It was hard for me to say those words, too. The reason it was hard to say no had nothing to do with difficult child. It had to do with me. Until I knew in my own heart that helping difficult child was only helping his addiction to destroy him, I just could not make those words, "You cannot live at home." come out of my mouth.
"No, I will not send money." was pretty hard to say, too.
When we were in your situation, I would convince myself that I could allow difficult child home for just a few days. Then, I would convince myself that this time, things would be better ~ or that I was strong enough now to do what needed to be done when the necessity arose.
None of those things were true.
The thing that makes it all so hard is that the child (however old he is) IS serious, some of the time, about wanting his life to go in a different direction. What we have to make ourselves remember though is that it is the addiction, not the child, that is in control.
And the last thing that addiction wants is a different path or a better life.
Once the addiction is beat, your son will not need your help.
Until the addiction is beat, helping is not helping.
So, the only answer any of us can give our addicted kids, however old they are (my son just turned thirty-three) is NO.
Literally, everything we give them while they are addicted serves the addiction.
It is never going to get any easier to say no, Susan.
You have to do it, anyway.
Helping your son stay addicted, sympathizing with him over withdrawal, pretending with him that the addiction is only to prescription drugs ~ all those actions are bad things.
When your son tells you about Xanax, tell him he can never use that ~ or any addictive drug ~ again. Take that opportunity to tell him it was the addiction that got him where he is, and that using drugs of any kind will see his life destroyed.
Then, tell him you love him too much to help him destroy himself or to watch him do it.
He isn't going to like that.
You have to do it, anyway.
Unless we prepare ahead of time, unless (for me, anyway) I envision the worst case and believe that to be true, whatever difficult child says...I get sucked back in, too.
The moped thing is a manipulation, Stands.
A moped is something you might believe would make it possible for a kid to find work and start heading into the right direction in his life.
And that day may come.
But it cannot come until he proves himself, first.
Nothing can come until he proves himself, first.
Nothing.
Because that moped could be sold for drugs, too. Worse yet, it is the first chink in your armor. This isn't about how much to help, it's about understanding that any help we give the kids services the addiction.
I still question how much not to help, I still catch myself wanting to believe that, somehow, difficult child means what he says ~ even if I KNOW he is using.
I agree that "NO" is the word the kids need to hear if they are ever going to take responsibility for themselves.
It's incredibly hard to speak it, though.
Barbara
P.S. We are not hearing so much from difficult child, these days. The last time we did hear from him...the old patterns were becoming increasingly evident.
All we can tell ourselves, like you and your husband may need to learn too, Stands, is that difficult child tried and didn't make it.
He came close, though.
Addiction is a terrible thing.
