Serious advice needed!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mamaja, May 28, 2013.

  1. mamaja

    mamaja New Member

    This is my first post and I joined because I feel I am at a loss on what to do.... so please be patient with me.

    My boyfriend's son has a NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD), he just turned 16 recently. Well, he did the unspeakable and went into my 5 y/o daughter's room in the middle of the night at the end of last year and molested her (came back into her room multiple times that night). In the morning my brave little girl told me what happened and now we come to where we currently are. His son pleaded guilty to the charges and his sentencing is coming up soon. I am supposed to give an victim impact statement to the judge. He is currently in therapy once a week, and on house arrest. His therapist says he is showing no improvement because of his immaturity (keeps wishing it never happened), house arrest to him is paradise since his mother lets him play Xbox all day and he is too socially awkward to make friends, and he shows ZERO empathy towards myself or my family. Well at sentencing, I am supposed to recommend what the judge should punish him with. Right now, it seems everyone else is jumping through hoops and being punished rather than him, which I don't understand.

    His father and I were supposed to get married this year but everything has been put on the backburner until this case is closed. My parenting style is that a bad action equals a consequence. I just don't know what the consequence should be for a kid like him. Any serious advice is very much appreciated.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't get married. This boy is a sexual predator. A NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) doesn't cause people to molest little kids nor does it's cousin, Aspergers. He was significantly older than her. This wasn't just a child playing with a consenting friend. The boy was probably molested himself down the line, but that really doesn't change anything...he should get treatment out of the house. He should never be alone with her and there should be an alarm on his door at night.

    I would never allow my five year old to live with this boy. We adopted a boy who did this. The day we found out about this boy had molested my young kids, he was gone forever. This is serious. I felt we needed to show our victimized kids that we were 100% on their side.

    I would consider this child a dealbreaker and move on. I hope your daughter is going to therapy. It is possible that she has been molested a lot more than just that time. Kids tend not to tell the whole story, at least not while the scary kid is still living in the house. This child doesn't need the criminal justice system although I'm glad charges were pressed. What he needs is 24/7 residential care and help in a place where he has no access to your young daughter. Or other kids in the neighborhood.

    I'm really sorry you went through this because I did too and I know it is devestating. It doesn't seem like your girlfriend even thinks what he did was as serious as it was. Think hard before you tie this knot and have other kids with her.

    You have my prayers.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome!

    JMHO - but I think your request from the judge should be centered on protecting your daughter from EVER having to be near this boy again. What action would accomplish that? - restraining orders? registered sex offender status? placement at an out-of-the-area therapeutic center?

    And if the need to protect your daughter from this boy causes a rift in your relationship with the boyfriend? Too bad! You and your daughter are FAR TOO IMPORTANT to sacrifice in order to appease this boy's sense self-esteem and well-being.

    Good luck to you!
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    The boy needs to be seriously punished for what he did. This was not a kid who was just exploring the anatomical differences between boys and girls. He was old enough to know what he was doing to her. I am so happy to hear that she was very brave and told you what happened to her.

    You should not marry the boy's father. Your daughter needs to be protected from this boy and if you marry the father what will happen when his son comes to visit? Personally, I think that would not be fair to your daughter in any way, shape, or form. She should not have to be thrown together with her molester.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OMG. I agree that this kid knew what he was doing. Your poor little girl... How horrible for her. I do hope she is in therapy. Nothing can fix what has been done, but hopefully she can learn to live with it and KNOW that it is NOT her fault.

    As for him... I would suggest that your suggestion of consequence would be as DF said and placement at a far, far away therapeutic residence. They do exist, I know of one in Ohio for that matter. House arrest is paradise for this boy, why should he show remorse if he got rewarded by endless video games? (FWIW, his mother may not know what to do either... And therefore took the easy road and has ostrich syndrome.)

    As for your boyfriend. I am of two minds here... One, it's not his fault. I am sure he loves his son. However no way in Hades should his son be anywhere near your daughter. I suppose my thoughts are along the lines of... How is boyfriend handling this? Denial? Acceptance and willingness to do what needs to be done? Makes a difference in my opinion.
  6. mamaja

    mamaja New Member

    To add a few things after some comments. My daughter has not and will not be around him at all. My boyfriend and I are very strict about it, as well as, the courts also ensure that they are not to come into contact. His son only comes to our home one weekend a month for visitation, with his 12 y/o sister. (Who by the way has been interviewed as well, and there hasn't been any kind of sexual contact between the two. She resents him for what he did, and how it has effected her life now as well).

    My boyfriend obviously has been completely devastated by what has happened. He has been in my daughter's life since she was 2 and sees her as his own. He is extremely disturbed with what his son did, and is trying to come to grips with it and be a protective father to both children. It is a tough situation for any parent to be in.

    When this happened I called my ex-husband (eventhough we can't stand each other) and we came together and made sure our daughter was taken care of. All the therapist say she will be fine and that there shouldn't be any long term effects. (thank goodness). On the other hand, when my boyfriend called his ex-wife to tell her what happened, she said she already had plans for the day and to just drop him off at her house, and she will talk to him later. The kicker in all of this, is that the boy's mother is a pediatrician and her new husband is one too. Of course my boyfriend (who is a surgeon) thought the idea of leaving him alone was ludicrous so they stayed in a hotel that night, so he could try to make sense of what just occurred.

    This has flipped our family completely upside down. I know the defense attorney is going to use the NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) as a crutch and try to keep it as just house arrest, probation, no unsupervised internet, but it just doesn't seem like enough to me. So the prosecution wants me to come up with alternatives.... I don't think throwing him in juvenile dentention will do any good.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How about working - volunteer of course - in a homeless shelter or serving meals to the homeless. Something no teenager would really look forward to.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Throwing him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or TBS might... as in, intensive interventions and evaluations.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I was thinking an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    Hon, this kid is almost 18, almost a man, yet he molested a five year old. He is a sexual predator. This is not two eight year olds playing "show me yours and I'll show you mine."

    I don't think your daughter should ever have to see this boy, who is like a grown man to her, again. The adults involved here (all the doctors) seem to not see the seriousness of somebody his age molesting a little child. Your husband is not even wanting him to face the consequences of his act and is trying to get him out of it.

    Think very hard when you think about marriage. This kid is part of the package.

  10. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    When this boy comes to your house one weekend per month, where is your daughter?

    This boy lives with his mother and step father? He is on house arrest there at their house?

    What does your husband think should be his punishment?
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I absolutely know that my response will not be well received. I am sincerely sorry. in my humble opinion circumstances sometimes arise that do not lead to "happily ever after endings". IF I were you my daughter and I would be establishing a new lifestyle and I would "suck it up" and leave my SO behind. I have quite alot of knowledge about this subject and truthfully based on the info I fully believe that you have to "cut the ties" and make a new life. I would NOT allow my daugher to have one more minute's concern about a recurrence. Simply " D, you and I are going to find a new place to live, new friends and move forward into a life without fear. Yes I do love X and perhaps you love X alwo but his son has serious problems that in my opinion as your Mom and the person who loves you most, we need to leave behind us." Sorry but I do believe this wholeheartedly. Sending caring hugs your way. DDD
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nope, DDD.

    I lived through it with my younger kids and the saving grace was that they saw the abuser getting tossed out the door and they knew they'd never have to see him again. in my opinion there is no other choice but for this woman to end this chapter, hard as it is to do, and to move on in another direction. This sixteen year old is a piece of work and is better off not living with little children. He should be out of her life forever, not showing up for family holidays in front of her.
  13. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    You say he's trying to be a protective father to both children.
    How does he see his son's punishment right now?
    Does he think it fits the crime or will keep him from doing this in the future to some other child?
    If he thinks this is fair that his son is getting off Scott free, cut ties
    If you or he ever expect your daughter to just suck it up and deal with his presence like at your wedding or Christmas or what have you, cut ties.
    Have a detailed talk about what the future holds, what these events important "family" events are going to be like. If any of them involve your daughter giving up her comfort for his son who in my opinion should be treated like an adult, cut ties.

    I would tell the truth in court.
    Tell the judge what you told us. He isn't being punished. He's derailed your daughter's life your life his sister's relationship with her father. Your relationship with his father. He's 16, he will do it again if he gets off lightly maybe not to your kid but someone else. I would not be recommending volunteer work I would not want him to be around children even by accident and in my opinion deserves some adult consequences maybe a serious treatment facility or possibly detention time. Not just a slap on the wrist.

  14. mamaja

    mamaja New Member

    So let me reiterate again. My daughter will NEVER have to see him or be near him. When he comes to my home, we all go to Grandma's house for the weekend (I don't tell the kids why), they just love going to see Grandma. My daughter is doing great and extremely well protected.

    My boyfriend wants his son to get serious help, but since his ex-wife is the primary custodian, anything he suggests, she immediately says no, just because he asked for it. He wanted his son in therapy at least 3 times a week, right after the incident, and she only has him attending once a week. My boyfriend has asked over and over again, on what his status is? what does his therapist say? what does the defense attorney think? Yet she refuses to pass on any information. Just recently was the first time we were able to talk to his therapist, because we had to get my boyfriend's attorney involved for her to sign a medical release. My boyfriend thinks the current punishment is ludicrous, because he sees that his son isn't even recognizing that everyone else is hurting. (Part of NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) is that they dont show any kind of empathy). He wants his son to understand the severity of what he has done. He thinks that putting him in a sex offender treatment program is pretty much putting him in sex offender university. Where he can learn about all the other types of things people can do. Not really the best environment for an NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) kid. His son is very impressionable and extremely immature, and with the added NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) it is very difficult to say what is the best route to take. Is there any statistical data out there concerning what the likelihood of reoffending is, if a child was to partake in various programs?

    I know a lot of people do not agree with me not just wanting to send him to the wolves. Believe me, at first I was furious and I think he has probably never seen a person react like me (think crazy lady, who threatens to rip off your face). After time passed, and I was reassured over and over again by therapists that my daughter is wonderful, the parent in me kicked in. His son needs serious help and I think it is my duty as a parent to recommend the best kind of treatment that will help a kid like him, especially since his mother seems to just want to sweep this whole thing under the rug.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Some of us lived this story and are giving you our experiences. Some have been abuseed ourselves.

    The problem is, often sexual predators don't get better. They get worse. Even with treatment. My predator son was found trying to perp on kids in the residential treatment center he was at for young sexual predators. It was treatment specifically for boys like the boy/man. I know the child who perped on my kids is out on the streets now with a wife and two daughters and I cringe, but at least he's not in our town and can't hurt our two kids. He is supposed to sign up as a sexual predator. Last time we checked, he was in violation of that order. His wife probably knows nothing of what he had done. And chances are good he is molesting his own daughters since, once he was in treatment, he admitted he had been perping on little kids since he was young. This is something nobody could have known. They don't exactly own up to it.

    It is your decision if you want to think of this as not a dealbreaking matter. Nobody can tell you to leave him and make you do it. Your daughter SHOULD know why she can't see him. She needs to know that you think what this man/boy did was horrible and that it was not her fault and that he is not safe around her. And if you marry this man, you mean his son will never be invited to the same Christmas holidays and weddings that she will be? Have you ever been sexually molested? It can destroy your life. Just because a child acts fine doesn't mean she's fine. in my opinion you are treading on dangerous water to even consider the marriage and will likely regret it in the end. This isn't a behavior problem of this sixteen year olds. It's a sexual perversion. The cure rate is very low, if existent. Punishment and/or therapy usually do not the very least, you can never trust him for sure, and not just with your daughter. With any kids. He assaulted your daughter. Would you still feel sympathetic toward him if he had beaten your child black and blue? In many ways, this is even worse.

    It's your life. None of us can tell you what to do with your daughter and it sounds like you love the man so much you won't leave him even for her and perhaps you don't understand the gravity of this sixtgeen year old's problem. I will not tell you to leave again. I just pray that your daughter stays safe.

    Good luck :)
  16. mamaja

    mamaja New Member

    Midwest Mom - my daughter has been told that she will never see him again by myself/therapists/detectives. It is at the advice of her therapists that we do not discuss it with her unless she asks about him or brings up what happened. She hasn't talked about it in at least 4 months. Her therapists all say she is doing great and is a normal healthy little girl (she goes 3 times a week). We have to rely on them to tell us what is best. The therapists also say that my boyfriend and I showing her a united front that we are there to support and protect her, is very good for her. She is only 5 and keeping her surroundings stable is very important.

    You are right that he will not be able to go to any events/holidays with us. My boyfriend is in full support of that and his son was told that his actions caused him to be excluded lifelong. I understand that people may think that I should just end my relationship with my boyfriend because of his son and I think I would have if he would have reacted differently to this situation. He has been more supportive to her, than her own father. He has made sure she has the best therapists and reassures her constantly how much he loves her. She looks at him as her real dad. All of her therapists think that relationship should be maintained and strengthened.

    I really just would like to know if there are any professional resources out there for types of treatment and if there are any success rates? I am clueless in that department and I can not let my personal feelings get in the way of the legal process. No matter how emotional we feel inside, when you are placed in front of a judge, you have to put it to the side and ask for an appropriate punishment/treatment. His mother doesn't seem to give a darn, so I need him to see how a real parent acts and that his actions warrant consequences.
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Honey... First off... HUGS. I've been where you are re the bio mom and her not agreeing with ANYTHING. Now from that perspective...

    I know you love your boyfriend. But let me ask you... How long will it be before you begin to resent having to leave YOUR HOME for this criminal? How long do you think it will be before your things - and your daughter's things - are rifled through, stolen, destroyed? How long before your boyfriend decides his son really isn't that bad, and unexpectedly brings him home, without letting you know in advance and exposing your daughter to him, because it's no big deal? How long before you and boyfriend get into horrible fights about his son... Your daughter... And she witnesses these and blames herself?

    I don't mean to be harsh. In fact we may seem a little judgmental, but really, we're not. We're worried.

    I have 3 stepkids, and 2 of them I consider mine because I have been around for most of their lives. Onyxx... Is so intelligent, so beautiful... And manipulative. OMG. She has hurt husband, me, her little brother... More than once. Physically violent. Verbally abusive. Got away with almost anything while at her mother's. 4.5 years ago accused her stepfather (then bio mom's boyfriend) of molesting her. Children's Services got involved, said it was "indicated" which basically means there is no proof but they believe her. Same general time frame she became sexually active... Age 13. We believed her. Went to great lengths to protect her and Jett. Let her refuse to visit her mother for 2.5 years. husband went to jail for 3 days for not forcing her to visit her mother (contempt of court). She's gotten into drugs and theft, violence, other criminal activity. In and out of juvie. 3 weeks in a teen shelter, 5 months in a therapeutic foster home, 4.5 months in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), she seemed to be doing so much better, and then. She got back together with her old boyfriend. In December she binged and it's been downhill from there. She turned 18 in March and... Now she is living with her mother's mother, who is a huge enabler... boyfriend is in jail for aggravated burglary... Sigh. I love her, but she cannot be in my home with Inky around.

    Oh, and the molestation accusation? We no longer completely believe her... because she has deliberately, voluntarily been around him... Threw Jett under the bus when we were trying to protect HIM... Basically anyone who helps her gets spit on when they say something she doesn't like.

    NOW, for my point here... husband and I nearly split up over the whole thing. Onyxx nearly came between us. In fact, he knows this and I will be completely honest, if I had known what I was getting myself into... We wouldn't have made it past the first date. Inky wouldn't exist. You say "keeping her surroundings stable is very important"... Good! But a weekend a month away... Eventually she will figure it out. And when that river breaches the levee you've built...

    The rate of recidivism among sexual predators - especially young ones - is appallingly high. Even with treatment.

  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Officially, there are programs out there.
    Success rates? Any stats I've seen are... very, very low.
  19. mamaja

    mamaja New Member

    Stepto2 - Thanks for the reply.

    Seeing as his son is 16, we have already discussed at length with each other about how things will be approached with our attorneys. In two years, he will be an adult and my daughter will have a permanent protection order put in place. Because the incident happened when he was 15, he will not have to register as a sex offender, and his record can be expunged by the time he turns 18. So goes the way of the US court system.

    We are blessed enough to have two homes, one near my boyfriend's work and our family house. After sentencing, which is in two weeks, the probation officer already told me that his son will not be able to even stay at our house any longer while on probation (I dont know how long they will sentence his probation to be). So my boyfriend will be taking him to the house near his work (which is three hours away) when he gets to see him one weekend a month.

    This whole thing is a process that is unfamiliar to anyone in my family, so we are relying on all the professionals to give us the best advice. Yet when it comes to asking for what kind of sentence I think he should receive, I am completely dumb to it. Does anyone know of any good websites/books that lay out what is typical sentencing for this kind of incident?
  20. mamaja

    mamaja New Member

    Another question I have, is there any link between his NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) and being a predator? Is this common/uncommon?