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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 650528" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I don't ever ask a question when my difficult lovebug complains. I don't want to ask an "open" question that gets him mouthing off again and can be used to abuse. I tend to close things down. I listen calmly and say things like, "Wow" or "Hmmm" or "that's odd" or "interesting." If it gets abusive anyway, I say, "Oh, darn, the doorbell! Talk later!" Or sometimes I am frank and say, again very calmly, "When you can talk to me with respect in the calm voice, we will talk again. Got to go." *click*</p><p></p><p>I found that any question was met with a response (not a productive answer) that was filled with why I never do anything and I'm no good and the like so I quit asking questions when difficult child was in a "woe is me" mood. </p><p></p><p>I like to keep the control/upper hand so that if Bart is being a PITA, at least he still respects me. These adult kids tend to respect you more if you do NOT let them throw you around and refuse to take their abuse. They may "punish" you in various ways, but they still respect you more and I also believe they are eventually nicer more often if you stand your ground and don't act scared/intimidated by their nonsense words. Nothing makes them more powerful (in their eyes) then to get out one last burst of abuse that hurts us and then THEY decide to get off the phone or stop texting. Often they use passive ways to keep it going, like nasty FB posts, which is why I never engage in FB when Bart is angry at me.</p><p></p><p>It seems childish and silly, like a baby game, to say that the person who ends the interaction has taken the power in this sick game, but I do think that this is how our difficult sweeties see it. It's a game and they need to "win." Calmness with them actually helps them quiet down and gives them less to brood about. And it tells them, without telling them, that they are not in charge of you and that you are in full control of how you react to them, even if you can't change their behavior.</p><p></p><p>Just my .02</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 650528, member: 1550"] I don't ever ask a question when my difficult lovebug complains. I don't want to ask an "open" question that gets him mouthing off again and can be used to abuse. I tend to close things down. I listen calmly and say things like, "Wow" or "Hmmm" or "that's odd" or "interesting." If it gets abusive anyway, I say, "Oh, darn, the doorbell! Talk later!" Or sometimes I am frank and say, again very calmly, "When you can talk to me with respect in the calm voice, we will talk again. Got to go." *click* I found that any question was met with a response (not a productive answer) that was filled with why I never do anything and I'm no good and the like so I quit asking questions when difficult child was in a "woe is me" mood. I like to keep the control/upper hand so that if Bart is being a PITA, at least he still respects me. These adult kids tend to respect you more if you do NOT let them throw you around and refuse to take their abuse. They may "punish" you in various ways, but they still respect you more and I also believe they are eventually nicer more often if you stand your ground and don't act scared/intimidated by their nonsense words. Nothing makes them more powerful (in their eyes) then to get out one last burst of abuse that hurts us and then THEY decide to get off the phone or stop texting. Often they use passive ways to keep it going, like nasty FB posts, which is why I never engage in FB when Bart is angry at me. It seems childish and silly, like a baby game, to say that the person who ends the interaction has taken the power in this sick game, but I do think that this is how our difficult sweeties see it. It's a game and they need to "win." Calmness with them actually helps them quiet down and gives them less to brood about. And it tells them, without telling them, that they are not in charge of you and that you are in full control of how you react to them, even if you can't change their behavior. Just my .02 [/QUOTE]
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