Shaking my head...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    difficult daughter (18) told me a couple weeks ago, that while carrying a heavy box, she bumped in to a doorway and 'hurt her BC implant" in her arm. She thought she had broken it. She had made an appointment for today with the Doctor who inserted it. She told me she wanted to make sure it was ok. I drove her the 60 miles to her appointment. I wait in the lobby. She comes out with a bandage on her arm. I think they have replaced it. No. She had it removed. I asked what the doctor gave her for BC. Nothing. She said she could come back and have a new one put in if she wanted. Difficult Child said she didn't feel up to having one placed today.

    Aarrgghhh. I asked her about an Rx for BC pills. Nope, made her gain weight. I told her the pills did not make her gain, the 3 month injection made her gain, so she went with the implant. Now we are back to nothing. I am not raising a third generation. Not going to do it!!! I don't want her to ever move back in with us.

    She has been treated three times for "infections", one was a reportable std, the others a bacterial overgrowth that the doctor said is usually transmitted by partners. I am really scared and frustrated... But as a legal adult, I can't make decisions for her any more.

    This is not going to end well...ksm
     
  2. culturanta

    culturanta Member

    Sorry to hear it. We have sons so it's unlikely we will ever be presented with a third generation, but you never know.

    I totally relate to the feeling of helplessness as we watch our spawn make bad decisions, unable to stop or influence them in any way.

    All we can do is set boundaries and live by them. That's what I am trying to do anyway.

    I hope you and your H are on the same page. My W and I are finding common ground but we are not 100% on the same page. That makes it much harder.

    Again, sorry to hear it.
     
  3. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Is she dating anyone currently? It's just odd that they took it out and she didn't want it replaced nor did she want any other BC. I can see why you are worried. Stay firm on her not moving back in and raising her and a child should that come to fruition.
     
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh ksm, I can only imagine your frustration.
    I remember years ago talking with my son about BC and he assured me that he no intention of getting involved with anyone but if he did he would make sure to wear a condom. And that's how I became a grandmother. A few years ago my daughter in law told me that my son would never wear a condom because "real men don't wear condoms"
    I do hope that your daughter will go back and get the implant again.
    Stay strong in your resolve. You got this!
     
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The doctor would have put it in today... This is the last month she will have a medical card in addition to our BCBS.

    I think she thought it was the reason she had gained weight. Eating bags of chips and lots of pop and sweets...that couldn't be it.

    KSM
     
  6. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    HI KSM,

    Uh Oh! I am shaking my head also. This does not look good to me. I understand this situation well. I've always belived there are "no accidents" ...

    Often times a young / troubled female teen (especially one of low self-esteem / confused emotional issues) unconsciously / subconsciously desires a pregnancy because of a subconscious inner desire to be a mother and to be a grown-up (and to be needed and wanted). This is often subconscious desire because they are not even aware of / or are hesitant to acknowledge (may not even realize ) something is missing in their life, that they want to be accepted, or want to fit in or be in special circumstances (like if other friends or acquaintances are pregnant, she can fit in .... or if others are not and she is, then she is special). Often these young troubled ladies want to have something special that maybe others don’t have, want something to define them, something to make them feel accepted or to rationalize their situation, and something to make them feel wanted and needed and to have a purpose, and to be their identity. (A baby certainly makes you feel needed and wanted and gives a purpose – they won’t let you forget it - ever!)

    All this churning turmoil and hormones are working overtime... it's all there under the surface in the teen (often female) who has a low self-esteem and confused emotions (even if that feeling is subconscious, which it appears may be true in your 18 yrs. old Difficult Child.) But they do not understand the deep psychology of it, don't know and don't understand the truth of themselves and what's happening.

    So they often find a reason/ a way to make it possible to make that something happen to start the ball rolling .... (e.g. breaking the implant / having it removed … delaying the replacement options) - making it appear that the circumstances for the event (pregnancy happening) was not their fault at all … it was not intentional – it just happened – (the implant broke in an accident - huh? -we know there are no accidents. - - it was not replaced on time - huh? - it was not wanted! ) - so they are a victim now, it's not their fault, and now - Look ! they have their something “special”.

    Since she apparently has no one else to offer her the wisdom and guidance like you can, it seems your responsible counsel might at least let her know that you are really concerned about her not having any BC, since in the event she became pregnant, you could not help her. You could no longer be a support system in that situation. You might / should remind her that you may not be around long to help. (I am several years older than you - so I can say this. I know it gets harder and more draining on your physical energy and psyche - not good for "senior" health). She indeed may picture you being around forever to always be there in the crises.

    While you cannot force her to get the BC as she is an adult, I believe it is right for you and I would feel a responsibility to warn her of the consequences - just for your own peace of mind, so that you know you did counsel her to let her know that she may have a limited support system, and that you would have to remain detached from that situation. (This may be hard for her to believe or even think possible…)

    Explain you have always wanted the best for her, and have tried your best to set her up for success to want to see her as a loving mom sometime if she wants, in the best situation where she and a baby can be together and mutually cared for and loved, and that she will see down the road some years that she is better able to reap the joy from that situation later. ( This will be hard to do I know.)

    Perhaps to tell her that in the situation, if she were to become pregnant any time soon, she would probably have three choices:
    · She could have the baby and raise the child herself – and medical care and all else on her own. (She is a legal adult now. She alone is responsible for herself and for any child she births)
    · She can have the baby and place it for adoption or foster care
    · She can end the pregnancy.

    In the event she were to get pregnant anytime soon , she would have to decide which choice is right for her, but it is not an easy decision.
    · How would each choice affect her everyday life? Her life FOREVER AFTER - (perhaps initial loss of friends, not able to work, isolated, no money, etc.)
    · What would each choice mean to the people closest to her?
    · What does she believe is best for her in the long run? (Really, she probably has no idea, and is only thinking / and can only think of the moment.)
    · How would her choice affect her financially? – for likely the entire rest of her life.

    These are hard truths for a young person to understand and be receptive to listening about, but it is the hard reality. You certainly could not be involved further in such an event in your life I know, and I think you have to be sure she knows that.

    I’m rushing to get this posted as I have little time at the moment, so forgive me if it seems a bit disjointed and rushed. I totally understand where you are with this, and lend my sympathy, interest, and concern with you about it. I have followed along in your posts about her, and greatly admire all you have done for your daughters (granddaughters). You are amazing. Take Care.

    We can only take one day at a time. ~ Kalahou
     
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    Last edited: Jul 13, 2016
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to respond, Kalahou. We have had the...what if...talk quite a few times. I already know that she would not terminate the pregnancy or give the child up for adoption. She talks of going on to college...but not yet...she wants a semester or year off..

    The writing is on the wall. I was blunt yesterday. That just relying on condoms is not a good way to prevent pregnancy. And based on her previous activity, she didn't even use them enough to stop the std and infections.

    She has several friends pregnant, and more who have had a child. She likes to babysit for her friends. She wants to rush off and wait at the hospital when one is in labor.

    But, if you ask her, she will say she doesn't want to be a single mom...she wants to go to school... When I dropped her off, she was still mad at me. I was upset because if I had known the appointment was to remove it, I wouldn't have made a 120 mile round trip. I would have let her find a way to do it herself. She told me it was to make sure it wasn't broken.

    KSM
     
  8. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    ~~ Hmmm. Looks like the writing is on the wall ... as you said. Hang in there . We understand.
     
  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that, KSM. Unfortunately, nothing you can do beyond warning of consequences. As everyone has said, hang in there.
     
  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You have my sympathy. My daughter got pregnant at 19 on purpose and did not care if the relationship worked out or not. She continued to go to classes while working full time. She had her 2nd child 2 hours after she walked the stage for her B.A. She has been married to the children's father for 20 years.

    Sounds great right? It was a nightmare. Neither one of them were mature enough to be married, go to school, and raise kids all at the same time. I felt like the announcer at a 3 ring circus. I have never heard so much crying, yelling, and hair pulling in my life, and that was just the daddy to be.
     
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