Self destruct?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by witzend, Sep 25, 2008.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Anyone get tempted to go on Self Destruct when things are falling apart? This might apply to the PE forum more because with no kids at home there's really no reason to hold back on "TAWANA!" I mean, do you ever just think, "What the heck? That person who took advantage of my good nature is paying for eternity for abusing my help even if it makes me look like a big meany." "I'm ticked and I'm going to go on a bender for a week." "I want to smoke and I'm going to buy a pack and smoke them all tonight." It's the wanting to smoke that scares me most. I loved smoking and the only reason I was able to quit was that I got a blood clot on my lung and I couldn't breathe let alone go to the store for smokes for two months. Right now, I don't care much. I'm feeling super selfish. Unfortunately the selfish things are all self-destructive, and I've been holding back on acting out because I worry what people will think. Right now, I don't give a rat's rear end what people think.

    So, what do you gals do? How long do you ride the pity wagon? When is it getting you down and when is giving in and buying that pack of smokes saving your sanity?
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Wow, Witz, I'm sorry you are feeling this low. I can't help you with the smoking, since I won't lie about it- I smoke outside the house. But, I hope you don't give into going back with the clot it caused you before.

    Now, regarding self-destructive thoughts or actions. I think some of us are prone to it. I think we grew up internalizing things and blaming ourselves, and maybe there is even a genetic component related to depression, yadda, yadda...

    Bottom line, it is something I have to fight sometimes, and lately it's been a fight. I visualize that negative, self-perpetuating "wheel" as something I don't ever want to be on again. It's too hard to get off of. This is easier said than done right now for me, but if you can force yourself to do something you enjoy and that will make you feel better about yourself, it will be much more strengthening for you then slipping backwards. I'm not suggesting that you become a martyr or give all your valuables to charity, but If you've been intending to get back into painting, or reading, or refinish a piece of furniture, or whatever, and can force yourself to do it, it would probably make you feel better.

    If it doesn't or if you need a night out with the girls to vent and get your mind off things before you can even try that, give me a call, we'll go hang out and b***ch about our frustrations, eat well, sleep it off, then maybe we can get motivated tomorrow. :D
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    A few days after K took off with the kids..........I drank 5 people under the table. I started off with screwdrivers. Two actually had OJ in 2 of them. I didn't stop until I'd finished 2 5ths of the good vodka.

    My kids had never, ever seen me drink alcohol. (hadn't planned on it that night either, they were in bed) I hadn't touched the stuff in well over 16 yrs. Last time I'd had it I went into acute renal failure. Didn't care. husband was mad when I bought the vodka. Didn't care. Best friend knew it was serious because I don't drink. Didn't care.

    I'm not a crier. Most anyone sees out of me is a few tears leaking. But I knew I needed to release emotion or I was going to need to be locked up. I was halfway thru the 2nd bottle when the sobs hit. I sobbed so bad I went hoarse. They were so powerful I couldn't stand.

    It wasn't pretty. I didn't care. My family and best friend were utterly shocked. So what?

    I was able to release some of the grief that was killing me. The next morning nothing had changed, but I had. I could move forward and begin to cope. I've not touched alcohol in the 6 yrs since either.

    Sometimes, my dear friend, we just gotta do what we gotta do. Not saying you should smoke or drink or whatever. But in answer to your question.....I don't think a bit of cutting loose when it's truely needed is bad. Self destruct might not be such a grand idea. (I'd be afraid I'd never come back)

    I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Wish I could reach right thru this screen and give you big warm hugs.

  4. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I was sitting here and actually had to think about whether I ever did this or not, and the answer is not that I can recall.

    I am by nature overly optomistic, and I just don't let any negativity or drama have any long lasting effect on me. Not that I don't get upset, and stew for a day or so, but not to the point where a bender of any kindwould ever entered my head. My take is whats the point. Who is going to be feeling bad the next day besides me LOL

  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I give myself a set time to have my pity party or I'd bury myself in it. It would turn ugly.

    The smokes (I'm down to 6 most days) have kept me sane. They are my time out (we smoke outside - even in cold MN).

    We both know that smoking is bad for our health ~ I yell at God & ask "what health"? How selfish is that? I'm resentful of the differences of me 15 months ago & me today.

    Is this what you mean, witz? Either way, I have to limit my pity parties or I go under big time.
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Witz, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I try so hard to not let things get to me. I have not had a bender in years---I think the last time was my nephew's wedding. At that time I knew that something was going on with husband. I suspected drugs---but I would ask and be shot down. I felt like maybe I was the one who was crazy. The bender helped in that the hangover was so bad the next day that I swore I'd never do it again and then went to work trying to get things straight in case my suspensions were right.
    I can't comment on the smoking---that is the one monkey I can't get off my back
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I think to some degree, at some point in time during stressful events, most of us have had thoughts like you're having. For me they have just been thoughts. I think too, like Marcie "Who would I hurt?" and in the end I have to say "Myself."

    I've had enough people abuse me in my life. I've done my level best to rise above it, get therapy, find humor or be slightly sarcastic about some situations to survive.

    Smoking is not the answer if it's going to kill you. You are precious and we need you - as healthy as you can be.

    I guess when I feel myself getting like this or going into a deep depression I do my best to find other things to occupy my time. It's not easy. Depression is a whole lot easier to accept for me than finding a silver lining. Depression doesn't require a lot of work - just go to sleep, feel hopeless and let go. Finding a silver lining means getting myself up, out and active.....and there are days that I just do not want to be perky, cheerful, happy, or caring. I'd rather be miserable and cranky - and irritable, and lash out, and hurtful. I am human, I do hurt, I am occasionally fighting sickness and until cheerful became my habit? Cranky was easier.

    But when I get like that? I'd rather be alone to work things out. I don't know what you need to allow yourself to work it out - but you should work towards that goal and allow yourself time. Time to accept being how you are at that moment. And I think we DO overcome, more than we realize....especially with our kids and our health - so when something like this comes over us - it really rains down and we feel like we're drowning instead of looking for a lifejacket and rescue boat. We've gotten so accustomed to picking OURSELVES up - when we get to the next level of depression and it takes us a while longer to work things out - and while we're working it out....we can get like you are now.

    As far as smoking and really wanting one? Go get some Tootsie Roll lollipops. That will help with the hand to mouth habit. Also natural licorice root helps with the hand to mouth, but the taste in between your lips on your tongue is VERY similar to a cigarettes taste. It's a little spendy at health food stores....but worth it. And lastly - Google things like Cancerous lungs, or the Amercian Cancer Society web site for pictures of people who have died from cigarettes. My father was one of them. It makes me angry to this day to think that his generation was encourage to smoke even though later in life the precautions were out. I miss him.

    I don't want to have to write here - I miss her.

    Get me kiddo?

    Hugs -