, rather, attitude over disrupting their lives. Oldest kid went downhill in school, got involved with drugs, middle child was unchanged, youngest had a rough time but with counseling and wonderful teachers, found a haven with school and friends. She's still doing well. ONce in a while the kids will try to guilt trip me now about making them live in two houses, but they have a pretty good deal and they know it. Don't know if I've made you feel better or worse. Feel free to PM me if you want to know the down and dirty. Hugs again. [/QUOTE]
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