Setting tough boundaries and its miserable

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Payla, Dec 15, 2012.

  1. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Our difficult child has been living in city about 45 min from here. Doing drugs probably , irresponsible, tearful, maybe working some, it's just hard to know what is true and what isn't. So we have gone from rescuing and enabling to a no trespassing order and a restraining order over last 6 months. He calls from other's cell phones to my work or his sister, always with a story and plea for some money. I would still give in once in awhile in past weeks but since he said he was snorting heroin two weeks ago, I just clicked into a clarity of thinking as far as giving him no money. (Even though he told his sister he made up the story about heroin and needing his tires fixed so he could drive to detox, just to get cash. ) there is no way you can believe anything he says and it drives me crazy . i am pretty ok if i just dont speak with him at all. Last night he showed up at door after many phone calls where we said if you come here we are calling police. We called them and he took off before they got here. Now he has a warrant and will stay away, but his daughter is coming for Christmas week and he desperately wants to see her. She is going to be very sad also if she doesn't see him. Wow, I am tired.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That's really sad to hear Payla. You're being very brave to teach him limits like this. As for his daughter, that's tough. What would happen if they did see eachother and he stole or started something? Would that be a worse memory than just missing him? Maybe a speaker phone call or skype would be better? Or if comfortable at a restaurant and set time limits very rigidly? Might need to do that on the 24th because so much is closed on the 25th.

    Others here who have lived it may have more useful ideas. Keep strong! You're doing the right but very hard to do things.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Payla, I am so sorry. I have a similar experience of late with my difficult child and it is very sad and exhausting. You've shown a lot of courage and strength to hold on to your boundaries, it takes a lot out of us to hold that line. This whole process of detaching is devastating on us parents, step by step we untangle ourselves from their lives, their drama and their poor choices which is difficult enough to do........ Our love for them is tangled up in all of that too and watching their lives spiral out of control is horrifying at times..........I really understand how you feel. I hope you're getting support, finding ways to take care of yourself, seeing your girlfriends, doing some fun things to keep your mind occupied. It seems all the more difficult during the holidays when most families are huddled together, we are separate from those we love so much. It is sad about your granddaughter too, perhaps as Buddy mentioned, you could arrange a meeting in a public place, but that is up to you, it may just be too hard to do. From my wounded mothers heart to yours, I wish you peace in this very stormy sea you find yourself afloat in...........many gentle hugs coming your way...........
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2012
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Sending cyber hugs and a heart full of understanding out to you.
  5. So sorry. No words - just a cyber hug for you. I understand how the lying drives you crazy - you just don't know whether you're coming or going, what's true, what isn't. It's so difficult to make sense of anything.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Payla, I know that this has to be one of the most gut-wrenching things in your life. Doing the right thing, setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, and watching how it can hurt others sure does blow goats. Even though everyone is hurting over it, it is still needed if your son if to ever have a prayer of learning appropriate boundaries.

  7. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Thank you to all. It is comforting to have your support. If he is not in jail I was already thinking of meeting at a restaurant or park so they can see each other.
  8. Payla - I vote for the restaurant - more people. It might help keep him on the better behavioural path and be easier to get help or something if you need it. Geez, I hate saying that
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If you have a restraining order against him, it is my understanding that you can't agree to meet with him as he will be committing a felony if he comes within 200 yards of you . . . especially if there is a warrant out for him.

    I think you need to abide by the terms of the restraining order, also. I know all of this because we currently have a temporary protection order against our daughter and we were told she couldn't call us, leave messages, or come within 200 yards of us no matter where we were.

  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hugs. DDD
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Very painful indeed, but very necessary. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. As for his little girl, well........better she not see him at all than to see him this way.

    Hopefully this will help push him toward recovery.
  12. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm really glad you are not enabling him. You cannot agree to meet him. We had a restraining order on our difficult child. After a few years he began to grow up and take care of himself, he worked, became responsible and we forgot about it. This past summer my family went to Canada to visit my father in law. difficult child was in his truck with easy child, husband. me and easy child were in another car. We showed our passports and went throught he border first. difficult child was detained. It was the restaining order that I never dropped. They called the police. Meanwhile, difficult child is fine, perfect, but because of that the police came. They made a judgement call and let him go, I had to explain the reason we had taken it out and that's why he could leave. Otherwise, he'd be in jail in Maine.
    The next day I had it removed, I had to go to the court and tell a judge all about difficult child.

    You put that RO in place for a reason. You didn't "do" anything, he did. I know you feel bad about the situation, but it's not your doing and he knows what he has to do to change his situation. Maybe this will be his final straw to turn his life around. I'm glad you're not listening to lies, we know it's all lies, I've been there too, hugs.