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Seeking advice on sorting out marriage - stay or go
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<blockquote data-quote="WNC Gal" data-source="post: 318717" data-attributes="member: 3783"><p>Update: Fast-forward to November... I am now starting to file for divorce. I have done a lot of soul searching and reading and seeking counsel from trusted friends. It is a very very challenging decision to leave the marriage. I read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I felt that the book illuminated more areas of concern in the marriage. We have tried counseling but to be honest, it didn't last very long because a) he felt it was too expensive and focused on financial issues with me, and b) I felt like I was going through the motions because my love/passion for him is truly gone.</p><p></p><p>The most challenging part about this is that I am terrified that I am choosing my own happiness over that of the stability and status quo for the kids. And *is* my lack of love/passion for him a sign of my own personal flaws, or just that our marriage has been through too much to recover ? </p><p></p><p>He seems to have dealt with our difficult child's issues (and she is doing just GREAT now by the way) by becoming more cynical and judgemental. I have dealt with her issues (and my feeling like a failed parent) by seeking validation from others.. My self-esteem definitely took a toll.. between worrying about what we were doing wrong to cause her to have all of these horrible issues and my marriage being under such duress. </p><p></p><p>Now my marriage is emotionally neglectful and I feel like a platonic automaton - which has driven me to a string of affairs.. not emotional but physical and for validation. Ending the marriage seems like the fair thing to do.. he, on the one hand, has become cynical, rigid and non-passionate about me - while I, have become a secret serial cheater - not for a true relationship, but for the validation and comfort and affection that I'm not getting at home. I know everybody will say - GET COUNSELING - which I have done in the past.. but counseling will simply rehash the thought processes that I have already been through hundreds of times. Should I stay and get my affection/validation/physical needs met by others? Or stay and attempt to rekindle the passion with my spouse who is a very negative and pessimistic person? Or be honest that the marriage has disintegrated to the point that I don't really *want* to save it.... and even IF we both make drastic changes (I stop cheating and he tries to be a more attentive spouse)... is there anything really left?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WNC Gal, post: 318717, member: 3783"] Update: Fast-forward to November... I am now starting to file for divorce. I have done a lot of soul searching and reading and seeking counsel from trusted friends. It is a very very challenging decision to leave the marriage. I read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I felt that the book illuminated more areas of concern in the marriage. We have tried counseling but to be honest, it didn't last very long because a) he felt it was too expensive and focused on financial issues with me, and b) I felt like I was going through the motions because my love/passion for him is truly gone. The most challenging part about this is that I am terrified that I am choosing my own happiness over that of the stability and status quo for the kids. And *is* my lack of love/passion for him a sign of my own personal flaws, or just that our marriage has been through too much to recover ? He seems to have dealt with our difficult child's issues (and she is doing just GREAT now by the way) by becoming more cynical and judgemental. I have dealt with her issues (and my feeling like a failed parent) by seeking validation from others.. My self-esteem definitely took a toll.. between worrying about what we were doing wrong to cause her to have all of these horrible issues and my marriage being under such duress. Now my marriage is emotionally neglectful and I feel like a platonic automaton - which has driven me to a string of affairs.. not emotional but physical and for validation. Ending the marriage seems like the fair thing to do.. he, on the one hand, has become cynical, rigid and non-passionate about me - while I, have become a secret serial cheater - not for a true relationship, but for the validation and comfort and affection that I'm not getting at home. I know everybody will say - GET COUNSELING - which I have done in the past.. but counseling will simply rehash the thought processes that I have already been through hundreds of times. Should I stay and get my affection/validation/physical needs met by others? Or stay and attempt to rekindle the passion with my spouse who is a very negative and pessimistic person? Or be honest that the marriage has disintegrated to the point that I don't really *want* to save it.... and even IF we both make drastic changes (I stop cheating and he tries to be a more attentive spouse)... is there anything really left? [/QUOTE]
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