Seriously questioning... (UPDATED)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Just keep swimming, Jul 1, 2007.

  1. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    <span style="color: #993399">my sanity!!! We currently have a 4 1/2 yo respite/foster son here, been here a little over a week. He is adorable, exactly what we were hoping for 1/2 AA and 1/2 white. Sweet as can be...until you add Aly and Jayme into the picture! OMG!! This little guy, and I mean LITTLE, he is 2 inches shorter than Jayme and a good 10 lbs lighter and she is only 3!!, has been in and out of the foster system since before birth.

    His 14 yo mom was raped when her mom dropped her off at some acquaintances house so she could go out and get stoned. Some big rucous occured while the girl was at this guy's house and police got involved, mom was arrested and the girl was put in foster care. Then she found out she was pregnant. When "D" was a few months old, the G'ma got both the mom and D back. When he was 15 months old, they got pulled over for not wearing seatbelts and police found cocaine in the car. G'ma went to jail, mom went to Juvie and D went back into foster care.

    Once mom was out of Juvie, she was put into ANOTHER foster home with D till she aged out of the system and CPS let her take D with her.

    9 months ago Mom voluntarily gave D up to CPS and gave up her rights to him. She just couldn't do it with her mom drugging and no support from anyone else. That part breaks my heart! The foster family he has been with since that time is elderly and the foster dad is ailing along with many other assorted issues.

    3 days into having him here, his Adoptions worker came for a visit. At the time things were going ok and with redirecttion D was doing pretty good. husband piped up (shock of all shockers!) and asked that we be considered as an adoptive placement for D. D has been calling him "Daddy B" and me "Mama" almost from the beginning. He voluntarily gives hugs appropriately and says he loves us. He wants to live with us forever. I do love him, as I do all my fosters, but somthing inside me is screaming this is not a good idea.

    husband for the first time ever, has expressed his desire to add another child to our family permanetly. D is full of life and laughs and sociable and SMART!!! The issues I see is he and Aly are exactly alike in so many ways I am feeling anxious about this placement. They already have a sister/brother bond going sometimes a good thing, alot of the time a horrible thing! "I touched that first" "that's mine" "I was swinging first", ect.

    I have tried every Love and Logic, and all other stuff I can think of but the only thing that seems to be working is separating them in their own rooms for a few minutes.

    I guess I am questioning my sanity because D is already showing some attachment issues (food hording, claiming everything as his, latching onto me for dear life one minute then totally ignoring me the next. He is supposed to return, briefly to this foster family tomorrow while CPS/Adoptions work out the best placement for him.

    All I can say is at the end of the day, and all 3 kiddos are asleep in their beds, I can see him in our future. Poor little guy has had NO prolonged stability, ever. There is an aunt on the Paternal side that is looking promising and they live in another state. I pray that will be a good place for him. He is so adorable, has sooo many good qualities that just endear him to my heart, but then those doubts sneak in.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I know we don't have to adopt each and every foster child that comes through our home, that wouldn't be healthy for anyone. There is just something about this little guy that maybe with the correct services/therapies, he could turn out to be a wonderful little guy.

    As tears are falling down my cheeks, he is in the garage helping Daddy B and is sounding so appropriate and sweet.

    Vickie </span>
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh Vickie....

    Tears are streaming down my cheeks as well. What a heartbreaking story.

    Prayers that God's will prevails.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh boy.........I have absolutely no advice, as I have not walked in your shoes. I only know that I have had to live my life listening to my gut - and that is all you can do in this situation.

    I have the highest appreciation for foster parents - and I do mean, the highest. You and your husband are amazing, and I believe you will know, deep in your heart, the perfect decision.

    I will be thinking of you.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He sounds like a cutie. Seems pretty lovable, too.

    Do not forget he is honeymooning right now. I am sure what you do see it just the tip of the iceburg. Not trying to be so negative, but it is my experience with difficult child and her honeymooning at her dad's house.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>It must feel awful to not want to help everyone you can. It would be hard for me too. You have to look at the big picture. If you add more weight to your sizable load of responsibilities, you could end up with the whole family falling apart. I figure I start with doing right by those in the house and then spread out. You don't want to upset the balance that is there at present.

    Good luck in whatever choice you make. Helping anyone with kindness is a good thing. </span>
  6. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Vickie, Trust your gut and hold firm to that. From what you are describing I would be very concerned about attatchment problems and you already are seeing the difficulty of sibling rivalry multiplied by bipolar. If you proceed, do it with your eyes open and know we are here for you to lean on when needed. I have stopped a possible adoption once when I didn't feel it was right (and I never regretted it...she was an adorable 5 yo and it was very difficult to explain what didn't feel right, looking back it is highly likely that she was Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) and I am now in the position of adopting our last 2 babies.
    In my case I don't think I could handle Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), I am now at my max...but everyone is different and only you know what you can handle.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I believe you are a very intellegent and loving woman. I think you answered your question in your post. I don't believe, as much as you want to help this little one, that it is best for the family you have now. There are a lot of dynamics that could blow at any molment.

    At this point, I would pray that the Aunt comes through and he has some family connection to grow with. Take it a day at a time.

    You are a good woman. The best will happen for all.

  8. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member


    Well family, we were called Friday afternoon by D's SW and D had to be moved from his current foster placement immediately due to a 13 yo girl being very inappropriate with D.

    I call husband at his work and we had a long discussion about having D come live with us until/if the interstate placement could be completed. Well, of course, we went and got him. He had been crying to previous Foster Mom that he really wanted to live with us, there were more kids to play with (boss around :rolleyes: ) and he said he loved it here. When he saw me, he ran to me and clung to me for dear life. He was silent on the car ride home and only wanted me to rock him for about 1/2 an hour. Then husband asked him if he wanted to help him in husband's shop and D was off running to "Daddy B".

    That night during our story and then prayers, he thanked God for letting him come back to the family he loved and promised to be a "good boy".

    Saturday we took the kids and met my sis and her family at the river for a day of fun/wet/sandy play. D did great, kinda just blended in with all our "rainbow family". J, on the other hand was a basket case. DUH, she has sensory issues and the sand was making her miserable. Why did I forget that?!?! :hammer:

    Everyone was wiped out when we got home so just quick dips in the bath and then off to bed. But yesterday morning, well, things started heating up the second D realized Aly was not going to give up the TV remote so he could find Sponge Bob. husband took D aside and once he was calm enough explained that he could have his turn in a few minutes. He took that quite well.

    After that, it felt like a day of referreeing these 2 kids. One said the sky was blue the other would say it is red... I tried to take Aly aside as much as possible and give her some extra cuddle time. Many "time outs/ins" later, by evening time they were cuddle up on the couch watch Cat in the Hat together, giggling away. :rofl:

    So, still trying to be cautiously optimistic that this will work! Oh, and his counselor who sees him weekly lives right around the corner from me! She called last night to set up a session here today. She said during this transition time she can work with D privately then try to do some family stuff as well, here at home! She sounds awesome with many of her suggestions I am already doing. She may have her work cut out for her!!

    So, rough weekend but with glimmers of what can be a really great thing for everyone.

    Thanks for listening, once again!!

  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Vickie, I hate to say it, but it sounds like normal sibling rivalry already! LOL!!!

    You are such good people. husband seems involved already. Too cute!
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    It takes a special person....

    I'm guessing you've all but made up your minds?
  11. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    busywendy, If all it is is sibling rivalry, we will take that in a heart beat!!!

    BBK, LOL! Yeah, the little guy has a way of worming his way into your heart without you even knowing it! :smile:

    husband and I had a long talk last night and we decided we needed to let the kids work out some of this stuff on their own, with guidance where necessary.

    We shall see,
  12. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    So what has been said about the out of state aunt? Does she really want him?

  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    God blesses anyone who is kind to a child. even Jesus said let the little children come.
  14. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    Steph, from what I have read from his court reports, it looked like they were really dragging their feet. There is also a Paternal G'ma that was showing interest, but hasn't done much about getting her stuff together. I am hoping to talk with D's SW today or tomorrow to see where things stand!
  15. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    It sounds like he's in the right place and that he's already stolen your hearts.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope things get worked out quickly for this little fellow without much more disruption in his life. Constantly moving him around cant be good for him.
  17. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    Janet, I totally agree. I just got off the phone with his SW's supervisor and stated my concerns about the amount of placements he has had. She agrees and said as long as it works out here, we will be his final placement (pending of course if the relatives on the East coast ever get their stuff together.) So, I will have to put a little protection over my heart cause ya never know what will happen when CPS is involved!

  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Being kind to a child will be the greatest thing we ever can do. What a difference kindess makes to a child!!! -Alyssa
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhh, what a sweet note! It does sound like normal sibling rivalry. Although it wore you out (and you are a saint) it sounds pretty normal from this end.
    Big hugs and lots of support. I hope it all works out.