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Seeking advice on sorting out marriage - stay or go
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 279711" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's very much an individual decision.</p><p></p><p>You mentioned the counselling - how much has he been involved with this in the past? YOu said he's opted out now - what were his reasons?</p><p></p><p>Blokes often aren't good attalking about their feelings (or talking about anything). But they can still hurt. Often more, because tey don't know how to express it.</p><p></p><p>I don't know where he is in this. He could be shutting down to try to use avoidance tactics ("if I don't think about it or acknolwedge it, then it can't hurt me") or he could be simply biding his time waiting for the other shoe to drop.</p><p></p><p>Every relationship has its rocky tiimes. And even the best relationship can fail if it comes against an obstacle that can't be overcome. If the relationship has never been tested, how can you know if it will last? It isn't how well you get on during the happy times, it's how well you can communicate and work as a team when things are tough. </p><p></p><p>Only you can know. Sorry. If we advise you to leave him and get a life, you might find that although you're glad to be away from the bickering and occasional explosions, you really feel lonely. Or you might leave him and wish you hadn't wasted so much time agonising over the decision but done it sooner.</p><p></p><p>My sister was married to a pig of a man. He had little idea of a normal family life. He was controlling. A philanderer. A bully. Inappropriate with her friends, with the children, with me. I could handle it because I didn't take it on board. My sister of course, being married to him, had little choice but to take it all personally. He destroyed her self-esteem systematically over 25 years of marriage. She finally threw him out when she got unavoidable proof he was cheating on her (and sticking her with the international phone bill and the air fares).</p><p></p><p>THen she regretted throwing him out. He had a number of his mistresses dump him as soon as they realised they could "win" the prize but one of them accepted him and married him. Meanwhile sis was raising the kids (who were confused and resentful). She struggled on her own - not necessarily financially, because without him, she at least knew where the bills were coming from. The decision-making was hard especially given her lack of confidence.</p><p></p><p>The crunch came at a family wedding (one which itself failed after 4 months!) at which she was in tears and miserable because she was on her own, the kids were now all independent and she was seeing her life stretching ahead empty. Even her ex was happy, although his second wife was ill.</p><p></p><p>She was amazingly lucky - she met another bloke. He isn't what I would have picked, I can't stand being around him for too long, but he makes HER happy and I will forgive a lot for that.</p><p></p><p>Soon after she met this blooke (now married to him) her ex-husband's wife died. Within weeks (or less) he was round on my sister's doorstep asking her to have him back - he needed someone to look after him.</p><p></p><p>My sister says that if it hadn't been for her new man, she would have taken the (*(*& back.</p><p></p><p>We're glad she didn't. Nobody should ever be that desperate.</p><p></p><p>So you must make your own decision. WHatever you decide, it must be anew beginning and a decision fully endorsed by yourself. You must be fully committed to your choice and make it work.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 279711, member: 1991"] It's very much an individual decision. You mentioned the counselling - how much has he been involved with this in the past? YOu said he's opted out now - what were his reasons? Blokes often aren't good attalking about their feelings (or talking about anything). But they can still hurt. Often more, because tey don't know how to express it. I don't know where he is in this. He could be shutting down to try to use avoidance tactics ("if I don't think about it or acknolwedge it, then it can't hurt me") or he could be simply biding his time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every relationship has its rocky tiimes. And even the best relationship can fail if it comes against an obstacle that can't be overcome. If the relationship has never been tested, how can you know if it will last? It isn't how well you get on during the happy times, it's how well you can communicate and work as a team when things are tough. Only you can know. Sorry. If we advise you to leave him and get a life, you might find that although you're glad to be away from the bickering and occasional explosions, you really feel lonely. Or you might leave him and wish you hadn't wasted so much time agonising over the decision but done it sooner. My sister was married to a pig of a man. He had little idea of a normal family life. He was controlling. A philanderer. A bully. Inappropriate with her friends, with the children, with me. I could handle it because I didn't take it on board. My sister of course, being married to him, had little choice but to take it all personally. He destroyed her self-esteem systematically over 25 years of marriage. She finally threw him out when she got unavoidable proof he was cheating on her (and sticking her with the international phone bill and the air fares). THen she regretted throwing him out. He had a number of his mistresses dump him as soon as they realised they could "win" the prize but one of them accepted him and married him. Meanwhile sis was raising the kids (who were confused and resentful). She struggled on her own - not necessarily financially, because without him, she at least knew where the bills were coming from. The decision-making was hard especially given her lack of confidence. The crunch came at a family wedding (one which itself failed after 4 months!) at which she was in tears and miserable because she was on her own, the kids were now all independent and she was seeing her life stretching ahead empty. Even her ex was happy, although his second wife was ill. She was amazingly lucky - she met another bloke. He isn't what I would have picked, I can't stand being around him for too long, but he makes HER happy and I will forgive a lot for that. Soon after she met this blooke (now married to him) her ex-husband's wife died. Within weeks (or less) he was round on my sister's doorstep asking her to have him back - he needed someone to look after him. My sister says that if it hadn't been for her new man, she would have taken the (*(*& back. We're glad she didn't. Nobody should ever be that desperate. So you must make your own decision. WHatever you decide, it must be anew beginning and a decision fully endorsed by yourself. You must be fully committed to your choice and make it work. Marg [/QUOTE]
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