Seriously, What is her problem?

[Andy]

H's mom is on the rampage again. Unbelievable!!! difficult child and H have a mutual friend (E) that they spend a lot of time with - the three of them are like the Three Muskateers. The boys are all over here atleast once a week (sometimes more). I hear and see how they interact. If I enter the room, they do not change the subject, a true sign of not needing to hide anything. There is no foul language except by H. There is no meaness - just the normal teasing among friends. There is always input from each of them. They have a good time.

E received a message from his mom yesterday that H's mom e-mailed E's mom to warn her what a rotten kid difficult child is! That he has a bad mouth and is mean to H and disrespectful to adults.

Again I ask, why in the world would H want to spend time with someone so horrid? And why would this woman allow her son to spend time with a horrid creature on the road to a life of crime? H has even told difficult child (in my hearing) that his mom hates difficult child. And she can't understand why difficult child doesn't like her!!!

difficult child said he went to the principal because he feels this may be leading up to something again. He figured if there is a problem he should be the first to bring it forward. The principal did not allow difficult child to tell his side of things last time so difficult child figured to talk now while he is listening. So he told the principal that H is telling lies about him to the extent of having his mom contact the other moms of his friends to slander him. He said he has no clue what H refers to when he tells his mom that difficult child is so mean. He told the principal that if H would tell him what is bugging him then he would stop but nothing has been said and H is always joining in whatever topic it is. There is no sign to difficult child of whatever may be bothering H. The boys joke around with each other all the time but I guess difficult child is not allowed to join in because any word out of his mouth (and anyone else's for that matter) gets reported by H to his mom as difficult child harrassing him and making his life miserable.

I told difficult child that the best way of getting revenge is proving her wrong with his actions. Do not "fight" back adding fuel to the fire but watch your behavior - no bad words EVER and always doing what is right, always being kind. That way she will look the fool because no one will ever see in him what she is trying to protray. If he has to give H the cold shoulder, no talking to him, no looking at him than so be it to keep his mom off difficult child's back.

I told him that E's mom will see for herself that H's mom is wrong. The boys are at E's house a lot also so she has plenty of chances to see what is really going on. Besides, E will tell his mom the truth and she will believe her son just as I believe difficult child and H's mom believes H.

I am trying to find a time to talk face to face with E's mom to ask her what she has observed with the boys and in particular difficult child. I will let her know that I have heard about the e-mail and ask that she form her own conclusion based on the boy's behaviors. I am not going to put her in the middle by giving her some of my own opinions but just ask that she be sure of her conclusions. I will be careful about what information I give to her so as not to sway her judgement thinking I am leading her to be on my side. I will not enter H's mom's game by putting her down to make myself look righteous. E's mom can figure it out on her own which person is degrading another person. It will do no one any good to make her feel like she is in the middle and has to choose. I am sure she is confused about the e-mail since she has had the boys to her place weekly this school year. If there was a problem, she would have picked up on it.

So interesting that H is using difficult child as a scapegoat and that his mom has fallen for it. Wonder if there is a book on this "syndrome", how to recognize it and how to deal with it. I would leave it at her door. I am sure she will read it because she is raising her kids "by the book". She knows all the ins and outs on dealing with every behaviour under the sun but hasn't figured out this one.

 

[hearts and roses]

I'm sorry, Andy, I feel so out of the loop. Sending positive thoughs~

 

[Hound dog]

This one?

It's called "playing your Mom for a fool".

I had a friend, casual friend........our kids played together. She had an only child who supposedly liked to play with Travis and easy child........when in truth, he only wanted to play with easy child. My kids never played with any kids unsupervised......except maybe at school. So I knew how they got along. Friend's son was forever going to Mom with stories......especially if it made him look good. It eventually created a rift that couldn't be mended. Oddly.....my kids didn't miss him as much as they thought they would. lol

I'm guessing difficult child is getting blamed for things that this kid has done to keep himself out of trouble.

Stinks.......but a good lesson on how a real friend should treat you.

Hugs

 

[Marguerite]

Sounds like sociopathy in development coupled with parental denial.

No books. Nothing you can do that you haven't already done. Keep him safe, keep them under observation. Reduce the time H can spend around difficult child; sounds like he can't be trusted. I'd stop having him over, on the grounds that H is clearly upset and afraid. (yeah, right).

Natural consequences - you need to 'protect' H from your 'terrible' son, of course.

A young friend of mine has had similar problems with 'friends'. Her mother cries on my shoulder about it. My young friend is an only child, so her mother has no experience of child-raising. What she has produced is like a hothouse orchid, a rare flower of amazing beauty. Other kids, other parents, are often jealous and competitive. My young friend is very bright, very capable, and a thoroughly decent person. Too decent - some kid stay friends with her even after other kids give them the flick because they're too weird or nasty. My young friend is working this out much faster than her mother, who sometimes says to me, "Why is my daughter's friend being so mean? Why did her mother tell me that my daughter is immature?"

I tell my friend that the best way to handle someone being mean, is to limit their opportunities for being mean. Why work hard to maintain a relationship with someone who is only going to stab you in the back? or subtly undermine your confidence in yourself? Life is too short; surround yourself with true friends and limit those who don't show you the same respect you show them. That is the lesson to give your kids in this.

Kids' friendships often shift nd change as they grow and are pulled in different directions. Some parents fight the change and try to force the old friendships to continue, or force friendships on the kids for the sake of the parents. I remember when I was about 10 years old (I was a bright 10 yo too, I lived with adults) and a woman who had befriended my mother insisted that we had to set up a playdate with me and her daughter. "You will be such good friends!" the woman gushed. her daughter was 15 and did NOT want to be saddled with a little kid. Our mothers organised a shopping day, both daughters (me and the other girl) were dragged along. I was prepared to be nice, I tried to talk about books I had been reading. But the other girl was NOT intellectual, she hated reading, hated school, was only waiting until she was old enough to leave school and get a job. She grumped around all day looking like a thundercloud and I kept remembering things her mother had said to me (and my mother), "My daughter is so longing to meet you and spend the day with you!" It was all wishful thinking, the mother imposing her desires on others for her own ends.

It was the last time my mother ever spent much time with this woman in any organised activity. She learnt to avoid her where possible.

My mother and I could go shopping together and enjoy each other's company, across a wide range of ages. The other girl clearly hated spending time with her mother and after that day, I couldn't blame her. My usual connection with my mother when shopping was broken because this woman monopolised my mother completely, yet we were both tied to our mothers and not permitted to go off on our own. Very awkward, very difficult. A dreary, unpleasant day burned into my memory.

I think the reality of it for me was seeing this older girl clearly unhappy, clearly uncomfortable, feeling saddled with a brat who she didn't want to bother with and certainly didn't want to be seen with. She was ashamed and embarrassed by me and by her mother. While in reality I was no burden, this girl never really gave herself the chance to find out. But she wanted to shop for makeup and I was too young to be interested in makeup. I would have happily looked at jewellery though. But the girl's mother wouldn't let us loose near jewellery - maybe didn't trust her daughter? Absolutely zilch in common, except perhaps for an increasing dislike of her mother...

Listen to your son, respect his feelings about H. Maybe support him if he says he wants to limit contact for a while until things smooth over. Because if H is stealing or lying when difficult child is around, he is trying to get difficult child blamed. The less they are together, the less difficult child can be blamed.

Marg

 

[Star*]

You've gotten a lot of great advice -

Sending hugs.

 

[shellyd67]

Hi Andy,

I agree with you 100% that actions speak louder than words.

My difficult child has been down similiar roads and husband and I have always told him not to seek revenge or act up but to walk the walk and show how kind you can be.

Sadly, he wants to seek revenge and squish someone.

I am sorry your guy is going thru all of this and especially useless drama adults are creating...