Session 2 in home therapy

[Ropefree]

My son is saying that all his behavor is due to the police I called after the
verbal abuse and pushing me.
Zero contrition. Zero accountability.
He said that what would be ideal is if I left.
Like what to do with that sort of disconnect where reality is not intwinded anywhere. That he doesn't like me.
I am not looking for oh teenagers are ...is there any thing to do about this sort of thing. Do parents have possitive teenager changes? I can not hear anymore there is not a hope in the world. so if you have not one possitive teenager ttransformation to offer than I am not in the mood.
Because I am perfictly happy to go empty nest , perhaps to BElize. I am not here because mommy loves the stress. I am going on the cordizol fast asap.
Thank you.

 

[klmno]

RF: Can you fill me in a little more with some details? I see your son is a teen- is he 14 or 17? How much therapy has he had in the past? Is he on medications now? Has he had adequate supports at school for some time or is all this just starting? How often are these "explosions" at home occurring?

 

[BusynMember]

Is your son just disrespectful? Does he take drugs? Are you SURE he doesn't take drugs? Any disorders in the family? Has he ever been tested? My daughter turned her life around, although she had used drugs from ages 12-19. And we hadn't known how much she was into drugs. She is now a happy functioning member of society at 24 and we are very close.

 

[Jena]

Hi,

Yes i'm with the others, you have to give us a bit more detail into the situation for us to understand what is going on in your home.

I will say this, there are no great "total transformation" stories that can be shared. I'm not sure any of us can "transform" a teenager. I think the only thing we can do is set strong boundaries for ourselves where necessary if there is a level of abuse going on in the home. As well as involve certain parties, ie. courts, programs, etc. so that a consequence can be implemented by a a higher force other than just ourselves. Yet in order to give information or any type of advice just give some info as to what types of things have been implemented, any medications given, etc.

I hope you have a peaceful day today


(((hugs))))

 

[slsh]

RF - would help to know how old your kiddo is.

I can tell you that thank you for *years* took no responsibility for his choices and laid the blame on others constantly. When there were consequences for his choices, it was always "unfair" to the max. He was always outraged and felt that he was a victim. It was so frustrating because there was that total disconnect in his thinking when it came to cause and effect.

While he's still kind of squirrely sometimes now about consequences, I can tell you he is finally showing a bit of improvement. He still blames others pretty frequently but it's not *always* now. Consequences are still often "unfair" but there are times now when he accepts them pretty well - actually, really well if I think about it. Used to be he'd explode, be very violent, over a consequence. Now he will jaw alot but the physical violence is pretty much gone. He still makes some pretty lousy choices but he will at least acknowledge that there will be consequences - it's like he's making a more informed choice now, if that makes sense.

It's been a really long road with him and for years I really had doubts that he'd ever get it. I can't say he's "gotten it" the way most teens his age do, but compared to where he was 3 or 4 years ago, he's made a ton of progress.

Had to chuckle about your son saying it would be ideal if you moved out. Gotta love our kids. I think I would have just pointed out that you are in your home and that *he* will be the one moving out someday!!! Try not to take it personally (I know it's really hard sometimes) - I think part of it is just typical teen junk but with a difficult child it gets magnified a lot.

 

[Ropefree]

The answers are the school supports have been ongoing and he is doing very well achedemically with the occational dips..
The behavor change came with the advent of the drivers lisence and then alot of social interaction with the other teens and the post-highschool hanger -oners who are the new homeless.
The episodes of verbal and pushing aggression were the first two. Hopefully the last two. I am not myself interested in 'helping' someone leaarn about thier inclinations to bully. So either that never happens or I am done.
I have no idea what the alternatives are and I haven't looked into them. His treating doctors and teachers and conselors tell me that they think he is suc a good fellow and that it will be ok. In the meantime I am not prepared to tolerate a long series of physically or emotionally assaultive episodes.
What I think is that he is witnessing this sort of thing in the homes he is visiting and bringing it back. He uses the same terms and complaints his friends offer for their home family issues.
Oh..gota go. Thanks for caring. I am so happy with all the others in this site. My tend and mend gets the flex and I do not feel so witless.

 

[susiestar]

Anyone who tells you they can "totally transform" ANY child, especially a teenager, is blowing sunshine up your patootie.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that is a fact.

You can't just "transform" anyone. THEY have to want to change, and work on changing. And most teens don't want to change - they want YOU to change.

The best advice I can give you, with-o knowing a whole lot more about the situation, is to follow the link to amazon.com and buy the book "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" (It may be titled Love and Logic Parenting for Teens, but I don't think so). THis book give strategies to help you parent your child effectively while preserving that loving bond between parent and child.

I am sorry things are so tough. I wish I could tell you otherwise. I CAN tell you that after many many many years of therapy, medication, psychiatrists, visits to phosps, and finally having Gpa and Gma take my son so that he can be the only child in the house (something about having the younger kids and all the chaos that come with that is very very difficult for my Wiz), and having Gpa work WITH Wiz in the yard doing hard physical labor every time Wiz got out of control, well, we do have a real transformation of Wiz.

But it took a LONG time. And a LOT of people. But we went from thinking we would be looking at prisons for Wiz because his violence and total refusal to follow ANY rules to having colleges sending recruiting info, and talking about a FUTURE that involved technical school next year and college after that!

So I know you are frustrated, and at the end of the rope. Hang in there, it will take time and effort but hopefully you will see progress soon.