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Seriously? What is so hard to understand?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 441015" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We've had to correct the grandparent in front of the child sometimes. Where we can, we will send the child out of the room, mid-argument if we have to. I plan ahead, I prime the child ahead of time. "If I stop you mid-argument with grandma, and tell you to go outside to cool off, you must do so. It is not just you who needs to cool off, we will be talking to grandma while you are outside, to tell her what NOT to do with you. And you are not to admit knowing this."</p><p></p><p>Grandma likes to tease. She no longer tries to correct him in front of us (well, not so much) and he has learned to tolerate it more, although he's getting tetchy again with her which tells me she's been saying things when we're not in earshot.</p><p></p><p>Example - every evening before he heads home from grandma's, difficult child 3 asks if he can have a couple of sweets from her jar. Now, husband helps himself to the jar, it's mostly us eating these anyway and so we supply most of them. But we've encouraged difficult child 3 to ask grandma, because we are in grandma's house. So he does. But last night grandma said, letting me know (good!), "I'm just going to tease him a little. That's okay, isn't it?"</p><p>I was a bit guarded, but I observed. Grandma said to difficult child 3, "Of course you can have a couple of sweets. But you are eating a lot of them too; you have your own money, it would be good if you bough a packet now and then."</p><p>difficult child 3 nodded and said, "I will have more money on Friday. Can you wait until then?" He then left.</p><p>Grandma didn't understand, said that he was stalling. I corrected her, I said he was not stalling, just letting her know when he would be able to do it. I then corrected further - "That was not teasing. Teasing generally is risky with him. But what you did was a good thing - you were teaching him about personal responsibility, and it was entirely appropriate. Why did you label it as teasing?"</p><p></p><p>I was fairly sure I knew the answer anyway, I just wanted to hear how she would respond. And in her mind, 'teasing' is low-key, it's a fun way of communicating and de-fusing an interaction. The trouble is, her kind of teasing will actually greatly escalate a situation and she doesn't get it. She is often inappropriate and if it happens when we are on a long car trip, there is no way I can send difficult child 3 outside to cool off! It has at times been very difficult, because having both of them sitting next to one another verbally sniping, has not been good. </p><p></p><p>The most effective lesson has been to explain to difficult child 3 that grandma is also a bit difficult child herself. Also that her expectations are very different from ours, because things were done differently in her day (which is one reason she's a fair bit difficult child!).</p><p></p><p>If an adult difficult child will not back down or shut up even if you prime THEM ahead of time (which you have done) then you are entitled to say, in front of the child if necessary, "You are in the wrong here. I am perfectly happy to have difficult child discuss these things with me; it is teaching him to understand negotiation as well as financial matters. How else will he learn how to eventually live independently? And it is my job to correct him if he is breaking my rules. And he is not. I welcomed his input on this matter. Your objections were unwarranted and misplaced."</p><p></p><p>It would be interesting to see how your father reacts to this. If he gets angry at being corrected in front of the child, point out that he left you no choice. "When you behave like a child, I will treat you like a child. I have told you to back off and stop correcting him, especially if I am there to do it. What else do you call it when a person does the wrong thing repeatedly, after being told not to do it? You left me no choice. And I will do it again if I have to. I want you two to have a good relationship, and this is the only way to make it happen."</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 441015, member: 1991"] We've had to correct the grandparent in front of the child sometimes. Where we can, we will send the child out of the room, mid-argument if we have to. I plan ahead, I prime the child ahead of time. "If I stop you mid-argument with grandma, and tell you to go outside to cool off, you must do so. It is not just you who needs to cool off, we will be talking to grandma while you are outside, to tell her what NOT to do with you. And you are not to admit knowing this." Grandma likes to tease. She no longer tries to correct him in front of us (well, not so much) and he has learned to tolerate it more, although he's getting tetchy again with her which tells me she's been saying things when we're not in earshot. Example - every evening before he heads home from grandma's, difficult child 3 asks if he can have a couple of sweets from her jar. Now, husband helps himself to the jar, it's mostly us eating these anyway and so we supply most of them. But we've encouraged difficult child 3 to ask grandma, because we are in grandma's house. So he does. But last night grandma said, letting me know (good!), "I'm just going to tease him a little. That's okay, isn't it?" I was a bit guarded, but I observed. Grandma said to difficult child 3, "Of course you can have a couple of sweets. But you are eating a lot of them too; you have your own money, it would be good if you bough a packet now and then." difficult child 3 nodded and said, "I will have more money on Friday. Can you wait until then?" He then left. Grandma didn't understand, said that he was stalling. I corrected her, I said he was not stalling, just letting her know when he would be able to do it. I then corrected further - "That was not teasing. Teasing generally is risky with him. But what you did was a good thing - you were teaching him about personal responsibility, and it was entirely appropriate. Why did you label it as teasing?" I was fairly sure I knew the answer anyway, I just wanted to hear how she would respond. And in her mind, 'teasing' is low-key, it's a fun way of communicating and de-fusing an interaction. The trouble is, her kind of teasing will actually greatly escalate a situation and she doesn't get it. She is often inappropriate and if it happens when we are on a long car trip, there is no way I can send difficult child 3 outside to cool off! It has at times been very difficult, because having both of them sitting next to one another verbally sniping, has not been good. The most effective lesson has been to explain to difficult child 3 that grandma is also a bit difficult child herself. Also that her expectations are very different from ours, because things were done differently in her day (which is one reason she's a fair bit difficult child!). If an adult difficult child will not back down or shut up even if you prime THEM ahead of time (which you have done) then you are entitled to say, in front of the child if necessary, "You are in the wrong here. I am perfectly happy to have difficult child discuss these things with me; it is teaching him to understand negotiation as well as financial matters. How else will he learn how to eventually live independently? And it is my job to correct him if he is breaking my rules. And he is not. I welcomed his input on this matter. Your objections were unwarranted and misplaced." It would be interesting to see how your father reacts to this. If he gets angry at being corrected in front of the child, point out that he left you no choice. "When you behave like a child, I will treat you like a child. I have told you to back off and stop correcting him, especially if I am there to do it. What else do you call it when a person does the wrong thing repeatedly, after being told not to do it? You left me no choice. And I will do it again if I have to. I want you two to have a good relationship, and this is the only way to make it happen." Marg [/QUOTE]
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