Seeking answers for therapeutic placement $$$ on a lean budget

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by On my knees, Feb 8, 2013.

  1. On my knees

    On my knees New Member

    Greetings Veterans.

    Stumbled on this site looking for therapeutic placement options and haves perused some of the threads and even after seeking out some of the acronyms used on here--still don't know what half of them are. So I'll just speak in English.

    Situation is this:

    16 YO daughter with escalating ODD/pathological lying behaviors for the last eight years. High conflict divorce preceded behavior by a year or two. (who was already strong-willed )Lives with me and another younger sister. Went to live with extremely passive father and abusive wife for last 16 months in a nearby city. Came back to live with me 10 days ago. She is worse than before she left.

    We have done counseling in the past to no avail and it didn't last. She has excellent coverage on her father's insurance so I made it mandatory that she go to counseling. First session was last evening. She went alone as I had already met with counselor prior alone as well. At this point I only have her feedback from that meeting. (not fruitful I'm sure) I have set up an arrangement that she will be going weekly. Although she tells me that she will not be going. She says lots of things. From my readings on here I know that I am not alone in living with a profanity-laced, utterly disrespectful, willful defiant, apathetic, self-centered child who is imploding before my eyes. I live with Jekyl and the world sees Hyde.

    She has never responded well to discipline, although easier to "manage" when she was younger. She is a pathological liar and has a very unhealthy internal processing of perceptions.

    The irony is that she is intelligent, gifted athletically, pretty, makes good grades- even in honors classes- but does not apply herself to her optimum. If she could get her act together and keep it together, she could quite possibly be in contention for a scholarship for athletics.

    I could go on and on but am pretty confident that she does not have mental illness---has a bent towards mild hyperactivity (that is channeled into sports) but still is extremely emotionally immature and does not find ways to pacify herself, or organize herself. (at home) ***I'm not in denial, I look for EVERYTHING.

    Also worth mentioning- she is not into drugs, mild experimentation, but I can't even get this girl to take an aspirin. She does have anxiety that she will admit to but I think it is much much more than that and she internalizes it.

    Sounds like a spoiled brat with indulgent passive parenting right? It would to me too. But I can assure you that she has NOT been overindulged, coddled or manipulated me. (That is part of her rub, it doesn't work on me.)

    Bottom line is this....I need to remove her from my home. Do not think the counseling will garner much traction but will stick with it and require it of her until I can get a plan B in action. Don't know if I can wait until this semester of school is over. I am living an absolute nightmare. And it is adversely affecting my 14 yo other daughter.(Who is a different bird and only have "normal" teenage issues with.) And I refuse to live this way.

    Have been all over the net looking into therapeutic wilderness programs---she is not extremely prissy and it would be potentially a therapeutic setting for her,as well as therapeutic residential schools. Have even looking into state run residential option (relinquishing parental rights as I'm reading in some cases). Returning to her father's house not a good idea.
    Step-mom abusive. He allows it and does not protect her. She and her father have about the same emotional maturity, but he's fun to be around sometimes.

    As many of you, know these facilities and programs are astronomically priced. There is no way I could afford these.

    I have not a clue what to do. I need a miracle. And I'm pretty tapped at spinning my wheels on the net researching etc. Not to mention the regurgitation of the case study.

    I have been proactive about this for years. Altered my parenting, have made mistakes as we all do with our 1st born. Read dozens of books, remained consistent, but I live not in guilt for what I have or haven't done.
    All that said, I realize that she is crying out for help, Yet I can't make her be receptive or responsive.

    This is her problem, her choices and consequences.

    Reprieve.

    Sigh.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2013
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    A 16 year old with good grades in honors classes and minimal issues at school may be a good canidate for a summer internship or charity work. Maybe the school counselor can suggest it, you can act like you don't think it is a good idea, and let her convince you to let her go. Much cheaper than a TBS.
     
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Slightly off topic, but... has she ever had a comprehensive evaluation? If not... you really don't know what you are dealing with, which makes the whole situation much more difficult.
     
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Onmyknees, Welcome to our corner of the world. It sounds like you have your hands full. I'm wondering too,if she has ever been evaluated by a neuro-psychologist and/or a child psychiatrist? This can provide useful information for child and parent.

    I do like JJJ's suggestion of charity work or an internship.
     
  5. On my knees

    On my knees New Member

    Thanks for the suggestions. She has not been comprehensively professionally assessed or medicated to the level that apparently this entire site has been...lots of labels attached to names. I have broached the subject with counselors (school and otherwise in the past) of the possibility of ADHD as well as really observed her. I am probably the best information source since I know all of her antics and the trauma that she has endured and to some degree caused. There is much in the way of variables as this is complicated. She is a case study indeed. She had a part time job when living with her father and that is the plan for her here as well as soon as spring sports concludes. The busier she is the better.

    I believe in my core than she needs a therapeutic residential placement to render tangible results and that was the basis for entering the forum, as to any tools, resources on that front.

    Thanks again.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm wondering if her very early years were full of chaos. She has some traits of attachment disorder.

    I'm not convinced that there isn't something triggering her behavior other than poor choices. Tell us about her life as an infant and toddler and if she suffered any abuse etc. Did she end up going back and forth between caregivers?

    I think she should have been evaluated and it's not too late to do that now. I would go with a neuropsychologist. Good luck! Oh, yes, and welcome :) We are always here for you.
     
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Have you contacted Boys Town in Nebraska? They accept boys and girls, sliding scale and they help with finding other placements. We never had childgo there but they did give us some good contacts.
     
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Here is what I did when we NEEDED a placement for the safety of the rest of the family and we had zero money. I called a priest I knew. I told him the worst of the problems, and asked if he knew of any groups that could help. He didn't know of any, but he knew of someone who might. I took that number, called them, and did it all over again. I kept a notebook of everyone I called and their group, the other places they suggested I call, and I called those places too. I filled two hundred page notebooks iwth contacts, and eventually found two places that agreed to help if I would do volunteer work for them. I am a kick-azz fundraiser, with decades of experience and some top earning projects, so I knew I could help if they woudl help me. At the last minute, my child did something very violent and dangerous and ended up in a locked psychiatric hospital ward paid for by the state kids' insurance that we had for four months. He was psychotic, sent that way by a teacher, and I managed to prove this legally. At that point, I still helped the group, but didn't send him to them because it was not appropriate.

    If he had not been violent, we would not have gotten help with-o all those calls. I cried on the phone to some people, and with many that is the ONLY reason they helped. They were not fake tears, I was flat out terrified that one of us was going to be seriously hurt if we didn't get him somewhere asap.

    I also had a long talk with the school resource officer, who gave me a list of places that made our therapist's jaw drop. she had twenty years in this area and didn't know half of them existed. She was thrilled hwen I let her make several copies because there were 30+ places with names of directors and phone numbers on there. So be sure to go to her school and ask the resource officer for help.

    I wish you the best.
     
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Sometimes I think the system is designed to be discouraging, so that only the most desperate parents can find the resources.
     
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