Seven more months until difficult child turns 18

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by layne, Jun 2, 2014.

  1. layne

    layne Member

    <Sigh>. Since difficult child turned 12 and a half, she has been a nightmare. The hell that I have endured, I don't think anyone, ANYONE, could bare it. For the last five years, I must have said a million times to her, "I can NOT wait until you turn 18. Well, 18 is coming soon and I for the life of me do not know how I am going to detach. I will definitely have to move, that's a give in. My lease is up the same time she turns 18. Getting her to pack up all of her stuff and actually move out is going to be the HUGEST problem. That's the part that's going to be EXTREMELY hard because I know her. She will refuse to believe that I am serious. She has told me time and time again "You're not going no where.". Oh but I am. I really am. The only reason why I had to tolerate her BS is because I was LEGALLY obligated to. When she turns 18, guess what? I AM NO LONGER LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO!!!! When I tell her that, she seems not to hear me. She is not saving any of her paychecks either.

    I am hoping she will have a place to go. I believe my mother will take her in and if she doesn't this will be twice as a hard. The LAST thing I want to do is leave my daughter stranded. She really is NOT that bad, but living with me, she takes full advantage of me. Takes my money, my car, my things, doesn't clean up after herself and the only way to stop that is by forcing her and the only way to force her is for me to leave the situation. I had my daughter when I was 16. My life has been sacrificed MORE than enough. I need to salvage what "youth" I have left. I need to be able to work and leave my house without wondering what the hell is going on at home. I need my things, my car, and my money. I need my sanity. I need to be selfish or I will never have any money and I will not have enough for retirement. I honestly don't know what to do in this situation. Despite my warnings, she is not preparing to move out. She thinks I am just talking.

    Every situation is unique and I need some advice tailored to my situation. My main question is, what do I do if she has no where to go by the time my lease is up and she is 18?
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2014
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you two have had such a hard life.
    I can't recall all of your history (I'll look through the threads).
    Any chance you two could sit down and go through apartment ads together? Calmly?
    Does she have a job?
    What would it do to your mother if she moved in with her? I'm guessing she'd do the same thing to your mom. And why isn't she living with-your mom right now? That could make a good transition.
     
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Found it!
    So, yes, I'd say sit down and talk with her and apologize for the talking-to-family-too-much thing.
    Tell her that you are going to a therapist (I assume you've made an appointment or are already going) and someday you'd love for her to come along. Don't pressure her.
    Tell her that you need to take care of yourself, which doesn't mean that you don't love her; you are just worn out.
    I have no idea what drives her ego, but if it would make her feel like an adult, tell her you know she can handle living on her own and you would be proud of her.
    If you know that she can't, tell her that you are willing to help her through the steps.
    She will argue. Expect that. Don't argue back.
    The hard part is always zipping your lip. :) Just keep breathing.
    And make a plan.
    What-ifs don't help. You need a pen and paper or computer and a step-by-step plan. Do not share it all with her. Just give her info on a need-to-know basis. If she is that dependent upon you that she takes everything, she is going to panic when she finds out that this is real. That could cause even more behavior issues.
    Just respond, if you can, with "Let's talk about it. We can talk more tomorrow."
    Fingers crossed.
     
  4. layne

    layne Member

    Thank you for replying and no , she will not do the same thing to my mother. My mother doesn't play. All of your idea's sound REALLY good. I will apply them as necessary for sure. I don't want her to think I am doing this to her as punishment (even though there is a little part of me that is angry at everything she has done) but I really want her to lead her own life and of course I will help her, but I want her to feel thankful for the help, not entitled to it.
     
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